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En spännande framtid väntar. Än så länge räcker några vilda timmar med kompisarna. Och att flina som en galning av ren lycka.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Fjärde klass

Hösten 1966 började jag fjärde klass i Hole skola, som låg ungefär 5 minuter bort från vår ytterdörr. Det var slut med bussåkandet. Om jag inte minns fel började vi vid 8 eller 8.30.  Anledningen till att jag inte minns är att jag gick hemifrån vid 6.45 eller åtminstone före 7 varje dag. När klockan Wholesale China Jerseys var 7 var jag redan på plats på övervåningen i skolan där vi hade vårt klassrum. Städerskan kom redan klockan 6 så jag kunde ta mig in genom porten.

Sedan inväntade jag de andra barnen som en efter en anlände till skolan, ungefär en timme senare. Jag hörde stora hallen nere fyllas av eleverna i klass fem och sex. Mina egna klasskamrater var de enda som kom upp för trappan och det var svaret på varför jag bad mamma väcka mig senast 6.15 varje morgon.

Visserligen fick jag glåpord slängda i ansiktet direkt varje morgon, men för de mesta fick jag vara fysiskt ifred om inte någon var på särskilt dåligt humör och tog ut det på mig med knuffar och slag. Killarna hade växt till sig över sommaren, det kände jag på hårdheten i deras pojknävar.

Gatlopp

Men det var ändå ingenting mot det gatlopp som väntade mig om jag försov mig och kom till skolan samma tid som alla andra. I stora hallen nere väntade sadisterna på nästa färska offer. Och det var alltid jag. Leif Bengtsson minns jag speciellt för hans djupa hårda slag i ryggen. Han stank svett och hat när han ivrigt påhejad av resten av mobben slog så mycket han orkade. Jag stängde av och kämpade mig fram mot trappan till övervåningen. Runt omkring gapskrattade sadisterna lustfyllt medan slog mig mellan sig så hårt de kunde.

Man försover sig sällan igen efter ett sådant wake-up-call. Mamma var bekymrad över att jag fick sova alldeles för lite. Jag somnade sent, för jag var ju tvungen att vänta ut pappa för det mesta innan jag kunde gå på toa. Jag hade alltid ont i magen, (numer förstår jag att det var ångest och ren skräck.) Mamma visste att jag egentligen inte var någon morgonmänniska, ändå gjorde hon som jag bad och väckte mig vid 6-tiden varje morgon.

Men för att vara snäll lät hon ibland bli att väcka mig så tidigt, utan väntade till 7…

Det var fruktansvärt. Jag flög upp ur sängen helt vild av ångest. Jag visste vad som väntade om sadisterna hade hunnit till skolan innan jag hann in och uppför trappan. Jag åt inget, jag lät inte mamma fläta om mitt hår, jag slet till mig skolväskan och störtade iväg. Att jag hann fram först var en fråga om liv och död.

Ekonomiskt vanvett

Det var nog i fyran det märktes allt mer att min familj levde på fattigdomsgränsen. Det fanns helt enkelt inte pengar till mer än det allra nödvändigaste. Mamma kunde trolla med matpengarna, men ingen kunde göra av med inkomsterna lika snabbt som min pappa. Han drack inte, han spelade inte  fast båda rökte hemrullade cigaretter eller färdigrullade Ritz.

Min pappa var fullständigt hopplös närt det gällde ekonomi. Han var en drömmare som borde ha satts cheap authentic jerseys under förmyndare när det gällde pengar. Det drabbade min lojala mamma oerhört hårt. Det drabbade alla oss barn varje dag. Min pappa var en person som var älskad i alla läger. Av arbetskamrater, elever, grannar, bekanta och i princip alla människor han mötte tyckte om honom. Han var underhållande, generös (intill vanvett), dansant och en mycket bra organisatör.  En skicklig hantverkare.

Parallellt utnyttjade han varje människa han överhuvudtaget kunde låna pengar av utan åtskillnad. Han hade gjort samma sak hela livet, utan att ha de minsta onda avsikter. Pappa hade bara ”ont om slantar” och det var en konstant brist. Det här gjorde att hans egen släkt tog avstånd från honom. Efter pappas död pratade jag för första gången med hans bror Holger som var 12 år yngre. Jag hade aldrig träffat honom.  Holger sa i telefon: ”Vi blev helt enkelt tvungna att hålla oss ifrån honom för att inte dras in i hans ekonomiska vansinne. Jag hoppas vid Gud att ingen av er har ärvt han totala brist på ekonomiskt förstånd.” Jag hann aldrig träffa Holger som dog året efter.

Kalle och monsterlånet

Det fanns de som höll ut trots detta. Kalle på västkusten var en av dem. Egentligen var han en av min mammas vänner sedan de som 20- och 22-åringar hyrt rum av samma hyresvärdinna i Uppsala. Kalle läste vid universitetet och min mamma var föreståndare för två mjölkbarer. Kalle fick äta på kredit och deras vänskap varade livet ut. Trots att hon träffade och gifte sig med min pappa.

Kalle gifte sig också och fick en son. När Kalles lilla son var några år gammal arbetade båda föräldrarna som lärare. Kalle hade knappt 500 cheap oakley sunglasses kr i månadslön och hans fru Maj ännu mindre. Då fick min pappa extra dåligt med slantar. Kalle lånade honom 9 (NIO) månadslöner år 1959, pengar som Kalle naturligtvis aldrig såg skymten av igen. Pengarna hjälpte egentligen ingenting. Året efter gjorde pappa konkurs och vi förlorade allt vi ägde.

Under de kommande 30 åren berörde Kalle inte lånet med ett enda ord, trots att familjerna umgicks regelbundet. Han berättade historien för mig något år efter att min pappa dött. Och Kalle hade inte sagt något då heller, om jag inte fört saken på tal.

Jag hade själv lagt in ungefär hälften av min lön i pappas hushåll i åtminstone 13 år, från det jag började jobba som 18-åring tills han dog. (Mina syskon förstod aldrig varifrån deras kläder, mycket mat, lampor, gardiner, bildäck, hushållsmaskiner m.m. kom ifrån. De tror än idag att pappa betalade allt. ) Jag berättade alltså för Kalle precis som det hade varit och det var då han berättade sin egen lånehistoria. Med förbehållet att JAG absolut inte полиции skulle känna att jag var skyldig honom pengar.

Fattigdom

Under åren som kom fick jag höra fler historier om pappa och hans ständiga penningbrist. Men pappas stora charm gjorde att han klarade sig helskinnad varenda gång. Med åren blev Pappa något av expert på att hitta nya utvägar. Att aldrig betala förrän efter tredje påminnelsen var en självklarhet. Snabblånen hann att komma de sista åren av hans liv och slukade de sista örena av arvet.

Allt det här gjorde i alla fall att vi aldrig hade några pengar varken då jag växte upp eller åren efter. Vi barn samlade tomglas och sålde för att få godis. Än idag har jag blick för varenda tomburk och det händer aldrig att jag kastar en flaska med pant. Jag sålde jultidningar både i andra, tredje och fjärde klass. Jag fick en bok om fåglar i premie. Gäsp. Jag köpte mitt toalettbord med tillhörande stol. Och jag har kvar dem än.

Men det syntes och kändes att vi inte hade råd. Hela tiden. Jag minns exempelvis ingen julmat, utom fake oakleys risgrynsgröten som var god och skinkan och sillen som jag aldrig åt. Vi hade varken köttbullar, prinskorv eller någonting av allt det folk brukar ha. Jag älskade nötter, men en jul fanns det inte pengar så mamma undrade om vi kunde klara oss utan? Jag svarade ”Ja” men ångrade mig bittert när jag gick till familjen Melin och såg deras nötskål. Jag sa ”Mamma har glömt att köpa nötter…” Och den snälla tant Lillemor förstod precis. Hon fyllde en påse med nötter och gav mig. Julen var räddad.

Lillebror

Fattigdomen blev ännu en anledning att ge sig på oss. Min lillebror började skolan 1967, när det fortfarande var nästan sex månader kvar tills han skulle fylla sju. Mamma försökte få hans skolstart uppskjuten ett år, men det var viktigare att få fyllda klasser än elever som mådde bra på den tiden. Min lillebror fick ett helvete. Det fanns nämligen en taxichaufför som hade sex söner. Åtminstone två av dem var slagskämpar och mobbare. Man sa att de fick stryk hemma. Det tog de igen på andra barn. Ronny gick i klassen över min bror. Han var fet, stark och skoningslös. Det två åren med Ronny på samma skola har min bror burit med sig hela livet.

Men nu är det fortfarande bara hösten 1966 och jag går till skolan varje dag vid 06.45.

Hat

Varje dag hände något. Ibland var det mer. Filmförevisning i biblioteket. Alla stolar ställda i rader. Jag sitter i andra raden när jag  känner att någon nuddar min axel. Jag vänder mig om. Leif Bengtsson sitter bakom och blåser snus rakt in i mina ögon. Det svider som eld. Alla skrattar. Någon slår mig i ryggen som i förbigående. Dagens smäll utdelad. Alla mobbare har ett visst system. Svaghet triggar dem. Passivt motstånd väcker deras aggresivitet. Alla ska ha in minst ett slag på det feta äcklet varje dag.

Jag hatar dem. Maktlös, osynlig för alla utom för sadisterna genomlever jag mina dagar i fjärde klass.

Taler finnt

Men hemma väntar min lilla katt Måns. Mamma brukar ge honom mat och släppa in honom i mitt rum innan jag låser dörren igen. Kvällarna och nätterna tillbringar jag med  världslitteraturens stora klassiker, romaner från första halvan av 1900-talet och mängder av barn- och ungdomsböcker. Tillsammans med Måns, som är bara kärlek. Ingen kramar mig, ingen tröstar mig, ingen tycker om mig. Utom Måns. Jag kan fortfarande känna hans värme och tassar mot mitt bröst.

Mitt bokläsande ger mig stort ordförråd, långt utöver min ålder och framför allt mycket större ordförråd än alla jämnåriga. Ytterligare en anledning att hata mig. Jag bestämmer mig för att ALDRIG prata som mina skolkamrater.

”Du taler sä finnt” vräker de ur sig, dalbymålet den sista utposten mot omvärldens inflytande.

Jag gör allt för att finslipa mitt tal så att jag inte ska smittas av deras vidriga språk.

Jag lyckas ganska bra.

På minussidan ligger att jag får svårt att lära mig andra främmande språk, eftersom jag beslutat djupt i min själ att inte ta till mig andra dialekter.

Det tog de också ifrån mig, förutom min barndom.

 

 

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Green Bay Packers Problems in 2012The Green Bay Packers once again ended the 2012 football season miserably to the San Francisco 49ers in the playoffs. I watched most of the first half over the Internet, but mercifully my Internet connection was lost before the 49ers and their quarterback Colin Kaepernick ran all over my Packers with zone read option plays. Place your hands in front of your chest and slide the towel Cheap mlb Jerseys out to your left side. Push your butt back as you do this and stop when your right thigh parallels the floor. The effect is a new round of legal fighting that could delay the final result in this case for years. The cheap oakleys end result is unknowable at this time.. Shelby Lane also took her oakleys outlet vision to Hollywood and combined medicine with humor in a unique format for television, known as ‘SECOND OPINION, AMERICA’S HEALTHCARE cheap oakleys TEAM”. She produced a videotape about domestic violence, which aired on Comcast Cable and won an award for creative excellence in healthcare at the 1995 United States International Film and Video Festival. Speaking of footballers, the German, former Aston Villa player, Thomas Hitzsperger, became the highest profile footballer to be openly gay in January this year he told the German newspaper, Die Zeit: ‘It’s been a long and difficult process only in the last few years have I realised that I preferred living with a man.’ The 31 year old retired from the game in 2013 because of injuries. He said that he had thought about coming out earlier while he was still playing for Wolfsburg, but was warned jordan sale against it. With an undefeated season, the timing couldn’t be better. While $250 is a chunk of change, fans like Kristen Mossing know lots of people who want to buy a share.. One day you’re swollen, a few days later you’ve deflated again. The good news is that you can tame your tummy wholesale jerseys without making too many changes to your lifestyle. Inditex’s entire structure is designed to allow it to flourish in today’s environment. Opening fewer stores but having oakleys outlet them in prime locations allows Inditex to avoid having a sprawling and inefficient supply chain. In other words, you should work out your ROI based on how many games, matches, or rounds you wish to wager on and how much you bet on each. A substantial understanding of the return on your online live sports betting investment is instrumental to creating a profit.. The Pats were leading 45 24 before Tom Brady touched the ball in the fourth quarter yet he remained in the game, orchestrating two more touchdown cheap oakleys sunglasses drives. The last drive was capped by the extra point play that resulted in Gronkowski’s injury. Digging the past we can see that the wholesale football jerseys first neon sign appeared in France in 1910 at Grand Palais. The display caught people’s attention in fact, the effect was so bright ray ban sunglasses and catchy that other countries took notice.

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Tredje klass

Det blev allt svårare att leva, både i skolan och inte minst hemma. Tack vare mamma klarade jag mig från en skoldag till den andra, men jag hade ont i magen jämt. Vilket jag blev så van vid att det var först som vuxen jag förstod hur ont jag hade haft. Mamma tog mig till doktorn som utförde en förödmjukande undersökning och konstaterade att allt var bra. Jag hade svårt att röra mig, springa, eller att gå över ett golv.

Vad ingen visste var att jag egentligen var ganska vig, men att jag slutade att röra mig för att inte dra uppmärksamheten och mobbarnas blickar till mig. Mina muskler förkortades av alla slag och glåpord. Vuxna som mindes mig från min barndom berättade senare att de alltid hade uppfattat mig som sur. ”Du var lika sur jämt”.

Behärskad

Jag var inget charmfullt barn. Jag varken log eller grät eller pratade eller lekte när någon såg på. Jag utvecklade konsten att behärska mig oavsett vad som hände. Om jag glömde mig och drog lite på mungiporna var det alltid någon som la märke till det och vrålade till alla andra ”Se nu står det feta aset och flinar!” Jag kan se Per-Olof Olsson/Stenströms fräkniga ansikte med den vidöppna munnen framför mig. Och genast formerade sig angriparna och roade sig med att verbalt och fysiskt kränka mig så långt deras ordförråd och kreativitet räckte.

När vi diskuterade om vi skulle ha barn när vi blev stora kom frågan till mig. Jag sa att jag ville också ha barn när jag blev stor. Genast vände sig Roger mot mig och med ansiktet förvridet av förakt Cheap Jerseys väste han ”Vem i helvete skulle vilja knulla ett sådant förbannat äckel som du!?” Det var en av de anmärkningar som la grunden till mitt självhat och självförakt längre fram. Roger var själv mobbad och ville säkert knipa några pluspoäng hos dem högre upp i mobbinghierarkin, men att jag minns anmärkningen över 50 år senare kan ju vara en påminnelse om hur djupt man kan såra en annan människa på ett ögonblick. Idag är Roger gift och rektor så man kan konstatera att han själv fick sex och slipper bli mobbad som chef för hela skolan. Jag hoppas att Roger fick barn, för jag är säker på att han nog skulle vara en bra pappa trots allt. För när Roger inte var upptagen med att hata mig, såg och hörde jag hur trevlig han var mot andra. Roger hade så svårt med sin allergi med många sjukvårdsbesök, att han nog borde blivit lite ödmjuk. Och älskat sina barn, även om de inte blivit perfekta. Bosse blev Rogers allra bästa vän och de hängde ihop i alla väder. Det var tur för Roger att cheap football jerseys Bosse kom till klassen.

Kasperdockan

Fröken G avskydde mig verkligen. Det var ömsesidigt. Ingenting jag gjorde dög, oavsett vad det gällde. Sillpuddingskriget var en institution. Lika säkert som att jag skulle vägra sillpudding, lika säkert var det att fröken G skulle tvinga mig att sitta kvar i matsalen framför sillpuddingen tills bussen skulle gå. Våren -65 skulle vi göra kasperdockor till pjäsen på skolavslutningen. Häpnadsväckande nog fick jag tilldelat mig ”prinsessan”.

Vi blandade klister och pappersmassa till en deg och så formade vi huvuden som sattes att torka på en pappersstrut nedstucken i en flaska. Fröken G tog vägen förbi mig och bestämde att ”prinsessan” skulle ha knut. Alltså satte fröken fast en boll på mitt dockhuvud utan att diskutera saken med mig.  Hon satte på en boll till näsa också. Huvudet sattes att torka.

Veckan därpå var det dags att måla huvudena. Jag var inte så duktig, men fick hållas. (Stela, skräckslagna människor med ont i magen är inte så kreativa). Jag målade förstås håret med knuten gult och ansiktet skärt, med blå ögon och en röd mun. Prinsessan hade samma färger som jag. Ingen av oss var söt.

Veckan därpå skulle vi sy kläder. Jag som bara älskade djur, hade aldrig sytt dockkläder. Vi fick välja bland massor av tyglappar av alla slag. Jag valde ljusgul mjuk frotté. Frotté var nytt i mitten av 1960-talet. Jag sydde en mjuk klänning som min hand fick plats i. När det blev dags för pjäsen sydde fröken G en ny klänning i blått blankt tyg med en spets nertill. Så gjorde hon en krona och satte runt knuten. fake oakleys Fröken G var verkligen mycket bättre än jag på att göra kasperdockor. Jag tror att hon egentligen använde mig som ett alibi för att få göra prinsess-dockan helt själv. Clash Royale HackClash of Clans Hack

Mamma <3

Jag hatade matte (Tack vare min pappa och hans X-ekvation) Min mamma vars matte härstammade från 1930-talet kunde inte ställa upp ”rätt” men hon lärde sig. Sedan räknade hon ut mina tal efter att ha frågat ”Visst kan du det här?” och sedan skrev jag av hennes tal. Mamma räddade mitt liv, inte bara då utan gång på gång. Mamma gjorde inte som alla andra, hon var inte som någon annan. Och just därför räddade hon mig och fick mig att orka ännu en dag i helvetet.

Från det jag fyllt 8 ungefär kunde jag och min pappa inte längre vistas i samma rum, utan att jag sa eller gjorde något fel som fick honom att få ett vansinnesutbrott. Jag menar vredesutbrott som saknade all behärskning. Han gjorde mig skräckslagen. I många många år drömde jag mardrömmar om att människor i min närhet plötsligt förvandlades till livsfarliga odjur. Det är inte svårt att hitta källan till de mardrömmarna.

Det var nog hösten 1965 som jag fick en egen nyckel till mitt rum av mamma. Hon gav mig den och sa så här:

”Nu får du den här nyckeln. Den går till ditt rum. Du ska vara noga med att hålla reda på den. När pappa blir arg ska du SKYNDA dig in på ditt rum och LÅSA dörren. Du får INTE öppna dörren vad han än säger eller vad han än gör för då kommer han att SLÅ dig!”

– Kommer han att slå mig? frågade jag

”Ja, tro mig, Han kommer att slå dig. Om du bara visste hur många gånger jag gått emellan när han har försökt att ge dig stryk” sa mamma och suckade.

(Pappa kallade det tips ”juling”. Det kan nog vara norska.)

Starkare

Mamma räddade mitt liv många gånger.

Om mina lärare sett hur snabb jag kunde vara in på mitt rum så hade jag aldrig haft etta i gymnastik.

Det kunde gå veckor innan jag tillbringade tid med familjen. För det mesta hann jag få mat, men bäst av allt var de många kvällskurserna då pappa var kursledare och borta till 9-tiden på kvällen. replica oakleys Då kunde vi leva. När mina småsyskon somnat satt cheap jerseys jag och ritade medan mamma läste en bok. Jag var inte så bra men med mamma blev jag bättre.  Hon såg på mina teckningar och sa ”Du ska komma ihåg att vad andra än säger, så tycker jag alltid om dina teckningar. Jag kommer alltid tycka att du är väldigt duktig”. Eftersom mammas ord var det enda beröm jag  någonsin fick under hela min uppväxt, höll de mig uppe över ytan Wholesale NFL Jerseys så jag kunde dra ännu ett andetag för att överleva ännu en dag.

Minnet av mammas ord gjorde mig starkare då och ännu idag. Jag hade en gång en mamma och det har gjort hela hela skillnaden.

Nyckeln

Att ha en nyckel är också skillnad. I princip varenda dag inträffade något som drev min pappa från vettet och jag låste in mig. Sedan stod jag vid fönstret och lyssnade när han bultade på dörren och med mörk och hotfull röst försökte förmå mig att lyda.  ”ÖPPNA! ÖPPNA DÖRREN!” Han slog på dörren och jag stod vid fönstret beredd på att ta mig ut om dörren skulle gå sönder. Jag ställde alltid mina skor under fönstret så jag skulle ha något på fötterna om jag måste fly. Men dörren höll och jag slapp bli slagen.

Så småningom tröttnade han, men jag kunde ju inte gå ut ur rummet, för då satte bråket igång igen.. Värst var det att inte kunna gå på toaletten. Kissnödigheten höll mig vaken. När jag smög mig ut efter midnatt kunde jag kvalat in som inbrottstjuv. Jag är fortfarande väldigt bra på att ta mig fram tyst om det behövs. Jag är heller inte rädd för mörker. För mig är mörkret ett skydd.

Mot bakgrund av allt det här var det skönt när jag kunde inleda försäljning av jultidningar igen. Jag var ute varenda kväll, hur sent som helst.

Jag längtade aldrig hem.

”Those privileged to touch the lives of children
should constantly be aware that their impact on a single child
may affect a multitude of others a thousand years from now.”/okänd

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Alla familjemedlemmar som kunde hantera en kniv kallades in till vinberedningen. Det var alltså pappa, jag och i viss mån mamma som samlades kring fruktbaljorna med äpplen. Varenda äpple synades och skars i bitar. Det tog en evighet. Pappa uppmuntrade mig. ”När du blir tio år ska du få smaka det här vinet”. Jag skulle snart fylla åtta. Tio år kändes lika avlägset som månen. Dessutom hade jag ingen uppfattning om vin överhuvudtaget. Men jag skar mina äpplen, kväll efter kväll. Vinhinkar och så småningom damejeanner fylldes. De senare försågs med jäsrör fyllda med vatten och en spännande ploppande utbröt.

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Normalt sett var förekomsten av alkohol minimal hemma hos oss. Varken min mamma eller pappa var någonsin påverkad så det märktes, ens när det var fest. När jag blev äldre fick jag höra historierna från Norge där hembränningsapparaterna stod och puttrade i de flesta hem. Jag fick alltid känslan av att det var spänningen och nyfikenheten som fick folk att tillverka brännvin.  I Fagernes lyckades länsman och min pappa vid ett tillfälle släcka belysningen i större delen av samhället när de skulle testa en ny apparat.

Nu bodde vi i Sysslebäck, fjärran från det vilda Norge och alla hembränningsexperter. Men vi hade vin. Faktum är att pappa tillverkade så mycket vin hösten 1964, att den fake oakleys sista flaskan tömdes på midsommarafton 1980. Livet stormade omkring oss, barn föddes och människor dog. Vi flyttade flera gånger. Men vinet klarade allt och fick genom åren en allt vackrare gyllene färg.

Mina föräldrar hade en glad och trevlig vänkrets där man oftast träffades hemma hos varandra på middagar. Vi barn fick alltid följa med och det gjorde att alla i familjen såg fram emot middagsbjudningarna.

Mat och retorik

När vi själva skulle ha gäster lagade wholesale jerseys mamma mat hela dagen och pappa skrev tal. Han var en talangfull och begåvad talare. Pappa  kunde inte bara hålla tal, utan också skriva långa rim på våra julklappar.  Mamma å sin sida hade redan som 21-åring varit föreståndarinna för två av Sandrews mjölkbarer i Uppsala. Hon var utbildad inom allt som rörde hushåll, inte minst matlagning och kunde trolla fram en festmåltid av nästan vad som helst. Hon var snabb och otålig, så det var bara genom att se på och lyssna som jag lärde mig laga mat. Mamma tyckte inte om när jag experimenterade. Att leka med mat var otänkbart. Om man skulle baka eller laga mat måste det också ätas upp.

Vi hade varken radio eller grammofon.  Däremot hade vi många visböcker. Alla våra gäster var musikaliska.  Jag minns hur jag låg i min säng och lyssnade till deras sånger medan kvällen led mot sitt slut.  Evert Taube, skillingtryck, folkvisor, sjömansvisor…

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Både mamma och pappa kunde sjunga. Ibland när familjen var på bilutflykt eller på väg ner till sommarlivet i Gillberga där mormor bodde, brukade vi cheap jerseys sjunga i bilen. Pappa kom ihåg varenda versrad. Mamma kunde ha varit bättre. Men fiolspelandet på Ingesund och de förhatliga pianolektionerna hon genomled som tonåring hämmade henne bachiller en hel del. Men på våra bilresor sjöng alla med.

Minnet av sångerna, festerna och alla glada gäster i mitt föräldrahem tillhör mina goda barndomsminnen.  Snart skulle sångerna Cheap Jerseys from china tystna och musiken dö ut.

I höstas bestämde jag mig för att göra äppelvin, 50 år efter förra försöket. Min dotter och jag plockade frukt från vilda äppelträd. Jag tog min nyinköpta Edelmans Vinbok, den 41:a upplagan och satte igång. Det är verkligen en helt annan känsla att bereda vin som vuxen. Man kan se en början och ett slut på jobbet.

Vinet är tappat på flaskor. Nu är det bara att vänta.

P.s. Jag fick aldrig smaka vinet som jordan sale tioåring. Lika bra det.

 

 

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Tretton i klassen

Jag såg mycket fram emot att börja skolan. Eva som var två år äldre, började skolan hösten 1961 och var hur mallig som helst. För min inre syn såg jag hur hon fick stå på kryss och deklamera verser med jämna mellanrum. Dessutom hade hon en fröken och skolväska. Själv var jag kvar hemma och vandrade omkring som vanligt i skogen, upp i berget och längs älven.

Sensommaren 1963 tillbringade jag kvällarna med att rita teckningar om att börja skolan. Jag ritade aldrig människor, jag ritade alltid djur. Jag ritade katten när han var på väg till skolan, med ryggsäck och mössa. Jag ritade saker han kunde gör på vägen dit skolan. Som att hoppa hage.

När jag tänkte på allt jag skulle få se och göra kände jag mig varm och glad.

Kvällen innan första skoldagen var mamma och pappa på föräldramöte, där de fick se klassrummen för första gången. Mamma väckte mig när de kom hem. Hon berättade hur det såg ut, om svarta tavlan, alla planscherna och skolbänkarna.

– Det finns en stor kulram med kulor i olika färger som man lär sig att räkna på, förklarade mamma.

Det fanns inga gränser för allt spännande och härligt som skolan inrymde. Jag somnade om, förväntansfull.

Första skoldagen

Morgonen grydde. Mamma borstade och flätade mitt hår. Jag fick choklad och smörgås. Så tog jag min rödrutiga skolväska och gick nerför backen till bussarnas vändplats för första gången.

Bussen kom, alla trängdes men så småningom var vi på väg. Tidigare hade småskolan varit inrymd i Hole skola, rakt nedanför Kvistberget, men nu var det bestämt att lågstadiet skulle gå i Skyllbäcks skola på andra sidan Sysslebäck. Bussen stannade nere vid affären på hörnet, mitt emot hängbron. Sedan fick vi gå uppför den branta  backen till skolan.

IMG_7088

 

Teckningarna ovan kommer från Elise Lindow-Agnarssons böcker om sin egen uppväxt i Sysslebäck under första delen av 1900-talet. Jag började skolan i Skyllbäck, precis som Elise och hennes syskon. Mitt klassrum är till vänster på bilden. Till höger har Elise tecknat av hängbron som gick över älven just där bussarna stannade.

Ettornas klassrum låg till vänster när man kom in genom porten. Mitt emot var tredje klass, där Eva gick. I hallen var långa rader med klädkrokar, under dem fanns bänkar och  längst bort låg dörren till lärarrum och förråd. Vill vänster långt ner fanns också en dricksvattenfontän.

Vi fick ställa oss på ett långt led och marschera in i klassrummet. Där stod bänkarna två och två. Fröken placerade ut barnen, par om par. De flesta kände redan varandra. Jag hade aldrig träffat någon av dem. Det var Anita Larsson och Inggun Karlsson, Ylva Berglund och Ulla Jönsson, Eva Östberg och Karin Larsson, Olle Stenström och Lasse Persson (?), Bosse Persson och Mats Persson, Stig Larsson (?) och Ted Larsson. De sattes par om par. Så var det en ensam bänk kvar. Där sattes jag, som nummer 13 i klassen.

En bit bort

Den placeringen behöll jag symboliskt, inte bara resten av min skoltid, utan genom livets alla skiften. Den dag som idag är, när jag sitter här medan solen stiger allt högre och fåglarna sjunger utanför, är jag för alltid nummer 13.

Ensam, en bit bort från alla andra.

Precis som då, händer det att jag bjuds in att dela andras liv en stund. Men inte ens då jag var gift var jag en naturlig del av gemenskapen. För det mesta iakttar jag andras liv. Jag lyssnar till livet, mycket mer än lever ett liv.

Jag kan helt enkelt inte tolka de små signalerna, som jag vet är grunden för att kunna fungera riktigt bra i en grupp. Jag hade ett normalt liv som riktigt liten, med mamma och pappa, fast han jobbade jämt. Men att flytta till Sverige var att hamna utanför. När jag sedan som fyraåring lämnades ensam dagar och veckor, utan något annat sällskap än mitt eget tror jag något gick sönder.

Att socialiseras

När mamma väl kom hem hade jag slutat att kramas. Jag minns exakt hur många kramar jag fick under resten av min uppväxt. Ingen. När jag som 8-åring fick mitt första armbandsur i julklapp uppmanade mamma mig att ge pappa en kram. Jag la armarna runt hans hals, han bara satt där. Och så var det bra med det.

För att kunna umgås med andra måste man vara med andra och se hur de gör. När det gäller hundvalpar heter det att socialisera dem. Alla uppfödare vet att man måste hantera sina djur från att de är små, för att de ska lära sig att slappna av och våga ha fysisk kontakt.

Äckligt

Ingen hanterade mig. Jag fick aldrig en kram, aldrig sitta i knä och cheap nfl jerseys det var bara när jag nästan skar av mig tummen som hösten 1961 fake oakleys som jag fick bandage. Men ingen tog mig till läkare. Inte heller när jag försökte stå på händer i sängen, vippade åt sidan och slog kanten av foten i en stol. Jag kunde inte gå på en vecka cheap oakley sunglasses och var blå från midjan ända ner ut på lilltån. Eller när jag halkade och slog i ett hörn i hallen så att lillfingret bröts utåt i 90 graders vinkel. Jag blödde inte så det blev inget bandage. Eller läkarbesök. Min hand svullnade upp så jag inte kunde röra fingrarna.

Det gjorde också att jag inte fick sitta med och äta vid matbordet, rätt länge.

När jag försiktigt la min högra hand på bordet bredvid min tallrik och började äta med vänster hand gjorde pappa en äcklad min.

– Det ser ju ut som en fågelklo!

Mamma som alltid ville vara pappa till lags sa till mig att gå från bordet.

– Pappa tycker det cheap oakleys ser äckligt ut. Skynda dig att gå från bordet!

Och jag reste mig utan protest. Jag såg äcklig ut Check Out Your URL. Jag höll upp min högra hand med hjälp av den vänstra. Det gjorde så ont om den skadade hängde ner.

När alla hade ätit färdigt fick jag komma fram och få min mat.

Ensam

Tills jag var 14 år såg mitt liv i stort sett ut så här:

När jag inte var ute ensam, var jag på mitt rum ensam.

Det var med stora förväntningar jag gick till skolan första dagen.

Jag borde ha tagit livet av mig i stället.

På bilden är jag sju år. Jag har mitt livs första examensklänning, i rosa, grått och vitt. Mamma har sytt den, fast hon hatar att sy. I håret har jag ett brett rosa band köpt hos Larssons Handel i Sysslebäck. Runt halsen har jag det kors som mammas faster Rut fick i konfirmationspresent då hon konfirmerades 1907 i Tiflis, Ryssland  (Tbilisi, huvudstad i nuvarande Georgien).

 

 

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Det var Frälsningsarmen i Sysslebäck som stod för söndagsskolan i början av 1960-talet. Samlingslokalen Klippan låg på en kulle strax nedanför vårt hus.  Passande nog var det en brant cheap oakleys uppförsbacke innan man kom fram till Guds hus. När man nådde kullens krön passerade man först Tidlunds verkstad. Han skötte all snöröjning runt skolan med hjälp av sin jättestora traktor. Strax bakom låg Frälsningsarmen.

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– Det här är ett minne av min lillebror som dog när han var liten, förklarade hon och strök sakta över tåhättan.

Kaptens mamma hade den andra skon. Det var sorgligt att se den lilla guldskon bredvid spegeln.

Så småningom fick vi en ny kapten. Till skillnad mot sin föregångare, som var liten och rund med glasögon, var den nya kaptenen lång, mager och svartklädd. Hon bodde inte i kaptensbostaden utan i ett jättehus, på andra sidan stora landsvägen. Det var mellan den gårdens uthus jag brukade gå ner till älven.

Fettknölen

Nya kaptenen hade som sagt inte glasögon, utan något mycket intressantare. Över vänster ögonbryn hade hon en enorm fettknöl.  Som ett horn stack den ut och pressade ner hennes ögonbryn mot ögonlocket. Jag var fascinerad och övade tills jag kunde röra ögonbrynen oberoende av varandra. Än i dag kan jag pressa ner ena ögonbrynet cheap nhl jerseys medan det andra oberört stannar på sin plats. Det var kaptenens förtjänst. Man kan inte lära sig det som vuxen. Även den nya kaptenen var mycket snäll och berättade spännande historier.

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Best mother ever?

En baby kidnappas från BB tre dagar efter födseln. 17 år senare återfinns hon, efter att en lillasyster har mött henne i skolan. Hennes biologiska mamma, som i alla dessa år har sörjt, saknat och letat efter sin försvinna dotter säger att hon vill tacka kvinnan som tog hennes barn. För hon har uppfostrat dottern så bra, att hon är lika vacker inifrån och ut.

http://fb-173.sfglobe.com/2015/03/09/newborn-baby-kidnapped-from-hospital-17-years-ago-is-reunited-with-family/?src=fbfan_36856

Det får mig att tänka på de kvinnor som födde mina barn. Vad hade de tyckt om alltsammans? Har jag tagit hand om döttrarna tillräckligt bra för att kunna stå till svars, om deras döda mamma skulle stå framför mig? Fick de den familj hon hade önskat dem eller hade barnen haft det hockey jerseys bättre någon annanstans? Och flickan som gav liv åt min son. Hon gick vidare i livet. Jag undrar hur ofta hon tänker på honom, i hemlighet.

Kärlek

Det är lätt att säga att vilket barn som helst har det bättre i en familj där föräldrarna älskar varandra. Men det svåra är att inse att det inte är sant. Det finns familjer där de vuxna är så uppslukade av varandra att barnen får stå tillbaka. Att de vuxna först och främst ser till att den andra vuxna mår bra. Barnen i en sådan familj blir lärda att inte oroa mamma eller pappa, på uppmaning av den andra föräldern.

Barn har det bäst i en familj där barnen och deras behov sätt främst. Där de vuxna kan låta sina egna behov stå i bakgrunden, medan de tar hand om barnen. Det är lätt att påstå att jobbet är så viktigt och att man arbetar för familjens skull. Att det är så viktigt att man är på sin arbetsplats, att man aldrig kan ta föräldraledigt. Men barn bryr sig inte om din karriär, de bryr sig om att du ger dem tid.

Att ge barnen allt de pekar på, som den kan som aldrig sätter barnen främst, är den största otjänst man kan göra sina barn. När de växande barnen inser att lojalitet, tillgivenhet och kärlek kan säljas för pengar och presenter är de inte längre dina barn. De är säljare av en vara till högstbjudande. Så länge du betalar stannar de kvar. Och tiden går medan kraven växer och barnens hjärtan förvandlas till sten. De behöver inte ens duka av sin egen tallrik efter maten, de får allt de behöver ändå.

Pengar är allt?

Barnen kom till ett samhälle där karriär och pengar är ett mått på människors värde. Och de lärde sig snabbt att anamma omgivningens normer, eftersom det ger många bonuspoäng att passa in. Här stannar man inte hemma i onödan och tar hand om barnen. För att mamma ska få behålla jobbet sätts de flesta barn i förskola strax efter ettårsdagen. Den som är föräldraledig länge står utanför arbetsmarknaden och räknas bort både som person och yrkesmässigt.

Alla tre barnen började förskolan runt treårsdagen eller senare. Det var bra för dem. De hann landa i det nya livet, slapp många sjukdomar och var redo den dag de började dagis. Att leva sina första år i total fattigdom, svält och utanförskap sätter djupa spår. Distansen till främlingar Cheap NFL Jerseys finns inte kvar när man dagligen har överlevt genom att behaga andra. Besvikelsen över att världens bästa familj gick i kras förändrar verkligheten för alltid.  Det är lättare att byta liv som bebis. Man får mer tid, lägre förväntningar och har en hel krets av vuxna och syskon som gör allt för den som är ensam, liten och ny. Att vara sex år yngre än närmaste syskon är att födas som ensambarn.

Slutet

Det kom en dag då allt tog slut. Då likgiltigheten, egoismen och omogenheten hade gått så långt att allt var över. Inte ens för barnens skull fanns möjligheten att spela med i den stora farsen om den lyckliga familjen. Jag undrar vad de kvinnor som födde mina barn hade sagt om de kunnat tala. För jag vet vad de hade gjort. Ingenting. Där mina barn är födda finns inte skilsmässa på kartan, man dödar regelbundet mammor, unga fruar, kvinnor i alla åldrar som inte uppfyller kraven från släkten. Där hade jag varit död i samma stund jag börjat berätta. Här nöjde man sig med att starta en häxprocess, där man drog in barnen på ett sätt som skadade dem för alltid.

När ett helt brukssamhälle går samman för att skydda de sina då ger det effekt, det måste man erkänna. Överallt fanns de kontakter som behövdes för att ödelägga livet.

Istället för att polisanmäla flyttade jag med barnen. Att inte gå till läkare för dokumentation av skadorna och polisanmäla misshandeln är mitt livs största misstag. Alla kategorier.

Hånet

Han vet att han klarade sig undan på grund av att jag inte gick till polisen. Trots alla de år som gått hånar han mig fortfarande för att han kom undan. Han uppmanar mig att gå till polisen ”så får du se om cheap oakleys du blir trodd” Han förnekar med hög röst (för att barnen Fake Oakleys ska höra) ”DET HAR ALDRIG HÄNT” precis som han förnekade det i både tingsrätt och hovrätt under ed. Men när ingen hör viskar han ”Jag lyfte dig aldrig, du gick baklänges till soffan” alltså samma soffa där han försökte kväva mig. Där jag räddades av döttrarnas uppvaknande i sista stund. Den natten vakade jag vid datorn och letade rätt på ett hus för att fly med barnen. Istället för att åka till akuten och polisen. Det var mitt livs misstag.

I flera dagar satt jag framför datorn, ibland i sällskap med de äldsta barnen. För att försöka hitta en läkare som skulle behandla mig utan att polisanmäla misshandeln. För i min enfald visste jag inte att läkare inte har anmälningsplikt. cheap jerseys I min enfald tänkte jag att att det var viktigast att inte polisen hämtade pappa för att han var den enda som hade fast jobb. Jag hade bara timanställning, så jag valde att fly istället för att polisanmäla honom. Och jag var tvungen att rädda barnen så han inte skulle döda dem under något av sina utbrott. Därför letade jag efter en läkare istället för att ringa polisen. Därför satt jag framför datorn medan klar vätska rann ut mina öron. De var sönderpressade mot mitt huvud, medan han la sina händer runt min skalle och lyfte rakt upp. Jag tappade massor av hår den veckan. Smärtorna i det krossade brosket fanns kvar i nästan sex år efter misshandeln. Men eftersom jag inte gick till polisen gick han fri.

Inte nummer 187

Kvinnorna som födde mina barn skulle nicka igenkännande. Våldsamma äktenskap är inget ovanligt varken där eller här, en hel del slutar med döden. Vid den här tiden var Aftonbladets räkneverk uppe i 186 kvinnor som dödats av sina män under 2000-talet. Jag bestämde mig för att inte riskera att bli det 187:e.

http://dodadekvinnor.aftonbladet.se/2013/06/elva-nya-fall-nu-ar-de-212/

Därför flyttade jag 50 mil. Jag förlorade vårdnaden om mina barn för ingen trodde mig när jag äntligen berättade. Flytten betraktades av tingsrätten som om jag satte mina egna intressen framför barnens. Jag avslutade hela mitt liv, både släkt, syskon, vänner, fake oakleys bekanta, jobb. Jag började ett nytt liv, som sällan var lätt men äntligen var jag fri att tala, tänka, leva utan att nedvärderas, kommenteras och kontrolleras av en översittare i världsklass. Barnen dömdes till förvaring i draknästet, och fick växa upp omgivna av människor som hatar mig, förtalar mig och griper varje tillfälle till att skada mig. Hur barnen påverkades av att växa upp i våldet som fortsatte, mutade till tystnad med pengar och presenter efter varje utbrott det vet bara framtiden.

Inte död

Skulle de kvinnor som fött mina barn dömt mig som fredlös eller hade de förstått att en levande mamma är bättre än en död? Även om hon är fattig, hatad och utstött?

Efter tre år stämde jag pappan och återfick gemensam vårdnad om de två yngsta som ännu inte var vuxna. Jag var min egen advokat.

Jag är inte helt säker på att de kvinnor som födde mina barn skulle tacka mig för att jag uppfostrat deras barn till bra människor.

Men jag gjorde så gott jag kunde.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Inte råd att umgås…

Tidningen ECT rapporterar om ett experiment i Bleking där man valde att ge 100 personer med psykiska funktionsnedsättningar pengar istället för medicin. Under nio månader fick de 500 kr i fickpengar Cheap Football Jerseys och resultatet var häpnadsväckande. Andelen patienter inom den slutna psykvården minskade med 30%. Patienter som fått pengar blev mindre deprimerade och hade färre symptom på ångest än de som inte fick några. Man tror ofta att de här människorna är ensamma och isolerade på grund av psykiska problem, men det handlar ofta om fattigdom. man har helt enkelt inte råd att umgås.

http://www.newsner.com/2015/03/ny-studie-visar-pengar-kan-vara-battre-an-medicin-mot-psykisk-ohalsa/

Jag skulle vilja påstå att man behöver inte ha psykiska problem för att bli ensam och isolerad om man är fattig.

Det är inte lika kul att umgås med människor som aldrig har råd att göra någonting alls. Det lägger sordin på stämningen. Då avstår man hellre från att fråga och tar någon annan med sig, som ligger mer på samma plan och kan unna sig lite någon gång ibland.

Jag är äldre och ensamstående, vilket automatiskt avskiljer mig från parmiddagar.

Leva farligt

Men jag är dessutom fattig, fake oakleys vilket gör att jag inte kan hänga med på resor, pubar, shoppingturer, teater, mysiga kvarterskrogar, nyöppnade spa, gym, yogacenter. Man tar inte en barrunda med någon som håller sig Cheap Jerseys till isvatten, för att kunna ta bilen hem. Jag har inte åkt taxi som jag betalat själv sedan 1970-talet.  Jag har insett att det är inte bara diamanter som varar för evigt, det gör även  de festkläder jag köper in då och då, för jag har aldrig tillfälle att använda dem.

Allt det här innebär inte att jag inte tycker om att träffa folk eller ha gäster. Jag är jätteglad när det finns tillfälle att umgås. Men det blir hemlagad mat och utflykter med matsäck i mitt sällskap. Jag tycker det är ok, men särskilt glamouröst är det ju inte. Tar jag en kaffe någonstans blir det på ett ställe där bullarna kostar 5 kr och en kaffe 10-15 kr, med påtår.  Tacka vet jag hembygdsgårdar och liknande ställen där små vänliga tanter serverar kaffe med kakor de själva har bakat.

Det handlar inte om snålhet, utan knapphet. Jag har inget överskott till guldkanter, jag kan aldrig ta mig råd. Vill jag leva farligt slår jag mig lös med en burk Cola, eftersom jag är diabetiker är det en långdragen form av rysk roulette. Man orkar inte nöja sig med kallt vatten jämt. Ens med isbitar.

Jag är alltså den som står utanför allt vad folk hittar på, av brist på pengar. Men det är få gånger jag har blivit bortvald så tydligt, som när jag av en händelse kom i kontakt med Lisa.

Lisa och fattigdomen

Hon sa som det var att hon hade bott i stan ett år med sin nya sambo, men inte lyckats få några väninnor. Lisa kände bara en kvinna som hon brukade umgås med ibland. Så nu undrade hon om jag skulle vilja ses ibland och ta en kopp kaffe någonstans? Jag sa förstås ja, för Lisa verkade trevlig, öppen och glad trots sina hälsoproblem.  Jag lovade att maila henne samma kväll för att vi inte skulle tappa bort varandra. Så det gjorde jag.

Månaden som kom mailade hon varje dag och jag svarade förstås. Det var roligt att lära känna henne bit för bit och själv var Lisa förtjust. Äntligen hade hon fått en mailkompis, skrev hon. Vi blev vänner på Facebook och jag kunde se allt hon hunnit med de senaste åren. Hon hade förstås tillgång till mina oakley outlet foton också.

Så en dag frågade Lisa om jag ville hänga med henne ut på stan för att handla lite kläder ”Det var länge sedan jag köpte något nytt och jag känner att garderoben behöver förnyas lite” Jag följde gärna med så vi beslöt att träffas vi ett av köpcentren med alla vanliga klädkedjor. Vi hade inte cheap jerseys setts alls sedan vårt enda möte första kvällen.

Jag har väldigt svårt att känna igen ansikten, så jag brukar låta folk hitta mig när jag ska möta någon jag bara träffat lite, men Lisa hoppades jag känna igen.

Inte så kul

Hon kom och vi startade shoppingturen. Jag gick med Lisa från affär till affär och hjälpte henne plocka fram lämpliga kläder för olika tillfällen. Det var trivsamt och jag gick gärna och hämtade nya storlekar och plagg hon provade. Själv kikade jag lite översiktligt, jag hade inte planerat några inköp. Lisa provade och handlade. Allt var frid och fröjd. Visserligen förvånades hon lite över att inte jag köpte någonting alls, men jag sa som det var att snart är det jul och jag har barnen som behöver julklappar. Det här var i mitten av november.

Vi småpratade om allt möjligt. Lisa som var sjukpensionär hade äntligen fått sin ersättning fastställd. 11 700, sa hon. Och det ska jag och döttrarna klara sig på!  Fast det var vad som var över sedan sambon betalt de fasta utgifterna. Jag påpekade att jag hade ungefär lika mycket, men en hyra på över 7 000.. Det var nog en ovan upplevelse för henne att möta någon som hade det ännu sämre och det var ju inte kul alls.

Utan glamour

Men nu var det dags för att fika ”Det är det bästa av alltsammans” sa Lisa glatt. Nu var det bara det att jag hade lovat hämta min dotter, som var på praktik på en 4H-gård. Men de har café där också sa jag. Och det hade de ju, fast värst glamouröst var det cheap jerseys ju inte.  Till och med hundarna var välkomna. Så vi drack vårt kaffe med tillbehör för en 50-lapp per man. Fjärran från mysiga avskavda vita halvgamla möbler i fransk stil, mer galonstolar och bord som blivit över, om ni förstår vad jag menar.

Vi följdes åt till parkeringen, i sällskap av min dotter med hundvalp, till min 17 år gamla Volvo i herrgårdsmodell. Vi konstaterade att det varit trevligt och att vi skulle göra om det.

Lisa drog iväg i en bil av senaste modell.

Kromet blänkte i dess nos.

De trevliga mailen tog slut direkt. Jag fick helt enkelt inget svar.

Jag befriade henne så småningom från min vänskap på Fb.

Fattiga på riktigt är inte lika kul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  • Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

  • Director
    Jon Watts.
    Producer
    Kevin Feige, Amy Pascal.
  • Production Company
    Columbia Pictures, Marvel Studios, LStar Capital, Pascal Pictures.
    Release
    July 6, 2017
  • Country
    United States of America.
    Language
    English.
  • Runtime
    124 min
    Genre
    Action, Adventure, Science Fiction.

Movie ‘Spider-Man: Homecoming’ was released in July 6, 2017 in genre Action. Jon Watts was directed this movie and starring by Tom Holland. This movie tell story about Following the events of Captain America: Civil War, Peter Parker, with the help of his mentor Tony Stark, tries to balance his life as an ordinary high school student in Queens, New York City with fighting crime as his superhero alter ego Spider-Man as a new threat, the Vulture, emerges.

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