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Tredje klass

Det blev allt svårare att leva, både i skolan och inte minst hemma. Tack vare mamma klarade jag mig från en skoldag till den andra, men jag hade ont i magen jämt. Vilket jag blev så van vid att det var först som vuxen jag förstod hur ont jag hade haft. Mamma tog mig till doktorn som utförde en förödmjukande undersökning och konstaterade att allt var bra. Jag hade svårt att röra mig, springa, eller att gå över ett golv.

Vad ingen visste var att jag egentligen var ganska vig, men att jag slutade att röra mig för att inte dra uppmärksamheten och mobbarnas blickar till mig. Mina muskler förkortades av alla slag och glåpord. Vuxna som mindes mig från min barndom berättade senare att de alltid hade uppfattat mig som sur. ”Du var lika sur jämt”.

Behärskad

Jag var inget charmfullt barn. Jag varken log eller grät eller pratade eller lekte när någon såg på. Jag utvecklade konsten att behärska mig oavsett vad som hände. Om jag glömde mig och drog lite på mungiporna var det alltid någon som la märke till det och vrålade till alla andra ”Se nu står det feta aset och flinar!” Jag kan se Per-Olof Olsson/Stenströms fräkniga ansikte med den vidöppna munnen framför mig. Och genast formerade sig angriparna och roade sig med att verbalt och fysiskt kränka mig så långt deras ordförråd och kreativitet räckte.

När vi diskuterade om vi skulle ha barn när vi blev stora kom frågan till mig. Jag sa att jag ville också ha barn när jag blev stor. Genast vände sig Roger mot mig och med ansiktet förvridet av förakt Cheap Jerseys väste han ”Vem i helvete skulle vilja knulla ett sådant förbannat äckel som du!?” Det var en av de anmärkningar som la grunden till mitt självhat och självförakt längre fram. Roger var själv mobbad och ville säkert knipa några pluspoäng hos dem högre upp i mobbinghierarkin, men att jag minns anmärkningen över 50 år senare kan ju vara en påminnelse om hur djupt man kan såra en annan människa på ett ögonblick. Idag är Roger gift och rektor så man kan konstatera att han själv fick sex och slipper bli mobbad som chef för hela skolan. Jag hoppas att Roger fick barn, för jag är säker på att han nog skulle vara en bra pappa trots allt. För när Roger inte var upptagen med att hata mig, såg och hörde jag hur trevlig han var mot andra. Roger hade så svårt med sin allergi med många sjukvårdsbesök, att han nog borde blivit lite ödmjuk. Och älskat sina barn, även om de inte blivit perfekta. Bosse blev Rogers allra bästa vän och de hängde ihop i alla väder. Det var tur för Roger att cheap football jerseys Bosse kom till klassen.

Kasperdockan

Fröken G avskydde mig verkligen. Det var ömsesidigt. Ingenting jag gjorde dög, oavsett vad det gällde. Sillpuddingskriget var en institution. Lika säkert som att jag skulle vägra sillpudding, lika säkert var det att fröken G skulle tvinga mig att sitta kvar i matsalen framför sillpuddingen tills bussen skulle gå. Våren -65 skulle vi göra kasperdockor till pjäsen på skolavslutningen. Häpnadsväckande nog fick jag tilldelat mig ”prinsessan”.

Vi blandade klister och pappersmassa till en deg och så formade vi huvuden som sattes att torka på en pappersstrut nedstucken i en flaska. Fröken G tog vägen förbi mig och bestämde att ”prinsessan” skulle ha knut. Alltså satte fröken fast en boll på mitt dockhuvud utan att diskutera saken med mig.  Hon satte på en boll till näsa också. Huvudet sattes att torka.

Veckan därpå var det dags att måla huvudena. Jag var inte så duktig, men fick hållas. (Stela, skräckslagna människor med ont i magen är inte så kreativa). Jag målade förstås håret med knuten gult och ansiktet skärt, med blå ögon och en röd mun. Prinsessan hade samma färger som jag. Ingen av oss var söt.

Veckan därpå skulle vi sy kläder. Jag som bara älskade djur, hade aldrig sytt dockkläder. Vi fick välja bland massor av tyglappar av alla slag. Jag valde ljusgul mjuk frotté. Frotté var nytt i mitten av 1960-talet. Jag sydde en mjuk klänning som min hand fick plats i. När det blev dags för pjäsen sydde fröken G en ny klänning i blått blankt tyg med en spets nertill. Så gjorde hon en krona och satte runt knuten. fake oakleys Fröken G var verkligen mycket bättre än jag på att göra kasperdockor. Jag tror att hon egentligen använde mig som ett alibi för att få göra prinsess-dockan helt själv. Clash Royale HackClash of Clans Hack

Mamma <3

Jag hatade matte (Tack vare min pappa och hans X-ekvation) Min mamma vars matte härstammade från 1930-talet kunde inte ställa upp ”rätt” men hon lärde sig. Sedan räknade hon ut mina tal efter att ha frågat ”Visst kan du det här?” och sedan skrev jag av hennes tal. Mamma räddade mitt liv, inte bara då utan gång på gång. Mamma gjorde inte som alla andra, hon var inte som någon annan. Och just därför räddade hon mig och fick mig att orka ännu en dag i helvetet.

Från det jag fyllt 8 ungefär kunde jag och min pappa inte längre vistas i samma rum, utan att jag sa eller gjorde något fel som fick honom att få ett vansinnesutbrott. Jag menar vredesutbrott som saknade all behärskning. Han gjorde mig skräckslagen. I många många år drömde jag mardrömmar om att människor i min närhet plötsligt förvandlades till livsfarliga odjur. Det är inte svårt att hitta källan till de mardrömmarna.

Det var nog hösten 1965 som jag fick en egen nyckel till mitt rum av mamma. Hon gav mig den och sa så här:

”Nu får du den här nyckeln. Den går till ditt rum. Du ska vara noga med att hålla reda på den. När pappa blir arg ska du SKYNDA dig in på ditt rum och LÅSA dörren. Du får INTE öppna dörren vad han än säger eller vad han än gör för då kommer han att SLÅ dig!”

– Kommer han att slå mig? frågade jag

”Ja, tro mig, Han kommer att slå dig. Om du bara visste hur många gånger jag gått emellan när han har försökt att ge dig stryk” sa mamma och suckade.

(Pappa kallade det tips ”juling”. Det kan nog vara norska.)

Starkare

Mamma räddade mitt liv många gånger.

Om mina lärare sett hur snabb jag kunde vara in på mitt rum så hade jag aldrig haft etta i gymnastik.

Det kunde gå veckor innan jag tillbringade tid med familjen. För det mesta hann jag få mat, men bäst av allt var de många kvällskurserna då pappa var kursledare och borta till 9-tiden på kvällen. replica oakleys Då kunde vi leva. När mina småsyskon somnat satt cheap jerseys jag och ritade medan mamma läste en bok. Jag var inte så bra men med mamma blev jag bättre.  Hon såg på mina teckningar och sa ”Du ska komma ihåg att vad andra än säger, så tycker jag alltid om dina teckningar. Jag kommer alltid tycka att du är väldigt duktig”. Eftersom mammas ord var det enda beröm jag  någonsin fick under hela min uppväxt, höll de mig uppe över ytan Wholesale NFL Jerseys så jag kunde dra ännu ett andetag för att överleva ännu en dag.

Minnet av mammas ord gjorde mig starkare då och ännu idag. Jag hade en gång en mamma och det har gjort hela hela skillnaden.

Nyckeln

Att ha en nyckel är också skillnad. I princip varenda dag inträffade något som drev min pappa från vettet och jag låste in mig. Sedan stod jag vid fönstret och lyssnade när han bultade på dörren och med mörk och hotfull röst försökte förmå mig att lyda.  ”ÖPPNA! ÖPPNA DÖRREN!” Han slog på dörren och jag stod vid fönstret beredd på att ta mig ut om dörren skulle gå sönder. Jag ställde alltid mina skor under fönstret så jag skulle ha något på fötterna om jag måste fly. Men dörren höll och jag slapp bli slagen.

Så småningom tröttnade han, men jag kunde ju inte gå ut ur rummet, för då satte bråket igång igen.. Värst var det att inte kunna gå på toaletten. Kissnödigheten höll mig vaken. När jag smög mig ut efter midnatt kunde jag kvalat in som inbrottstjuv. Jag är fortfarande väldigt bra på att ta mig fram tyst om det behövs. Jag är heller inte rädd för mörker. För mig är mörkret ett skydd.

Mot bakgrund av allt det här var det skönt när jag kunde inleda försäljning av jultidningar igen. Jag var ute varenda kväll, hur sent som helst.

Jag längtade aldrig hem.

”Those privileged to touch the lives of children
should constantly be aware that their impact on a single child
may affect a multitude of others a thousand years from now.”/okänd

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Andra klass – Jag börjar knacka dörr

Hösten 1964 började jag andra klass och det som redan var en prövning blev ännu värre. Vi fick en ny fröken. Den väna prästfrun ersattes av fröken G. Sillpuddingskriget togs till en ny nivå, så även mobbingen och utfrysningen. Då har vi ändå inte nämnt förnedringen i klassrummet som förfinades till perfektion under våra två år med fröken G.

Ted Larsson och Ulla Jönsson flyttade. Bosse Larsson och Roger Pedersen kom nya i klassen. Roger var mycket allergisk och bara det gjorde honom ovanlig. Jag hade aldrig hört talas om att vara allergisk förut. Stackars Roger fick 40 sprutor i ryggen för att de skulle se vad han var allergisk mot. Dagen efter satt Lasse på Rogers rygg där han låg och grät i en av rabatterna kring skolhuset. Lasse slog och slog med ett hånflin på läpparna. Vi andra stod runt omkring och såg på. Även jag, medan det gjorde ont i hela mig så synd tyckte jag om Roger. Men precis som alla andra gjorde jag ingenting. Jag var rätt lättad över att de hade någon annan att slå för en gångs skull.

Skvaller

Men mobbningen av Roger gick över. Det gjorde den inte när det gällde mig. Rast efter rast blev jag slagen och hånad. Ingen vuxen syntes till. Fröknarna tillbringade sina raster i lärarrummets värme och skydd. Alla elever var tvungna att gå ut.

En rast var det särskilt svårt och jag smet in i kapprummet. Mina mobbare vågade inte följa efter, så stor var respekten för lärarna. Jag vågade heller inte stanna i kapprummet utan lov, så jag knackade. Fröken G öppnade.

– Vad vill du?!

– Snälla fröken, kan jag få stanna inne? De slår mig så mycket om jag går ut…

Hon tittade på mig med djupt förakt och medan hon tuggade ut munnen sa hon:

– Kom inte här och skvallra!

Så stängde hon dörren.

Och jag vågade inte annat än gå ut. Mina mobbare väntade utanför porten och jublande kastade de sig över mig igen.

Det var en lång rast. När vi gick in igen hade de slitit sönder min mössa, dragit loss mina hårband, som ändå var stadigt inflätade i mina flätor och jag blödde från läppen.

Fröken G kastade inte en blick på mig när vi fick gå in i klassrummet. Jag minns inte cheap nfl jerseys om det var en sillpuddingsdag, för i så fall hände den här misshandeln på förmiddagen. Alla dagar med sillpudding tillbringade jag eftermiddagen i matsalen i väntan på att få åka hem med bussen.

Svarta tavlan

Jag kunde fortfarande inte läsa eller skriva alla bokstäver i alfabetet. Det var jag inte ensam om. Flera av pojkarna var sena med att skriva ordentligt. En av de övningar vi fick var att skriva samma bokstav i varannan ruta på ett helt ark papper. Vi satt i lugn och ro och skrev när fröken G slog ner som en ljungande blixt. Den här gången var hennes offer Mats. Hon slet åt sig han papper och visade upp det för hela klassen:

– Se här vad Mats har gjort istället för att skriva!!!!! Fröken G svepte med pappret runt omkring så alla kunde se.

– Vilken elak, dum och lat pojke du är!

Fröken G kastade pappret på bänken framför Mats.

– Nu skriver du ordentligt i alla rutor!

Mats satt slokörad kvar och försökte göra rätt.

Och vad hade Mats gjort för att hängas ut?

Han hade kanske tröttnat efter att ha skrivit halva pappret. Sedan hade han börjat rita en lite gubbe i de tre nästa rutorna. Det var allt.

Vi kallades fram för att skriva på svarta tavlan med jämna mellanrum. De mer duktiga flickorna fick mycket beröm. Dit hörde inte jag.

– Skriv ”över”!

Jag skrev ”ÖVÖR”.

– Fel! Gör om det igen!

Jag suddade ut och eftersom jag inte visste  vad som var fel skrev jag ”ÖVÖR” igen.

– Men SER du inte att det är FEL?! Gör om det igen!

Och jag gjorde om det igen.

Efter fyra nya felskrivningar krökte fröken G hånfullt på sina fylliga läppar och vände sig till klassen:

– Kan någon komma upp och visa henne hur det ska stavas?

Jag minns inte vilken flicka som fick chansen att briljera, men jag minns att det var rättstavat.

Jag fick gå ner och sätta mig igen.

Men varför jag inte kunde stava var det ingen som brydde sig om.

X – en gång och aldrig mer

Jag hatade inte räkning förrän min pappa skulle hjälpa mig med läxan och bestämde sig för att jag skulle lära mig att räkna med X. Första räkneläxan någonsin. Jag förstod ingenting. Men inte en enda gång mer fick han se skymten av mina läxor, aldrig mer i hela mitt liv. Jag hade hellre bränt upp både räkneböcker och alla andra läxböcker än att låta honom ”hjälpa” mig igen.

Han insats födde en livslång motvilja mot matematik, rättare sagt drabbades jag av det man nu för tiden kallar ”Matte-ångest”. Jag är hur snabb som helst när det gäller huvudräkning. Jag kan läsa ritningar, formler, recept, mått och omvandlingstabeller.., Kort sagt kan jag det mesta man behöver för att klara sig, inte minst efter tio år på laboratorium.  Men jag hatar matte ändå.

Familjens ekonomi balanserade som alltid mellan fattigdom och ruin hösten 1964. Det var mot den bakgrunden mamma insåg att jag behövde tjäna egna pengar.

– Det skulle vara bra om du kunde få lite pengar. Vill du sälja jultidningar? frågade mamma.

Jag som fortfarande inte kunde läsa hade inga begrepp om vad det innebar. Men sa ja, som så ofta i mitt liv när jag inte haft en aning.

Jag var ju redan självständig och modig. Så varför oakley outlet inte självförsörjande också?

Så mamma ringde Åhlén & Åkerlunds förlag. Jag fick dispens som åttaåring för att sälja jultidningar.

– Egentligen måste man vara 10 år, men jag sa att du är ovanligt duktig för din ålder, förklarade mamma uppfordrande.

Ja, vem kunde protestera mot det omdömet?

Knacka dörr

Så jag tog mina kataloger och började knacka dörr. Vi bodde ganska långt jordan sale söderut i Sysslebäck. Jag gick efter stora vägen i timmar varje kväll. Först åt ena hållet. Från Kvistberget och fram till vägen mot Vindängsjön. Det låg bondgårdar och gamla hus efter hela vägen. Jag passerade Mogrens Järnhandel, Konsum i gula huset med torn på vänster sida och sedan Larssons handel på höger sida, hela vägen fram till stora backen där vägen till Vindängsjön gick in. Sedan tillbaka igen.

Det var ungefär 4 km fram och tillbaka mellan Kvistberget och vägen till Vindängsjön. Åt andra hållet var det närmare 7.8 km enkel väg till andra sidan Klarabro. Alltså nästan 16 km fram och tillbaka hem. Det var långt.

Jag gick inte hela sträckan på en kväll, utan delade upp den i mindre bitar. Jag gick och knackade i alla hus på ena sidan och tillbaka knackade jag på resten av husen. Ofta var de en bit in från vägen och jag gick till alla.

Det var mest gamla bondgårdar och äldre hus söderöver. Där det numer är igenväxt eller nya villor var det öppna ängar nästan överallt. Norröver var det mer tätbefolkat. Min rutt gick genom centrum och utefter stora vägen, förbi Folkets Park och vidare mot Skyllbäck. Jag gick så länge det fanns hus att knacka på.

Det tog tid att gå och det var mörkt. Men jag hade reflexer och uthållighet. oakley outlet Ofta var klockan närmare 22 när jag var hemma igen. Kväll efter kväll.

När jultidningarna kom delade mamma upp dem efter beställningarna. Sedan slog hon in varje beställning i brunt omslagspapper, skrev namn och adress på varje paket och vad de skulle betala. Hon skrev med olika pennor och färger, varierade skrivstil eller tryckbokstäver. Sedan fick jag lära mig alltsammans utantill, för jag kunde ju inte läsa. Men räkna pengar lärde jag mig tidigt.

Så här ser det ut 2015:

Här vände jag vid vägen till Vindängsjön och gick hemåt igen. Det var fortfarande vänstertrafik så jag gick och knackade på höger sidan hem.

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I det vita huset låg Larssons Handel. När jag var liten var huset grått, dörren var på mitten med två stora skyltfönster på båda sidor om dörren.

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Här rakt fram låg Mogrens järnhandel och till vänster, ungefär där bilen är parkerad bakom ”Fiske”-skylten oakley outlet låg Sol-kiosken. Till höger om affären skymtar gaveln på Nedergårdens uthus, där jag fick se skinnen av killingarna.
Jag gick alltså till Sol-kiosken längs foten av kullen där Cottage de gamla magasinshusen låg när jag skulle köpa cigaretter till mamma. Det röda huset på kullen kan vara Frälsningsarméns f.d. samlingslokal ”Klippan”. Det gula huset ligger där de röda stora magasinshusen började.

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Det tog tre år innan jag hade sparat ihop till mina första egna möbler. Jag hade 12 öre per krona i provision. I januari 1967 köpte jag ett toalettbord med tillhörande blommig stol för 425 kr. Som jämförelse ska nämnas att man fick en trea för samma hyra per månad i en halvstor stad. Det var en enorm summa pengar för en tioåring.

Jag har både stolen och toalettbordet kvar.

 

 

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Sillpuddingen och rasterna

Min bänk var placerad allra längst ner i klassrummet, som en liten ö för sig själv. Det blev en del flyttande innan alla fått rätt höjd på sina bänkar. Det fanns lite olika höjder att välja på.

Anita var längst av alla. Hon hade rött hår och en blåtira första skoldagen. Inggun var kort med blonda lockar som slutade i öronhöjd. Ylva hade axellångt cendre hår med mittbena. Ulla var blek, blond smal och späd. Eva var lite mörkare och hade glasögon. Karin var smal, smidig och mycket söt.

Lasse var lång, blond, bleka ögon och snaggad. Mats var rätt liten, med ljust hår och vattenkammad hellugg. Bosse P hade en blå bag som skolväska, han var kortklippt med lockig lugg och vänliga mellanblå ögon. Ted hade oakley outlet ett gammalt utseende redan som barn, blå ögon och vita ögonfransar. Stig var blond och hade glasögon med kraftiga svarta bågar. Olle var liten och tjock, med mörkt hår och massor av fräknar. Han hade nära till skolan, bodde i backen mellan busshållplatsen och skolan.

Fet och klumpig

Så var det jag, med mina ljusa flätor och lite tjock. När jag började skolan var jag 131 cm lång och vägde 31 kg. Jag kunde varken skriva mitt namn eller äta med kniv och gaffel. Vi hade ingen TV men radio när jag var 7 år. Min vänstra fot vred sig utåt, jag hade svårt att springa och dålig balans. Jag var inte van Fake Oakleys att umgås i grupp eller med okända människor. Vår fröken var 27 år och prästfru med två små pojkar.  Jag minns inte alls vad hon hette.

Osäkert såg jag mig omkring där jag satt i min bänk.

Kvällen innan hade mamma sagt så här:

– De sa att mammorna kunde få följa med första dagen om de ville. Men jag tänker inte följa med dig. Du kommer ju ändå att få gå till skolan ensam i fortsättningen, så det är väl ingen idé att jag följer med dig i morgon heller. Du klarar dig!

Alla andra hade med sig någon. De flesta hade sina mammor och någon enda hade sin mormor.  Alla ropades upp och skulle svara ordentligt med sitt namn. Fröken noterade i sin bok.

Just nu sviker mig minnet. För det jag minns är att vi fick klä av oss i bara underkläderna för att vägas och mätas. Men det kan väl inte ha varit så vansinnigt att det skedde första dagen? Men var det inte allra första dagen, så ägde det rum bara några dagar senare.

Fortfarande tacksam

Mammorna skulle följa med igen, alltså alla andras.  Vi fick klä av oss i linne och underbyxor/kalsonger, stående bredvid bänkarna i klassrummet. Så vägdes vi och mättes. Kanske hade vi med oss en burk med urinprov hemifrån. När vi var klara skulle vi klä på oss. Och det var då alla mammorna såg att jag inte visste hur man gjorde. Jag hade inte klätt på mig en enda gång i hela mitt liv.

Mamma hade inte tid och wholesale nfl jerseys tålamod att vänta på att jag äntligen skulle bli klar, så hon klädde på mig som en swisch. Jag bara stod där och kläderna flög på mig, utan jag visste ens hur det hände, så snabb var hon. Nu stod jag där i klassrummet, utan att ens veta i vilken ordning kläderna skulle sättas på. Men Ullas mamma stod inte bara och tittade. Hon hjälpte mig och jag är faktiskt tacksam än idag. Hade det inte varit för henne hade jag fått stå där med skammen. Det var hemskt nog ändå.

Mamma fortsatte swischa på mig kläderna varenda morgon tills jag gick i trean.  Sedan flätade hon mitt hår, medan jag drack choklad och lyssnade på ”Småbarnskvarten” på radion.

Vackert skolhus

Hade det inte varit så ångestframkallande att plötsligt hamna i skolan så kunde jag ha sett att det var ett vackert hus med klassrum i vardera änden. I mitten låg lärarbostaden, med blåsippor i rabatten.  Gaveln där mitt och treans klassrum låg var närmast backen. Mitt emot skolporten fanns en röd länga med förråd och i källaren låg skoltoaletterna. Träsitsar som täckte bara den del av porslinet och en kedja med spoltank ovanför.

Trädgården som låg på andra sidan av den stora grusplanen och baksidan på skolan tillhörde lärarfamiljen som bodde i huset. Vi skolbarn fick inte vara där alls. Men jag minns att Ulla fick specialtillåtelse att springa på baksidan ett par dagar, efter att hon varit hemma med magsjuka. Fröken förklarade för hela klassen ray bans ale varför och la till att det bara var Ulla som fick gå på baksidan och att ingen fick reta henne om hon skulle få ont i magen.

Så började rasterna. Alla måste gå ut. Jag stod i ett hörn högst upp på trappan bredvid dörren och väntade på att rasten skulle ta slut. Omkring mig var ett vacuum. Men strax intill formerades grupperna. De såg på Film mig och viskade.

IMG_7088

 

Här är trappan, men den såg inte så idyllisk ut som på bilden. Den saknade tak och hade metallräcken.

Jag tror att jag fick vara ifred första rasten. Mitt på dagen marscherade vi längs framsidan av skolan bort till andra gaveln där matsalen låg. Där fanns den mycket snälla tant Ellen som lagade mat och bredde smörgåsar.

Jag hade aldrig druckit ur en rostfri mugg förut, men nu var det vad som fanns. Mjölken kändes extra kall och det var härligt. Vad som var mindre härligt var skolmaten. Och värst av allt var sillpuddingen. Urvattnade sillfiléer varvade med skivad potatis i en långpanna. Det blev pudding då man hällde över äggvita, som kallades äggstanning. Så skjuts in i ugnen och ut igen för att serveras till småbarn mellan 7-9 år.

Sillpuddingen

Efter en enda liten tugga bestämde mig för att aldrig äta sillpudding mer i hela mitt liv. Och hade jag inte varit så liten hade det varit en sak för FN:s säkerhetsråd. Eller deportering till Sibiriens arbetsläger. Eller tigerburarna i Vietnam. Men eftersom det var frågan om en sjuåring wholesale nfl jerseys i en liten småskola i Finnskoga -Dalby rektorsområde så lyftes det bara till rektorsnivå. Och det hamnade på rektorsnivå för att denna svaga man med titeln rektor hade makt över min pappa.

Rektorn hade ett allvarssamtal med min pappa, som kom hem till middagen och berättade att rektorn hälsade till mig. Rektorn hade förståelse för att alla barn inte tyckte om all mat men genom att jag så ihärdigt vägrade äta sillpudding så var jag ett dåligt föredöme för de övriga barnen. Underförstått, de som inte hade lyckan Cheap Football Jerseys att vara barn till lärare och andra högtstående varelser inom hans befogenhetsområde.

Vi såg på varandra mina föräldrar och jag.

fake oakleys Äggstanning är ingen mat för barn, sa mamma.

Och så var det inget mer med det. Och trots att det innebar problem för min pappa på jobbet att jag trotsade rektorns order så var vi eniga i alla tysthet. Och jag har än i denna dag aldrig mer ätit sillpudding.

Aldrig mer

Det innebar också att jag tillbringade flera timmar  matsalen varje gång det var sillpudding. Jag fick inte lämna matsalen om jag inte åt upp maten. Men den som klarat skogen, älven och bergen, för att inte tala om mörkret, alldeles ensam viker sig inte så lätt. Jag satt framför den dallrande sillpuddingen tills läraren måste släppa iväg mig för att jag skulle hinna med bussen vid 15-16 tiden. I tre år.

Och den enda effekt rektorns ingripande hade på mig var att jag förlorade all respekt för auktoriteter, för resten av mitt liv. Men vägran att äta all skolmat var ytterligare något som skilde ut mig från de andra.

Varje dag fick jag höra att jag var ful, tjock och motbjudande. Mamma stickade fantastiska tröjor med norskt mönster. Hon stickade både vantar och mössor. Som slets sönder av mobben. Jag knuffades in i väggar, dörrar och bänkar. Jag fick aldrig ens bara vara ensam, utan kommentarer och angrepp. Jag var fritt villebråd för hela skolan, utom flickorna i min egen klass och en eller annan pojke. Men de som inte mobbade vågade varken ingripa, försvara mig eller ens stå kvar när plågoandrarna närmade sig.

Självförsvar

Mamma, som själv kom från ett hem där hon fick stryk och var ”retad” i skolan försökte lära mig att slåss. På riktigt. Hon visade mig hur man skulle slå för att det skulle göra throwback nba jerseys så ont som möjligt och samtidigt inte synas efteråt.

– Använd armbågen, det tar bra. Om du håller med ena handen så här och hjälper till så blir du stark, förklarade mamma när hon skulle lära mig självförsvar.

– Jag KAN inte , sa jag alldeles förtvivlad.

– Varför kan du inte? frågade mamma.

– Jag kan inte slå tillbaka, för jag vet ju hur ont det gör! svarade jag och grät över min bristande försvarsinstinkt.

Mamma tyckte jag var hopplös. Jag tyckte hon hade rätt. Men bara tanken på hårda armbågar in i mjukt kött gjorde mig illamående.

Men de här tre åren var bara en uppvärmning.

På bilden är jag ungefär 7 år. Det är den enda färgbild som finns av mig under hela min barndom. Det är sommaren 1964.  Bakom mig har jag ett skolår där hela mitt självförtroende utplånas bit för bit. Men ännu hatar jag inte mig själv så mycket som längre fram.

 

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Tretton i klassen

Jag såg mycket fram emot att börja skolan. Eva som var två år äldre, började skolan hösten 1961 och var hur mallig som helst. För min inre syn såg jag hur hon fick stå på kryss och deklamera verser med jämna mellanrum. Dessutom hade hon en fröken och skolväska. Själv var jag kvar hemma och vandrade omkring som vanligt i skogen, upp i berget och längs älven.

Sensommaren 1963 tillbringade jag kvällarna med att rita teckningar om att börja skolan. Jag ritade aldrig människor, jag ritade alltid djur. Jag ritade katten när han var på väg till skolan, med ryggsäck och mössa. Jag ritade saker han kunde gör på vägen dit skolan. Som att hoppa hage.

När jag tänkte på allt jag skulle få se och göra kände jag mig varm och glad.

Kvällen innan första skoldagen var mamma och pappa på föräldramöte, där de fick se klassrummen för första gången. Mamma väckte mig när de kom hem. Hon berättade hur det såg ut, om svarta tavlan, alla planscherna och skolbänkarna.

– Det finns en stor kulram med kulor i olika färger som man lär sig att räkna på, förklarade mamma.

Det fanns inga gränser för allt spännande och härligt som skolan inrymde. Jag somnade om, förväntansfull.

Första skoldagen

Morgonen grydde. Mamma borstade och flätade mitt hår. Jag fick choklad och smörgås. Så tog jag min rödrutiga skolväska och gick nerför backen till bussarnas vändplats för första gången.

Bussen kom, alla trängdes men så småningom var vi på väg. Tidigare hade småskolan varit inrymd i Hole skola, rakt nedanför Kvistberget, men nu var det bestämt att lågstadiet skulle gå i Skyllbäcks skola på andra sidan Sysslebäck. Bussen stannade nere vid affären på hörnet, mitt emot hängbron. Sedan fick vi gå uppför den branta  backen till skolan.

IMG_7088

 

Teckningarna ovan kommer från Elise Lindow-Agnarssons böcker om sin egen uppväxt i Sysslebäck under första delen av 1900-talet. Jag började skolan i Skyllbäck, precis som Elise och hennes syskon. Mitt klassrum är till vänster på bilden. Till höger har Elise tecknat av hängbron som gick över älven just där bussarna stannade.

Ettornas klassrum låg till vänster när man kom in genom porten. Mitt emot var tredje klass, där Eva gick. I hallen var långa rader med klädkrokar, under dem fanns bänkar och  längst bort låg dörren till lärarrum och förråd. Vill vänster långt ner fanns också en dricksvattenfontän.

Vi fick ställa oss på ett långt led och marschera in i klassrummet. Där stod bänkarna två och två. Fröken placerade ut barnen, par om par. De flesta kände redan varandra. Jag hade aldrig träffat någon av dem. Det var Anita Larsson och Inggun Karlsson, Ylva Berglund och Ulla Jönsson, Eva Östberg och Karin Larsson, Olle Stenström och Lasse Persson (?), Bosse Persson och Mats Persson, Stig Larsson (?) och Ted Larsson. De sattes par om par. Så var det en ensam bänk kvar. Där sattes jag, som nummer 13 i klassen.

En bit bort

Den placeringen behöll jag symboliskt, inte bara resten av min skoltid, utan genom livets alla skiften. Den dag som idag är, när jag sitter här medan solen stiger allt högre och fåglarna sjunger utanför, är jag för alltid nummer 13.

Ensam, en bit bort från alla andra.

Precis som då, händer det att jag bjuds in att dela andras liv en stund. Men inte ens då jag var gift var jag en naturlig del av gemenskapen. För det mesta iakttar jag andras liv. Jag lyssnar till livet, mycket mer än lever ett liv.

Jag kan helt enkelt inte tolka de små signalerna, som jag vet är grunden för att kunna fungera riktigt bra i en grupp. Jag hade ett normalt liv som riktigt liten, med mamma och pappa, fast han jobbade jämt. Men att flytta till Sverige var att hamna utanför. När jag sedan som fyraåring lämnades ensam dagar och veckor, utan något annat sällskap än mitt eget tror jag något gick sönder.

Att socialiseras

När mamma väl kom hem hade jag slutat att kramas. Jag minns exakt hur många kramar jag fick under resten av min uppväxt. Ingen. När jag som 8-åring fick mitt första armbandsur i julklapp uppmanade mamma mig att ge pappa en kram. Jag la armarna runt hans hals, han bara satt där. Och så var det bra med det.

För att kunna umgås med andra måste man vara med andra och se hur de gör. När det gäller hundvalpar heter det att socialisera dem. Alla uppfödare vet att man måste hantera sina djur från att de är små, för att de ska lära sig att slappna av och våga ha fysisk kontakt.

Äckligt

Ingen hanterade mig. Jag fick aldrig en kram, aldrig sitta i knä och cheap nfl jerseys det var bara när jag nästan skar av mig tummen som hösten 1961 fake oakleys som jag fick bandage. Men ingen tog mig till läkare. Inte heller när jag försökte stå på händer i sängen, vippade åt sidan och slog kanten av foten i en stol. Jag kunde inte gå på en vecka cheap oakley sunglasses och var blå från midjan ända ner ut på lilltån. Eller när jag halkade och slog i ett hörn i hallen så att lillfingret bröts utåt i 90 graders vinkel. Jag blödde inte så det blev inget bandage. Eller läkarbesök. Min hand svullnade upp så jag inte kunde röra fingrarna.

Det gjorde också att jag inte fick sitta med och äta vid matbordet, rätt länge.

När jag försiktigt la min högra hand på bordet bredvid min tallrik och började äta med vänster hand gjorde pappa en äcklad min.

– Det ser ju ut som en fågelklo!

Mamma som alltid ville vara pappa till lags sa till mig att gå från bordet.

– Pappa tycker det cheap oakleys ser äckligt ut. Skynda dig att gå från bordet!

Och jag reste mig utan protest. Jag såg äcklig ut Check Out Your URL. Jag höll upp min högra hand med hjälp av den vänstra. Det gjorde så ont om den skadade hängde ner.

När alla hade ätit färdigt fick jag komma fram och få min mat.

Ensam

Tills jag var 14 år såg mitt liv i stort sett ut så här:

När jag inte var ute ensam, var jag på mitt rum ensam.

Det var med stora förväntningar jag gick till skolan första dagen.

Jag borde ha tagit livet av mig i stället.

På bilden är jag sju år. Jag har mitt livs första examensklänning, i rosa, grått och vitt. Mamma har sytt den, fast hon hatar att sy. I håret har jag ett brett rosa band köpt hos Larssons Handel i Sysslebäck. Runt halsen har jag det kors som mammas faster Rut fick i konfirmationspresent då hon konfirmerades 1907 i Tiflis, Ryssland  (Tbilisi, huvudstad i nuvarande Georgien).

 

 

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‘Bleed for This’ is great movie tell story about The inspirational story of World Champion Boxer Vinny Pazienza, who after a near fatal car crash, which left him not knowing if he’d ever walk again, made one of sports most incredible comebacks. This film have genre Drama and have 116 minutes runtime.

Cast
Christine Evangelista as Ashley, Miles Teller as Vinny Pazienza, Ciarán Hinds as Angelo Pazienza, Ted Levine as Lou Duva, Katey Sagal as Louise Pazienza, Aaron Eckhart as Kevin Rooney.

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The Director of this film is Ben Younger. The movie Bleed for This is produced by Verdi Productions, Sikelia Productions, Bruce Cohen Productions, Younger Than You and released in November 04, 2016

Similar Movie
Bleed for This have some similar movie, Million Dollar Baby, Unbroken, Creed, Rocky, Eddie the Eagle, Raging Bull

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Dag Hammarskjöld

I september 1961, natten mellan den 17 och 18 befann sig Dag Hammarskjöld på ett litet flygplan, på väg till ett möte med Tshombe i Nordrhodesia (nuvarande Zambia).  Totalt fanns 15 personer ombord, förutom den svenska besättningen. Strax innan landning störtade planet och samtliga omkom, förutom en amerikansk sergeant som dog i sviterna från olyckan några dagar senare.

Dag Hammarskjöld fick en TV-sänd stadsbegravning i slutet av september och gravsattes den 29 september 1961 i Uppsala.

Vem är det?

Allt det här gick mig spårlöst förbi. Dels hade vi varken TV eller radio, dels hade jag fyllt fem år exakt 15 dagar innan planet med Hammarskjöld störtade.

Så kom den dag då mina föräldrar samlades kring en kartongbit med ett mynt som anlänt per post. Jag såg upp på deras allvarliga ansikten och frågade vad det var.

–  Det är Dag Hammarskjölds minnesmynt, svarade mamma och suckade.

Pappa sa ingenting.

– Vem är det? frågade jag

– Vet du inte det?! frågade mamma med skärpa i rösten och fortsatte:

– Han var ju FN:s Generalsekreterare!

Det kändes i magen att jag borde ha vetat vem han var. Jag glömde det aldrig.

Den största dagen

Längre fram i livet har jag känt samma skam när jag plötsligt fått veta att någon gjort något fantastisk under lång tid och jag som inte gjort något speciellt alls, inte ens vetat vem de är.

Det är så svårt att förklara, men att åtminstone minnas deras namn blir ett sätt att hedra deras gärningar. Det är dessutom en nyttig påminnelse.

Den dag då du står på din absoluta topp, vare sig det är professionellt eller privat. Den dag då du lyser starkast av alla och får dina 15 minuter i strålkastarljuset. Just den dagen finns det tusentals andra som gör en större insats än du någonsin kommer uppnå. Och de gör det igen nästa dag. I tysthet, utan en tanke på vare sig hyllningar eller någon som nämner deras namn.

Har du hört talas om Asfaw Yemiru?

Nu har du det.

Glöm inte hans namn heller.

 

Fotot av Dag Hammarskjöld är taget i FN-huset New York 1959

Bild från http://www.dh100.se Källa: UN / DPI * Källa: webbplats [ http://www.dh100.se dh100.se], som drivs av ”Svenska FN-förbundet

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Best mother ever?

En baby kidnappas från BB tre dagar efter födseln. 17 år senare återfinns hon, efter att en lillasyster har mött henne i skolan. Hennes biologiska mamma, som i alla dessa år har sörjt, saknat och letat efter sin försvinna dotter säger att hon vill tacka kvinnan som tog hennes barn. För hon har uppfostrat dottern så bra, att hon är lika vacker inifrån och ut.

http://fb-173.sfglobe.com/2015/03/09/newborn-baby-kidnapped-from-hospital-17-years-ago-is-reunited-with-family/?src=fbfan_36856

Det får mig att tänka på de kvinnor som födde mina barn. Vad hade de tyckt om alltsammans? Har jag tagit hand om döttrarna tillräckligt bra för att kunna stå till svars, om deras döda mamma skulle stå framför mig? Fick de den familj hon hade önskat dem eller hade barnen haft det hockey jerseys bättre någon annanstans? Och flickan som gav liv åt min son. Hon gick vidare i livet. Jag undrar hur ofta hon tänker på honom, i hemlighet.

Kärlek

Det är lätt att säga att vilket barn som helst har det bättre i en familj där föräldrarna älskar varandra. Men det svåra är att inse att det inte är sant. Det finns familjer där de vuxna är så uppslukade av varandra att barnen får stå tillbaka. Att de vuxna först och främst ser till att den andra vuxna mår bra. Barnen i en sådan familj blir lärda att inte oroa mamma eller pappa, på uppmaning av den andra föräldern.

Barn har det bäst i en familj där barnen och deras behov sätt främst. Där de vuxna kan låta sina egna behov stå i bakgrunden, medan de tar hand om barnen. Det är lätt att påstå att jobbet är så viktigt och att man arbetar för familjens skull. Att det är så viktigt att man är på sin arbetsplats, att man aldrig kan ta föräldraledigt. Men barn bryr sig inte om din karriär, de bryr sig om att du ger dem tid.

Att ge barnen allt de pekar på, som den kan som aldrig sätter barnen främst, är den största otjänst man kan göra sina barn. När de växande barnen inser att lojalitet, tillgivenhet och kärlek kan säljas för pengar och presenter är de inte längre dina barn. De är säljare av en vara till högstbjudande. Så länge du betalar stannar de kvar. Och tiden går medan kraven växer och barnens hjärtan förvandlas till sten. De behöver inte ens duka av sin egen tallrik efter maten, de får allt de behöver ändå.

Pengar är allt?

Barnen kom till ett samhälle där karriär och pengar är ett mått på människors värde. Och de lärde sig snabbt att anamma omgivningens normer, eftersom det ger många bonuspoäng att passa in. Här stannar man inte hemma i onödan och tar hand om barnen. För att mamma ska få behålla jobbet sätts de flesta barn i förskola strax efter ettårsdagen. Den som är föräldraledig länge står utanför arbetsmarknaden och räknas bort både som person och yrkesmässigt.

Alla tre barnen började förskolan runt treårsdagen eller senare. Det var bra för dem. De hann landa i det nya livet, slapp många sjukdomar och var redo den dag de började dagis. Att leva sina första år i total fattigdom, svält och utanförskap sätter djupa spår. Distansen till främlingar Cheap NFL Jerseys finns inte kvar när man dagligen har överlevt genom att behaga andra. Besvikelsen över att världens bästa familj gick i kras förändrar verkligheten för alltid.  Det är lättare att byta liv som bebis. Man får mer tid, lägre förväntningar och har en hel krets av vuxna och syskon som gör allt för den som är ensam, liten och ny. Att vara sex år yngre än närmaste syskon är att födas som ensambarn.

Slutet

Det kom en dag då allt tog slut. Då likgiltigheten, egoismen och omogenheten hade gått så långt att allt var över. Inte ens för barnens skull fanns möjligheten att spela med i den stora farsen om den lyckliga familjen. Jag undrar vad de kvinnor som födde mina barn hade sagt om de kunnat tala. För jag vet vad de hade gjort. Ingenting. Där mina barn är födda finns inte skilsmässa på kartan, man dödar regelbundet mammor, unga fruar, kvinnor i alla åldrar som inte uppfyller kraven från släkten. Där hade jag varit död i samma stund jag börjat berätta. Här nöjde man sig med att starta en häxprocess, där man drog in barnen på ett sätt som skadade dem för alltid.

När ett helt brukssamhälle går samman för att skydda de sina då ger det effekt, det måste man erkänna. Överallt fanns de kontakter som behövdes för att ödelägga livet.

Istället för att polisanmäla flyttade jag med barnen. Att inte gå till läkare för dokumentation av skadorna och polisanmäla misshandeln är mitt livs största misstag. Alla kategorier.

Hånet

Han vet att han klarade sig undan på grund av att jag inte gick till polisen. Trots alla de år som gått hånar han mig fortfarande för att han kom undan. Han uppmanar mig att gå till polisen ”så får du se om cheap oakleys du blir trodd” Han förnekar med hög röst (för att barnen Fake Oakleys ska höra) ”DET HAR ALDRIG HÄNT” precis som han förnekade det i både tingsrätt och hovrätt under ed. Men när ingen hör viskar han ”Jag lyfte dig aldrig, du gick baklänges till soffan” alltså samma soffa där han försökte kväva mig. Där jag räddades av döttrarnas uppvaknande i sista stund. Den natten vakade jag vid datorn och letade rätt på ett hus för att fly med barnen. Istället för att åka till akuten och polisen. Det var mitt livs misstag.

I flera dagar satt jag framför datorn, ibland i sällskap med de äldsta barnen. För att försöka hitta en läkare som skulle behandla mig utan att polisanmäla misshandeln. För i min enfald visste jag inte att läkare inte har anmälningsplikt. cheap jerseys I min enfald tänkte jag att att det var viktigast att inte polisen hämtade pappa för att han var den enda som hade fast jobb. Jag hade bara timanställning, så jag valde att fly istället för att polisanmäla honom. Och jag var tvungen att rädda barnen så han inte skulle döda dem under något av sina utbrott. Därför letade jag efter en läkare istället för att ringa polisen. Därför satt jag framför datorn medan klar vätska rann ut mina öron. De var sönderpressade mot mitt huvud, medan han la sina händer runt min skalle och lyfte rakt upp. Jag tappade massor av hår den veckan. Smärtorna i det krossade brosket fanns kvar i nästan sex år efter misshandeln. Men eftersom jag inte gick till polisen gick han fri.

Inte nummer 187

Kvinnorna som födde mina barn skulle nicka igenkännande. Våldsamma äktenskap är inget ovanligt varken där eller här, en hel del slutar med döden. Vid den här tiden var Aftonbladets räkneverk uppe i 186 kvinnor som dödats av sina män under 2000-talet. Jag bestämde mig för att inte riskera att bli det 187:e.

http://dodadekvinnor.aftonbladet.se/2013/06/elva-nya-fall-nu-ar-de-212/

Därför flyttade jag 50 mil. Jag förlorade vårdnaden om mina barn för ingen trodde mig när jag äntligen berättade. Flytten betraktades av tingsrätten som om jag satte mina egna intressen framför barnens. Jag avslutade hela mitt liv, både släkt, syskon, vänner, fake oakleys bekanta, jobb. Jag började ett nytt liv, som sällan var lätt men äntligen var jag fri att tala, tänka, leva utan att nedvärderas, kommenteras och kontrolleras av en översittare i världsklass. Barnen dömdes till förvaring i draknästet, och fick växa upp omgivna av människor som hatar mig, förtalar mig och griper varje tillfälle till att skada mig. Hur barnen påverkades av att växa upp i våldet som fortsatte, mutade till tystnad med pengar och presenter efter varje utbrott det vet bara framtiden.

Inte död

Skulle de kvinnor som fött mina barn dömt mig som fredlös eller hade de förstått att en levande mamma är bättre än en död? Även om hon är fattig, hatad och utstött?

Efter tre år stämde jag pappan och återfick gemensam vårdnad om de två yngsta som ännu inte var vuxna. Jag var min egen advokat.

Jag är inte helt säker på att de kvinnor som födde mina barn skulle tacka mig för att jag uppfostrat deras barn till bra människor.

Men jag gjorde så gott jag kunde.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Natt med en våldsman

Natten tillbringades i sällskap med en våldsman och hans traumatiserade offer i Elisabeth Haynes Glöm inte att låsa. 

Lee är lång, blond och mycket vältränad. Han är inte bara dörrvakt, utan också polis med stort kontaktnät.Lee är inte bara snygg, spännande och vältalig. Han har en дороге karisma som överväldigar alla han möter. Catherines vänner gratulerar henne, med illa dold avundsjuka, till att ha hittat en så fantastisk man.

Deras kärlekshistoria är en uppslukande passion. Men sakta känner Catherine att något är fel, utan att kunna sätt fingret på problemet. Lee tar verkligen hand om henne, lagar underbara middagar och ringer henne flera gånger om dagen för att höra hur hon har det. Bit för bit tappar Catherine kontakten med sina vänner, omfamnad av Lees allt intensivare uppvaktning. När han plötsligt blir våldsam tar hon det som en engångsföreteelse. Hans humörsvängningar blir allt våldsammare och tätare. När Catherine till slut berättar om misshandeln blir hon inte trodd, ens av sina närmaste vänner. Lee har nämligen tagit kontakt med alla hon känner och berättat att Catherine visar tecken på att vara psykiskt sjuk och tillfogat sig alla skador själv.

Elisabeth Haynes arbetar som utredare inom polisen. Glöm inte att låsa skrev hon som ett tävlingsbidrag. Det är hennes första bok. Den har fått stora framgångar i såväl Storbritannien som USA.

Tankeväckande bok om ett vanligt problem. Den borde vara obligatorisk läsning i skolor, inom sjukvården och polismyndigheten. Framför allt borde du ge den i present till dina vänner och läsa den högt för dem som inte läser böcker själva. Psykopaterna lever mitt ibland oss andra, älskade och uppskattade av alla. En dag kan du vara den som behöver bli trodd.

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