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Det var en gång en pojke…

Det var en gång en liten pojke. Han bästa vän var en tiger. Pojken och tigern förstod varandra precis. De tog hand om varandra och lekte varje dag tillsammans.

En dag sa pojken till sin mamma:

– När jag blir stor ska jag bli bonde på Öland. Och du ska bo i ett hus på andra sidan vägen. Tiger får bo hos dig.

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Tiden gick. Pojken och tigern växte och blev större.

En dag föll det eviga mörkret över pojkens värld. Kriget kom. Onda människor såg sin chans till makt och ära. Striden böljade fram och åter.

Mamman och tigern fick fly för sina liv. Pojken togs som krigsbyte. I många år hölls han fången i det eviga mörkret, isens och hatets land.

På Öland fanns mamman och tigern. Ljuset, solen och människornas vänlighet strömmade mot dem. Sakta läkte de sina skador. Men saknaden fanns kvar. Varje dag längtade mamman och tigern efter sin lilla pojke som fick växa upp i kylan.

År lades till år. Var dag var en kamp, även i paradiset. Mamman och tigern började bli lite trötta. Pojken var så långt cheap jerseys borta och kändes förlorad för evigt.

Men under tiden hade pojken växt upp till en ung man. Han såg sig omkring. Han rannsakade sitt hjärta och han insåg att nu var det dags. Den unge mannen gick till ledaren och vädjade till hans goda sida.

– Jag kommer aldrig att lyckas bland människor som hatar mig. Jag måste flytta till Öland för min framtids skull.

Och ledaren lyssnade. Och beslöt sig för att bryta järnringen runt pojken som växt upp till man, långt innan åren var inne.

I samma stund ledaren skrev under frigivningsdokumentet kände pojken hur sorgen lyfte från hans hjärta. För fake oakleys första gången i sitt liv kunde han berätta om sin smärta, sin vrede och cheap nfl jerseys de många åren av maktlöshet och förnedring. För snart skulle de bara vara onda minnen.

På Öland satt mamman och tigern i trädgården. Solen sjönk sakta i havet.

– Det kommer någon, sa Tiger.

Och mycket riktigt. I skuggan Cheap NFL Jerseys China av träden skymtade en figur. Han var lång, smal och drog på en stor röd resväska.

Tigern kisade mot ljuset.

– Det ser ut som pojken, sa han sedan.

Mamman sa ingenting.

Den unge mannen hade hunnit fram till trädgården.

– Jag är här nu, sa han.

Mamman strök över hans armar och la sitt ansikte mot hans lena kind. Hon blundade och kände hans doft.

Och tusen år av förtvivlan svävade bort i kvällsbrisen.

Pojken var äntligen hemma.

 

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Fjärde klass

Hösten 1966 började jag fjärde klass i Hole skola, som låg ungefär 5 minuter bort från vår ytterdörr. Det var slut med bussåkandet. Om jag inte minns fel började vi vid 8 eller 8.30.  Anledningen till att jag inte minns är att jag gick hemifrån vid 6.45 eller åtminstone före 7 varje dag. När klockan Wholesale China Jerseys var 7 var jag redan på plats på övervåningen i skolan där vi hade vårt klassrum. Städerskan kom redan klockan 6 så jag kunde ta mig in genom porten.

Sedan inväntade jag de andra barnen som en efter en anlände till skolan, ungefär en timme senare. Jag hörde stora hallen nere fyllas av eleverna i klass fem och sex. Mina egna klasskamrater var de enda som kom upp för trappan och det var svaret på varför jag bad mamma väcka mig senast 6.15 varje morgon.

Visserligen fick jag glåpord slängda i ansiktet direkt varje morgon, men för de mesta fick jag vara fysiskt ifred om inte någon var på särskilt dåligt humör och tog ut det på mig med knuffar och slag. Killarna hade växt till sig över sommaren, det kände jag på hårdheten i deras pojknävar.

Gatlopp

Men det var ändå ingenting mot det gatlopp som väntade mig om jag försov mig och kom till skolan samma tid som alla andra. I stora hallen nere väntade sadisterna på nästa färska offer. Och det var alltid jag. Leif Bengtsson minns jag speciellt för hans djupa hårda slag i ryggen. Han stank svett och hat när han ivrigt påhejad av resten av mobben slog så mycket han orkade. Jag stängde av och kämpade mig fram mot trappan till övervåningen. Runt omkring gapskrattade sadisterna lustfyllt medan slog mig mellan sig så hårt de kunde.

Man försover sig sällan igen efter ett sådant wake-up-call. Mamma var bekymrad över att jag fick sova alldeles för lite. Jag somnade sent, för jag var ju tvungen att vänta ut pappa för det mesta innan jag kunde gå på toa. Jag hade alltid ont i magen, (numer förstår jag att det var ångest och ren skräck.) Mamma visste att jag egentligen inte var någon morgonmänniska, ändå gjorde hon som jag bad och väckte mig vid 6-tiden varje morgon.

Men för att vara snäll lät hon ibland bli att väcka mig så tidigt, utan väntade till 7…

Det var fruktansvärt. Jag flög upp ur sängen helt vild av ångest. Jag visste vad som väntade om sadisterna hade hunnit till skolan innan jag hann in och uppför trappan. Jag åt inget, jag lät inte mamma fläta om mitt hår, jag slet till mig skolväskan och störtade iväg. Att jag hann fram först var en fråga om liv och död.

Ekonomiskt vanvett

Det var nog i fyran det märktes allt mer att min familj levde på fattigdomsgränsen. Det fanns helt enkelt inte pengar till mer än det allra nödvändigaste. Mamma kunde trolla med matpengarna, men ingen kunde göra av med inkomsterna lika snabbt som min pappa. Han drack inte, han spelade inte  fast båda rökte hemrullade cigaretter eller färdigrullade Ritz.

Min pappa var fullständigt hopplös närt det gällde ekonomi. Han var en drömmare som borde ha satts cheap authentic jerseys under förmyndare när det gällde pengar. Det drabbade min lojala mamma oerhört hårt. Det drabbade alla oss barn varje dag. Min pappa var en person som var älskad i alla läger. Av arbetskamrater, elever, grannar, bekanta och i princip alla människor han mötte tyckte om honom. Han var underhållande, generös (intill vanvett), dansant och en mycket bra organisatör.  En skicklig hantverkare.

Parallellt utnyttjade han varje människa han överhuvudtaget kunde låna pengar av utan åtskillnad. Han hade gjort samma sak hela livet, utan att ha de minsta onda avsikter. Pappa hade bara ”ont om slantar” och det var en konstant brist. Det här gjorde att hans egen släkt tog avstånd från honom. Efter pappas död pratade jag för första gången med hans bror Holger som var 12 år yngre. Jag hade aldrig träffat honom.  Holger sa i telefon: ”Vi blev helt enkelt tvungna att hålla oss ifrån honom för att inte dras in i hans ekonomiska vansinne. Jag hoppas vid Gud att ingen av er har ärvt han totala brist på ekonomiskt förstånd.” Jag hann aldrig träffa Holger som dog året efter.

Kalle och monsterlånet

Det fanns de som höll ut trots detta. Kalle på västkusten var en av dem. Egentligen var han en av min mammas vänner sedan de som 20- och 22-åringar hyrt rum av samma hyresvärdinna i Uppsala. Kalle läste vid universitetet och min mamma var föreståndare för två mjölkbarer. Kalle fick äta på kredit och deras vänskap varade livet ut. Trots att hon träffade och gifte sig med min pappa.

Kalle gifte sig också och fick en son. När Kalles lilla son var några år gammal arbetade båda föräldrarna som lärare. Kalle hade knappt 500 cheap oakley sunglasses kr i månadslön och hans fru Maj ännu mindre. Då fick min pappa extra dåligt med slantar. Kalle lånade honom 9 (NIO) månadslöner år 1959, pengar som Kalle naturligtvis aldrig såg skymten av igen. Pengarna hjälpte egentligen ingenting. Året efter gjorde pappa konkurs och vi förlorade allt vi ägde.

Under de kommande 30 åren berörde Kalle inte lånet med ett enda ord, trots att familjerna umgicks regelbundet. Han berättade historien för mig något år efter att min pappa dött. Och Kalle hade inte sagt något då heller, om jag inte fört saken på tal.

Jag hade själv lagt in ungefär hälften av min lön i pappas hushåll i åtminstone 13 år, från det jag började jobba som 18-åring tills han dog. (Mina syskon förstod aldrig varifrån deras kläder, mycket mat, lampor, gardiner, bildäck, hushållsmaskiner m.m. kom ifrån. De tror än idag att pappa betalade allt. ) Jag berättade alltså för Kalle precis som det hade varit och det var då han berättade sin egen lånehistoria. Med förbehållet att JAG absolut inte полиции skulle känna att jag var skyldig honom pengar.

Fattigdom

Under åren som kom fick jag höra fler historier om pappa och hans ständiga penningbrist. Men pappas stora charm gjorde att han klarade sig helskinnad varenda gång. Med åren blev Pappa något av expert på att hitta nya utvägar. Att aldrig betala förrän efter tredje påminnelsen var en självklarhet. Snabblånen hann att komma de sista åren av hans liv och slukade de sista örena av arvet.

Allt det här gjorde i alla fall att vi aldrig hade några pengar varken då jag växte upp eller åren efter. Vi barn samlade tomglas och sålde för att få godis. Än idag har jag blick för varenda tomburk och det händer aldrig att jag kastar en flaska med pant. Jag sålde jultidningar både i andra, tredje och fjärde klass. Jag fick en bok om fåglar i premie. Gäsp. Jag köpte mitt toalettbord med tillhörande stol. Och jag har kvar dem än.

Men det syntes och kändes att vi inte hade råd. Hela tiden. Jag minns exempelvis ingen julmat, utom fake oakleys risgrynsgröten som var god och skinkan och sillen som jag aldrig åt. Vi hade varken köttbullar, prinskorv eller någonting av allt det folk brukar ha. Jag älskade nötter, men en jul fanns det inte pengar så mamma undrade om vi kunde klara oss utan? Jag svarade ”Ja” men ångrade mig bittert när jag gick till familjen Melin och såg deras nötskål. Jag sa ”Mamma har glömt att köpa nötter…” Och den snälla tant Lillemor förstod precis. Hon fyllde en påse med nötter och gav mig. Julen var räddad.

Lillebror

Fattigdomen blev ännu en anledning att ge sig på oss. Min lillebror började skolan 1967, när det fortfarande var nästan sex månader kvar tills han skulle fylla sju. Mamma försökte få hans skolstart uppskjuten ett år, men det var viktigare att få fyllda klasser än elever som mådde bra på den tiden. Min lillebror fick ett helvete. Det fanns nämligen en taxichaufför som hade sex söner. Åtminstone två av dem var slagskämpar och mobbare. Man sa att de fick stryk hemma. Det tog de igen på andra barn. Ronny gick i klassen över min bror. Han var fet, stark och skoningslös. Det två åren med Ronny på samma skola har min bror burit med sig hela livet.

Men nu är det fortfarande bara hösten 1966 och jag går till skolan varje dag vid 06.45.

Hat

Varje dag hände något. Ibland var det mer. Filmförevisning i biblioteket. Alla stolar ställda i rader. Jag sitter i andra raden när jag  känner att någon nuddar min axel. Jag vänder mig om. Leif Bengtsson sitter bakom och blåser snus rakt in i mina ögon. Det svider som eld. Alla skrattar. Någon slår mig i ryggen som i förbigående. Dagens smäll utdelad. Alla mobbare har ett visst system. Svaghet triggar dem. Passivt motstånd väcker deras aggresivitet. Alla ska ha in minst ett slag på det feta äcklet varje dag.

Jag hatar dem. Maktlös, osynlig för alla utom för sadisterna genomlever jag mina dagar i fjärde klass.

Taler finnt

Men hemma väntar min lilla katt Måns. Mamma brukar ge honom mat och släppa in honom i mitt rum innan jag låser dörren igen. Kvällarna och nätterna tillbringar jag med  världslitteraturens stora klassiker, romaner från första halvan av 1900-talet och mängder av barn- och ungdomsböcker. Tillsammans med Måns, som är bara kärlek. Ingen kramar mig, ingen tröstar mig, ingen tycker om mig. Utom Måns. Jag kan fortfarande känna hans värme och tassar mot mitt bröst.

Mitt bokläsande ger mig stort ordförråd, långt utöver min ålder och framför allt mycket större ordförråd än alla jämnåriga. Ytterligare en anledning att hata mig. Jag bestämmer mig för att ALDRIG prata som mina skolkamrater.

”Du taler sä finnt” vräker de ur sig, dalbymålet den sista utposten mot omvärldens inflytande.

Jag gör allt för att finslipa mitt tal så att jag inte ska smittas av deras vidriga språk.

Jag lyckas ganska bra.

På minussidan ligger att jag får svårt att lära mig andra främmande språk, eftersom jag beslutat djupt i min själ att inte ta till mig andra dialekter.

Det tog de också ifrån mig, förutom min barndom.

 

 

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Tredje klass

Det blev allt svårare att leva, både i skolan och inte minst hemma. Tack vare mamma klarade jag mig från en skoldag till den andra, men jag hade ont i magen jämt. Vilket jag blev så van vid att det var först som vuxen jag förstod hur ont jag hade haft. Mamma tog mig till doktorn som utförde en förödmjukande undersökning och konstaterade att allt var bra. Jag hade svårt att röra mig, springa, eller att gå över ett golv.

Vad ingen visste var att jag egentligen var ganska vig, men att jag slutade att röra mig för att inte dra uppmärksamheten och mobbarnas blickar till mig. Mina muskler förkortades av alla slag och glåpord. Vuxna som mindes mig från min barndom berättade senare att de alltid hade uppfattat mig som sur. ”Du var lika sur jämt”.

Behärskad

Jag var inget charmfullt barn. Jag varken log eller grät eller pratade eller lekte när någon såg på. Jag utvecklade konsten att behärska mig oavsett vad som hände. Om jag glömde mig och drog lite på mungiporna var det alltid någon som la märke till det och vrålade till alla andra ”Se nu står det feta aset och flinar!” Jag kan se Per-Olof Olsson/Stenströms fräkniga ansikte med den vidöppna munnen framför mig. Och genast formerade sig angriparna och roade sig med att verbalt och fysiskt kränka mig så långt deras ordförråd och kreativitet räckte.

När vi diskuterade om vi skulle ha barn när vi blev stora kom frågan till mig. Jag sa att jag ville också ha barn när jag blev stor. Genast vände sig Roger mot mig och med ansiktet förvridet av förakt Cheap Jerseys väste han ”Vem i helvete skulle vilja knulla ett sådant förbannat äckel som du!?” Det var en av de anmärkningar som la grunden till mitt självhat och självförakt längre fram. Roger var själv mobbad och ville säkert knipa några pluspoäng hos dem högre upp i mobbinghierarkin, men att jag minns anmärkningen över 50 år senare kan ju vara en påminnelse om hur djupt man kan såra en annan människa på ett ögonblick. Idag är Roger gift och rektor så man kan konstatera att han själv fick sex och slipper bli mobbad som chef för hela skolan. Jag hoppas att Roger fick barn, för jag är säker på att han nog skulle vara en bra pappa trots allt. För när Roger inte var upptagen med att hata mig, såg och hörde jag hur trevlig han var mot andra. Roger hade så svårt med sin allergi med många sjukvårdsbesök, att han nog borde blivit lite ödmjuk. Och älskat sina barn, även om de inte blivit perfekta. Bosse blev Rogers allra bästa vän och de hängde ihop i alla väder. Det var tur för Roger att cheap football jerseys Bosse kom till klassen.

Kasperdockan

Fröken G avskydde mig verkligen. Det var ömsesidigt. Ingenting jag gjorde dög, oavsett vad det gällde. Sillpuddingskriget var en institution. Lika säkert som att jag skulle vägra sillpudding, lika säkert var det att fröken G skulle tvinga mig att sitta kvar i matsalen framför sillpuddingen tills bussen skulle gå. Våren -65 skulle vi göra kasperdockor till pjäsen på skolavslutningen. Häpnadsväckande nog fick jag tilldelat mig ”prinsessan”.

Vi blandade klister och pappersmassa till en deg och så formade vi huvuden som sattes att torka på en pappersstrut nedstucken i en flaska. Fröken G tog vägen förbi mig och bestämde att ”prinsessan” skulle ha knut. Alltså satte fröken fast en boll på mitt dockhuvud utan att diskutera saken med mig.  Hon satte på en boll till näsa också. Huvudet sattes att torka.

Veckan därpå var det dags att måla huvudena. Jag var inte så duktig, men fick hållas. (Stela, skräckslagna människor med ont i magen är inte så kreativa). Jag målade förstås håret med knuten gult och ansiktet skärt, med blå ögon och en röd mun. Prinsessan hade samma färger som jag. Ingen av oss var söt.

Veckan därpå skulle vi sy kläder. Jag som bara älskade djur, hade aldrig sytt dockkläder. Vi fick välja bland massor av tyglappar av alla slag. Jag valde ljusgul mjuk frotté. Frotté var nytt i mitten av 1960-talet. Jag sydde en mjuk klänning som min hand fick plats i. När det blev dags för pjäsen sydde fröken G en ny klänning i blått blankt tyg med en spets nertill. Så gjorde hon en krona och satte runt knuten. fake oakleys Fröken G var verkligen mycket bättre än jag på att göra kasperdockor. Jag tror att hon egentligen använde mig som ett alibi för att få göra prinsess-dockan helt själv. Clash Royale HackClash of Clans Hack

Mamma <3

Jag hatade matte (Tack vare min pappa och hans X-ekvation) Min mamma vars matte härstammade från 1930-talet kunde inte ställa upp ”rätt” men hon lärde sig. Sedan räknade hon ut mina tal efter att ha frågat ”Visst kan du det här?” och sedan skrev jag av hennes tal. Mamma räddade mitt liv, inte bara då utan gång på gång. Mamma gjorde inte som alla andra, hon var inte som någon annan. Och just därför räddade hon mig och fick mig att orka ännu en dag i helvetet.

Från det jag fyllt 8 ungefär kunde jag och min pappa inte längre vistas i samma rum, utan att jag sa eller gjorde något fel som fick honom att få ett vansinnesutbrott. Jag menar vredesutbrott som saknade all behärskning. Han gjorde mig skräckslagen. I många många år drömde jag mardrömmar om att människor i min närhet plötsligt förvandlades till livsfarliga odjur. Det är inte svårt att hitta källan till de mardrömmarna.

Det var nog hösten 1965 som jag fick en egen nyckel till mitt rum av mamma. Hon gav mig den och sa så här:

”Nu får du den här nyckeln. Den går till ditt rum. Du ska vara noga med att hålla reda på den. När pappa blir arg ska du SKYNDA dig in på ditt rum och LÅSA dörren. Du får INTE öppna dörren vad han än säger eller vad han än gör för då kommer han att SLÅ dig!”

– Kommer han att slå mig? frågade jag

”Ja, tro mig, Han kommer att slå dig. Om du bara visste hur många gånger jag gått emellan när han har försökt att ge dig stryk” sa mamma och suckade.

(Pappa kallade det tips ”juling”. Det kan nog vara norska.)

Starkare

Mamma räddade mitt liv många gånger.

Om mina lärare sett hur snabb jag kunde vara in på mitt rum så hade jag aldrig haft etta i gymnastik.

Det kunde gå veckor innan jag tillbringade tid med familjen. För det mesta hann jag få mat, men bäst av allt var de många kvällskurserna då pappa var kursledare och borta till 9-tiden på kvällen. replica oakleys Då kunde vi leva. När mina småsyskon somnat satt cheap jerseys jag och ritade medan mamma läste en bok. Jag var inte så bra men med mamma blev jag bättre.  Hon såg på mina teckningar och sa ”Du ska komma ihåg att vad andra än säger, så tycker jag alltid om dina teckningar. Jag kommer alltid tycka att du är väldigt duktig”. Eftersom mammas ord var det enda beröm jag  någonsin fick under hela min uppväxt, höll de mig uppe över ytan Wholesale NFL Jerseys så jag kunde dra ännu ett andetag för att överleva ännu en dag.

Minnet av mammas ord gjorde mig starkare då och ännu idag. Jag hade en gång en mamma och det har gjort hela hela skillnaden.

Nyckeln

Att ha en nyckel är också skillnad. I princip varenda dag inträffade något som drev min pappa från vettet och jag låste in mig. Sedan stod jag vid fönstret och lyssnade när han bultade på dörren och med mörk och hotfull röst försökte förmå mig att lyda.  ”ÖPPNA! ÖPPNA DÖRREN!” Han slog på dörren och jag stod vid fönstret beredd på att ta mig ut om dörren skulle gå sönder. Jag ställde alltid mina skor under fönstret så jag skulle ha något på fötterna om jag måste fly. Men dörren höll och jag slapp bli slagen.

Så småningom tröttnade han, men jag kunde ju inte gå ut ur rummet, för då satte bråket igång igen.. Värst var det att inte kunna gå på toaletten. Kissnödigheten höll mig vaken. När jag smög mig ut efter midnatt kunde jag kvalat in som inbrottstjuv. Jag är fortfarande väldigt bra på att ta mig fram tyst om det behövs. Jag är heller inte rädd för mörker. För mig är mörkret ett skydd.

Mot bakgrund av allt det här var det skönt när jag kunde inleda försäljning av jultidningar igen. Jag var ute varenda kväll, hur sent som helst.

Jag längtade aldrig hem.

”Those privileged to touch the lives of children
should constantly be aware that their impact on a single child
may affect a multitude of others a thousand years from now.”/okänd

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Andra klass – Jag börjar knacka dörr

Hösten 1964 började jag andra klass och det som redan var en prövning blev ännu värre. Vi fick en ny fröken. Den väna prästfrun ersattes av fröken G. Sillpuddingskriget togs till en ny nivå, så även mobbingen och utfrysningen. Då har vi ändå inte nämnt förnedringen i klassrummet som förfinades till perfektion under våra två år med fröken G.

Ted Larsson och Ulla Jönsson flyttade. Bosse Larsson och Roger Pedersen kom nya i klassen. Roger var mycket allergisk och bara det gjorde honom ovanlig. Jag hade aldrig hört talas om att vara allergisk förut. Stackars Roger fick 40 sprutor i ryggen för att de skulle se vad han var allergisk mot. Dagen efter satt Lasse på Rogers rygg där han låg och grät i en av rabatterna kring skolhuset. Lasse slog och slog med ett hånflin på läpparna. Vi andra stod runt omkring och såg på. Även jag, medan det gjorde ont i hela mig så synd tyckte jag om Roger. Men precis som alla andra gjorde jag ingenting. Jag var rätt lättad över att de hade någon annan att slå för en gångs skull.

Skvaller

Men mobbningen av Roger gick över. Det gjorde den inte när det gällde mig. Rast efter rast blev jag slagen och hånad. Ingen vuxen syntes till. Fröknarna tillbringade sina raster i lärarrummets värme och skydd. Alla elever var tvungna att gå ut.

En rast var det särskilt svårt och jag smet in i kapprummet. Mina mobbare vågade inte följa efter, så stor var respekten för lärarna. Jag vågade heller inte stanna i kapprummet utan lov, så jag knackade. Fröken G öppnade.

– Vad vill du?!

– Snälla fröken, kan jag få stanna inne? De slår mig så mycket om jag går ut…

Hon tittade på mig med djupt förakt och medan hon tuggade ut munnen sa hon:

– Kom inte här och skvallra!

Så stängde hon dörren.

Och jag vågade inte annat än gå ut. Mina mobbare väntade utanför porten och jublande kastade de sig över mig igen.

Det var en lång rast. När vi gick in igen hade de slitit sönder min mössa, dragit loss mina hårband, som ändå var stadigt inflätade i mina flätor och jag blödde från läppen.

Fröken G kastade inte en blick på mig när vi fick gå in i klassrummet. Jag minns inte cheap nfl jerseys om det var en sillpuddingsdag, för i så fall hände den här misshandeln på förmiddagen. Alla dagar med sillpudding tillbringade jag eftermiddagen i matsalen i väntan på att få åka hem med bussen.

Svarta tavlan

Jag kunde fortfarande inte läsa eller skriva alla bokstäver i alfabetet. Det var jag inte ensam om. Flera av pojkarna var sena med att skriva ordentligt. En av de övningar vi fick var att skriva samma bokstav i varannan ruta på ett helt ark papper. Vi satt i lugn och ro och skrev när fröken G slog ner som en ljungande blixt. Den här gången var hennes offer Mats. Hon slet åt sig han papper och visade upp det för hela klassen:

– Se här vad Mats har gjort istället för att skriva!!!!! Fröken G svepte med pappret runt omkring så alla kunde se.

– Vilken elak, dum och lat pojke du är!

Fröken G kastade pappret på bänken framför Mats.

– Nu skriver du ordentligt i alla rutor!

Mats satt slokörad kvar och försökte göra rätt.

Och vad hade Mats gjort för att hängas ut?

Han hade kanske tröttnat efter att ha skrivit halva pappret. Sedan hade han börjat rita en lite gubbe i de tre nästa rutorna. Det var allt.

Vi kallades fram för att skriva på svarta tavlan med jämna mellanrum. De mer duktiga flickorna fick mycket beröm. Dit hörde inte jag.

– Skriv ”över”!

Jag skrev ”ÖVÖR”.

– Fel! Gör om det igen!

Jag suddade ut och eftersom jag inte visste  vad som var fel skrev jag ”ÖVÖR” igen.

– Men SER du inte att det är FEL?! Gör om det igen!

Och jag gjorde om det igen.

Efter fyra nya felskrivningar krökte fröken G hånfullt på sina fylliga läppar och vände sig till klassen:

– Kan någon komma upp och visa henne hur det ska stavas?

Jag minns inte vilken flicka som fick chansen att briljera, men jag minns att det var rättstavat.

Jag fick gå ner och sätta mig igen.

Men varför jag inte kunde stava var det ingen som brydde sig om.

X – en gång och aldrig mer

Jag hatade inte räkning förrän min pappa skulle hjälpa mig med läxan och bestämde sig för att jag skulle lära mig att räkna med X. Första räkneläxan någonsin. Jag förstod ingenting. Men inte en enda gång mer fick han se skymten av mina läxor, aldrig mer i hela mitt liv. Jag hade hellre bränt upp både räkneböcker och alla andra läxböcker än att låta honom ”hjälpa” mig igen.

Han insats födde en livslång motvilja mot matematik, rättare sagt drabbades jag av det man nu för tiden kallar ”Matte-ångest”. Jag är hur snabb som helst när det gäller huvudräkning. Jag kan läsa ritningar, formler, recept, mått och omvandlingstabeller.., Kort sagt kan jag det mesta man behöver för att klara sig, inte minst efter tio år på laboratorium.  Men jag hatar matte ändå.

Familjens ekonomi balanserade som alltid mellan fattigdom och ruin hösten 1964. Det var mot den bakgrunden mamma insåg att jag behövde tjäna egna pengar.

– Det skulle vara bra om du kunde få lite pengar. Vill du sälja jultidningar? frågade mamma.

Jag som fortfarande inte kunde läsa hade inga begrepp om vad det innebar. Men sa ja, som så ofta i mitt liv när jag inte haft en aning.

Jag var ju redan självständig och modig. Så varför oakley outlet inte självförsörjande också?

Så mamma ringde Åhlén & Åkerlunds förlag. Jag fick dispens som åttaåring för att sälja jultidningar.

– Egentligen måste man vara 10 år, men jag sa att du är ovanligt duktig för din ålder, förklarade mamma uppfordrande.

Ja, vem kunde protestera mot det omdömet?

Knacka dörr

Så jag tog mina kataloger och började knacka dörr. Vi bodde ganska långt jordan sale söderut i Sysslebäck. Jag gick efter stora vägen i timmar varje kväll. Först åt ena hållet. Från Kvistberget och fram till vägen mot Vindängsjön. Det låg bondgårdar och gamla hus efter hela vägen. Jag passerade Mogrens Järnhandel, Konsum i gula huset med torn på vänster sida och sedan Larssons handel på höger sida, hela vägen fram till stora backen där vägen till Vindängsjön gick in. Sedan tillbaka igen.

Det var ungefär 4 km fram och tillbaka mellan Kvistberget och vägen till Vindängsjön. Åt andra hållet var det närmare 7.8 km enkel väg till andra sidan Klarabro. Alltså nästan 16 km fram och tillbaka hem. Det var långt.

Jag gick inte hela sträckan på en kväll, utan delade upp den i mindre bitar. Jag gick och knackade i alla hus på ena sidan och tillbaka knackade jag på resten av husen. Ofta var de en bit in från vägen och jag gick till alla.

Det var mest gamla bondgårdar och äldre hus söderöver. Där det numer är igenväxt eller nya villor var det öppna ängar nästan överallt. Norröver var det mer tätbefolkat. Min rutt gick genom centrum och utefter stora vägen, förbi Folkets Park och vidare mot Skyllbäck. Jag gick så länge det fanns hus att knacka på.

Det tog tid att gå och det var mörkt. Men jag hade reflexer och uthållighet. oakley outlet Ofta var klockan närmare 22 när jag var hemma igen. Kväll efter kväll.

När jultidningarna kom delade mamma upp dem efter beställningarna. Sedan slog hon in varje beställning i brunt omslagspapper, skrev namn och adress på varje paket och vad de skulle betala. Hon skrev med olika pennor och färger, varierade skrivstil eller tryckbokstäver. Sedan fick jag lära mig alltsammans utantill, för jag kunde ju inte läsa. Men räkna pengar lärde jag mig tidigt.

Så här ser det ut 2015:

Här vände jag vid vägen till Vindängsjön och gick hemåt igen. Det var fortfarande vänstertrafik så jag gick och knackade på höger sidan hem.

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I det vita huset låg Larssons Handel. När jag var liten var huset grått, dörren var på mitten med två stora skyltfönster på båda sidor om dörren.

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Här rakt fram låg Mogrens järnhandel och till vänster, ungefär där bilen är parkerad bakom ”Fiske”-skylten oakley outlet låg Sol-kiosken. Till höger om affären skymtar gaveln på Nedergårdens uthus, där jag fick se skinnen av killingarna.
Jag gick alltså till Sol-kiosken längs foten av kullen där Cottage de gamla magasinshusen låg när jag skulle köpa cigaretter till mamma. Det röda huset på kullen kan vara Frälsningsarméns f.d. samlingslokal ”Klippan”. Det gula huset ligger där de röda stora magasinshusen började.

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Det tog tre år innan jag hade sparat ihop till mina första egna möbler. Jag hade 12 öre per krona i provision. I januari 1967 köpte jag ett toalettbord med tillhörande blommig stol för 425 kr. Som jämförelse ska nämnas att man fick en trea för samma hyra per månad i en halvstor stad. Det var en enorm summa pengar för en tioåring.

Jag har både stolen och toalettbordet kvar.

 

 

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Sillpuddingen och rasterna

Min bänk var placerad allra längst ner i klassrummet, som en liten ö för sig själv. Det blev en del flyttande innan alla fått rätt höjd på sina bänkar. Det fanns lite olika höjder att välja på.

Anita var längst av alla. Hon hade rött hår och en blåtira första skoldagen. Inggun var kort med blonda lockar som slutade i öronhöjd. Ylva hade axellångt cendre hår med mittbena. Ulla var blek, blond smal och späd. Eva var lite mörkare och hade glasögon. Karin var smal, smidig och mycket söt.

Lasse var lång, blond, bleka ögon och snaggad. Mats var rätt liten, med ljust hår och vattenkammad hellugg. Bosse P hade en blå bag som skolväska, han var kortklippt med lockig lugg och vänliga mellanblå ögon. Ted hade oakley outlet ett gammalt utseende redan som barn, blå ögon och vita ögonfransar. Stig var blond och hade glasögon med kraftiga svarta bågar. Olle var liten och tjock, med mörkt hår och massor av fräknar. Han hade nära till skolan, bodde i backen mellan busshållplatsen och skolan.

Fet och klumpig

Så var det jag, med mina ljusa flätor och lite tjock. När jag började skolan var jag 131 cm lång och vägde 31 kg. Jag kunde varken skriva mitt namn eller äta med kniv och gaffel. Vi hade ingen TV men radio när jag var 7 år. Min vänstra fot vred sig utåt, jag hade svårt att springa och dålig balans. Jag var inte van Fake Oakleys att umgås i grupp eller med okända människor. Vår fröken var 27 år och prästfru med två små pojkar.  Jag minns inte alls vad hon hette.

Osäkert såg jag mig omkring där jag satt i min bänk.

Kvällen innan hade mamma sagt så här:

– De sa att mammorna kunde få följa med första dagen om de ville. Men jag tänker inte följa med dig. Du kommer ju ändå att få gå till skolan ensam i fortsättningen, så det är väl ingen idé att jag följer med dig i morgon heller. Du klarar dig!

Alla andra hade med sig någon. De flesta hade sina mammor och någon enda hade sin mormor.  Alla ropades upp och skulle svara ordentligt med sitt namn. Fröken noterade i sin bok.

Just nu sviker mig minnet. För det jag minns är att vi fick klä av oss i bara underkläderna för att vägas och mätas. Men det kan väl inte ha varit så vansinnigt att det skedde första dagen? Men var det inte allra första dagen, så ägde det rum bara några dagar senare.

Fortfarande tacksam

Mammorna skulle följa med igen, alltså alla andras.  Vi fick klä av oss i linne och underbyxor/kalsonger, stående bredvid bänkarna i klassrummet. Så vägdes vi och mättes. Kanske hade vi med oss en burk med urinprov hemifrån. När vi var klara skulle vi klä på oss. Och det var då alla mammorna såg att jag inte visste hur man gjorde. Jag hade inte klätt på mig en enda gång i hela mitt liv.

Mamma hade inte tid och wholesale nfl jerseys tålamod att vänta på att jag äntligen skulle bli klar, så hon klädde på mig som en swisch. Jag bara stod där och kläderna flög på mig, utan jag visste ens hur det hände, så snabb var hon. Nu stod jag där i klassrummet, utan att ens veta i vilken ordning kläderna skulle sättas på. Men Ullas mamma stod inte bara och tittade. Hon hjälpte mig och jag är faktiskt tacksam än idag. Hade det inte varit för henne hade jag fått stå där med skammen. Det var hemskt nog ändå.

Mamma fortsatte swischa på mig kläderna varenda morgon tills jag gick i trean.  Sedan flätade hon mitt hår, medan jag drack choklad och lyssnade på ”Småbarnskvarten” på radion.

Vackert skolhus

Hade det inte varit så ångestframkallande att plötsligt hamna i skolan så kunde jag ha sett att det var ett vackert hus med klassrum i vardera änden. I mitten låg lärarbostaden, med blåsippor i rabatten.  Gaveln där mitt och treans klassrum låg var närmast backen. Mitt emot skolporten fanns en röd länga med förråd och i källaren låg skoltoaletterna. Träsitsar som täckte bara den del av porslinet och en kedja med spoltank ovanför.

Trädgården som låg på andra sidan av den stora grusplanen och baksidan på skolan tillhörde lärarfamiljen som bodde i huset. Vi skolbarn fick inte vara där alls. Men jag minns att Ulla fick specialtillåtelse att springa på baksidan ett par dagar, efter att hon varit hemma med magsjuka. Fröken förklarade för hela klassen ray bans ale varför och la till att det bara var Ulla som fick gå på baksidan och att ingen fick reta henne om hon skulle få ont i magen.

Så började rasterna. Alla måste gå ut. Jag stod i ett hörn högst upp på trappan bredvid dörren och väntade på att rasten skulle ta slut. Omkring mig var ett vacuum. Men strax intill formerades grupperna. De såg på Film mig och viskade.

IMG_7088

 

Här är trappan, men den såg inte så idyllisk ut som på bilden. Den saknade tak och hade metallräcken.

Jag tror att jag fick vara ifred första rasten. Mitt på dagen marscherade vi längs framsidan av skolan bort till andra gaveln där matsalen låg. Där fanns den mycket snälla tant Ellen som lagade mat och bredde smörgåsar.

Jag hade aldrig druckit ur en rostfri mugg förut, men nu var det vad som fanns. Mjölken kändes extra kall och det var härligt. Vad som var mindre härligt var skolmaten. Och värst av allt var sillpuddingen. Urvattnade sillfiléer varvade med skivad potatis i en långpanna. Det blev pudding då man hällde över äggvita, som kallades äggstanning. Så skjuts in i ugnen och ut igen för att serveras till småbarn mellan 7-9 år.

Sillpuddingen

Efter en enda liten tugga bestämde mig för att aldrig äta sillpudding mer i hela mitt liv. Och hade jag inte varit så liten hade det varit en sak för FN:s säkerhetsråd. Eller deportering till Sibiriens arbetsläger. Eller tigerburarna i Vietnam. Men eftersom det var frågan om en sjuåring wholesale nfl jerseys i en liten småskola i Finnskoga -Dalby rektorsområde så lyftes det bara till rektorsnivå. Och det hamnade på rektorsnivå för att denna svaga man med titeln rektor hade makt över min pappa.

Rektorn hade ett allvarssamtal med min pappa, som kom hem till middagen och berättade att rektorn hälsade till mig. Rektorn hade förståelse för att alla barn inte tyckte om all mat men genom att jag så ihärdigt vägrade äta sillpudding så var jag ett dåligt föredöme för de övriga barnen. Underförstått, de som inte hade lyckan Cheap Football Jerseys att vara barn till lärare och andra högtstående varelser inom hans befogenhetsområde.

Vi såg på varandra mina föräldrar och jag.

fake oakleys Äggstanning är ingen mat för barn, sa mamma.

Och så var det inget mer med det. Och trots att det innebar problem för min pappa på jobbet att jag trotsade rektorns order så var vi eniga i alla tysthet. Och jag har än i denna dag aldrig mer ätit sillpudding.

Aldrig mer

Det innebar också att jag tillbringade flera timmar  matsalen varje gång det var sillpudding. Jag fick inte lämna matsalen om jag inte åt upp maten. Men den som klarat skogen, älven och bergen, för att inte tala om mörkret, alldeles ensam viker sig inte så lätt. Jag satt framför den dallrande sillpuddingen tills läraren måste släppa iväg mig för att jag skulle hinna med bussen vid 15-16 tiden. I tre år.

Och den enda effekt rektorns ingripande hade på mig var att jag förlorade all respekt för auktoriteter, för resten av mitt liv. Men vägran att äta all skolmat var ytterligare något som skilde ut mig från de andra.

Varje dag fick jag höra att jag var ful, tjock och motbjudande. Mamma stickade fantastiska tröjor med norskt mönster. Hon stickade både vantar och mössor. Som slets sönder av mobben. Jag knuffades in i väggar, dörrar och bänkar. Jag fick aldrig ens bara vara ensam, utan kommentarer och angrepp. Jag var fritt villebråd för hela skolan, utom flickorna i min egen klass och en eller annan pojke. Men de som inte mobbade vågade varken ingripa, försvara mig eller ens stå kvar när plågoandrarna närmade sig.

Självförsvar

Mamma, som själv kom från ett hem där hon fick stryk och var ”retad” i skolan försökte lära mig att slåss. På riktigt. Hon visade mig hur man skulle slå för att det skulle göra throwback nba jerseys så ont som möjligt och samtidigt inte synas efteråt.

– Använd armbågen, det tar bra. Om du håller med ena handen så här och hjälper till så blir du stark, förklarade mamma när hon skulle lära mig självförsvar.

– Jag KAN inte , sa jag alldeles förtvivlad.

– Varför kan du inte? frågade mamma.

– Jag kan inte slå tillbaka, för jag vet ju hur ont det gör! svarade jag och grät över min bristande försvarsinstinkt.

Mamma tyckte jag var hopplös. Jag tyckte hon hade rätt. Men bara tanken på hårda armbågar in i mjukt kött gjorde mig illamående.

Men de här tre åren var bara en uppvärmning.

På bilden är jag ungefär 7 år. Det är den enda färgbild som finns av mig under hela min barndom. Det är sommaren 1964.  Bakom mig har jag ett skolår där hela mitt självförtroende utplånas bit för bit. Men ännu hatar jag inte mig själv så mycket som längre fram.

 

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‘Bleed for This’ is great movie tell story about The inspirational story of World Champion Boxer Vinny Pazienza, who after a near fatal car crash, which left him not knowing if he’d ever walk again, made one of sports most incredible comebacks. This film have genre Drama and have 116 minutes runtime.

Cast
Christine Evangelista as Ashley, Miles Teller as Vinny Pazienza, Ciarán Hinds as Angelo Pazienza, Ted Levine as Lou Duva, Katey Sagal as Louise Pazienza, Aaron Eckhart as Kevin Rooney.

Production
The Director of this film is Ben Younger. The movie Bleed for This is produced by Verdi Productions, Sikelia Productions, Bruce Cohen Productions, Younger Than You and released in November 04, 2016

Similar Movie
Bleed for This have some similar movie, Million Dollar Baby, Unbroken, Creed, Rocky, Eddie the Eagle, Raging Bull

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Best mother ever?

En baby kidnappas från BB tre dagar efter födseln. 17 år senare återfinns hon, efter att en lillasyster har mött henne i skolan. Hennes biologiska mamma, som i alla dessa år har sörjt, saknat och letat efter sin försvinna dotter säger att hon vill tacka kvinnan som tog hennes barn. För hon har uppfostrat dottern så bra, att hon är lika vacker inifrån och ut.

http://fb-173.sfglobe.com/2015/03/09/newborn-baby-kidnapped-from-hospital-17-years-ago-is-reunited-with-family/?src=fbfan_36856

Det får mig att tänka på de kvinnor som födde mina barn. Vad hade de tyckt om alltsammans? Har jag tagit hand om döttrarna tillräckligt bra för att kunna stå till svars, om deras döda mamma skulle stå framför mig? Fick de den familj hon hade önskat dem eller hade barnen haft det hockey jerseys bättre någon annanstans? Och flickan som gav liv åt min son. Hon gick vidare i livet. Jag undrar hur ofta hon tänker på honom, i hemlighet.

Kärlek

Det är lätt att säga att vilket barn som helst har det bättre i en familj där föräldrarna älskar varandra. Men det svåra är att inse att det inte är sant. Det finns familjer där de vuxna är så uppslukade av varandra att barnen får stå tillbaka. Att de vuxna först och främst ser till att den andra vuxna mår bra. Barnen i en sådan familj blir lärda att inte oroa mamma eller pappa, på uppmaning av den andra föräldern.

Barn har det bäst i en familj där barnen och deras behov sätt främst. Där de vuxna kan låta sina egna behov stå i bakgrunden, medan de tar hand om barnen. Det är lätt att påstå att jobbet är så viktigt och att man arbetar för familjens skull. Att det är så viktigt att man är på sin arbetsplats, att man aldrig kan ta föräldraledigt. Men barn bryr sig inte om din karriär, de bryr sig om att du ger dem tid.

Att ge barnen allt de pekar på, som den kan som aldrig sätter barnen främst, är den största otjänst man kan göra sina barn. När de växande barnen inser att lojalitet, tillgivenhet och kärlek kan säljas för pengar och presenter är de inte längre dina barn. De är säljare av en vara till högstbjudande. Så länge du betalar stannar de kvar. Och tiden går medan kraven växer och barnens hjärtan förvandlas till sten. De behöver inte ens duka av sin egen tallrik efter maten, de får allt de behöver ändå.

Pengar är allt?

Barnen kom till ett samhälle där karriär och pengar är ett mått på människors värde. Och de lärde sig snabbt att anamma omgivningens normer, eftersom det ger många bonuspoäng att passa in. Här stannar man inte hemma i onödan och tar hand om barnen. För att mamma ska få behålla jobbet sätts de flesta barn i förskola strax efter ettårsdagen. Den som är föräldraledig länge står utanför arbetsmarknaden och räknas bort både som person och yrkesmässigt.

Alla tre barnen började förskolan runt treårsdagen eller senare. Det var bra för dem. De hann landa i det nya livet, slapp många sjukdomar och var redo den dag de började dagis. Att leva sina första år i total fattigdom, svält och utanförskap sätter djupa spår. Distansen till främlingar Cheap NFL Jerseys finns inte kvar när man dagligen har överlevt genom att behaga andra. Besvikelsen över att världens bästa familj gick i kras förändrar verkligheten för alltid.  Det är lättare att byta liv som bebis. Man får mer tid, lägre förväntningar och har en hel krets av vuxna och syskon som gör allt för den som är ensam, liten och ny. Att vara sex år yngre än närmaste syskon är att födas som ensambarn.

Slutet

Det kom en dag då allt tog slut. Då likgiltigheten, egoismen och omogenheten hade gått så långt att allt var över. Inte ens för barnens skull fanns möjligheten att spela med i den stora farsen om den lyckliga familjen. Jag undrar vad de kvinnor som födde mina barn hade sagt om de kunnat tala. För jag vet vad de hade gjort. Ingenting. Där mina barn är födda finns inte skilsmässa på kartan, man dödar regelbundet mammor, unga fruar, kvinnor i alla åldrar som inte uppfyller kraven från släkten. Där hade jag varit död i samma stund jag börjat berätta. Här nöjde man sig med att starta en häxprocess, där man drog in barnen på ett sätt som skadade dem för alltid.

När ett helt brukssamhälle går samman för att skydda de sina då ger det effekt, det måste man erkänna. Överallt fanns de kontakter som behövdes för att ödelägga livet.

Istället för att polisanmäla flyttade jag med barnen. Att inte gå till läkare för dokumentation av skadorna och polisanmäla misshandeln är mitt livs största misstag. Alla kategorier.

Hånet

Han vet att han klarade sig undan på grund av att jag inte gick till polisen. Trots alla de år som gått hånar han mig fortfarande för att han kom undan. Han uppmanar mig att gå till polisen ”så får du se om cheap oakleys du blir trodd” Han förnekar med hög röst (för att barnen Fake Oakleys ska höra) ”DET HAR ALDRIG HÄNT” precis som han förnekade det i både tingsrätt och hovrätt under ed. Men när ingen hör viskar han ”Jag lyfte dig aldrig, du gick baklänges till soffan” alltså samma soffa där han försökte kväva mig. Där jag räddades av döttrarnas uppvaknande i sista stund. Den natten vakade jag vid datorn och letade rätt på ett hus för att fly med barnen. Istället för att åka till akuten och polisen. Det var mitt livs misstag.

I flera dagar satt jag framför datorn, ibland i sällskap med de äldsta barnen. För att försöka hitta en läkare som skulle behandla mig utan att polisanmäla misshandeln. För i min enfald visste jag inte att läkare inte har anmälningsplikt. cheap jerseys I min enfald tänkte jag att att det var viktigast att inte polisen hämtade pappa för att han var den enda som hade fast jobb. Jag hade bara timanställning, så jag valde att fly istället för att polisanmäla honom. Och jag var tvungen att rädda barnen så han inte skulle döda dem under något av sina utbrott. Därför letade jag efter en läkare istället för att ringa polisen. Därför satt jag framför datorn medan klar vätska rann ut mina öron. De var sönderpressade mot mitt huvud, medan han la sina händer runt min skalle och lyfte rakt upp. Jag tappade massor av hår den veckan. Smärtorna i det krossade brosket fanns kvar i nästan sex år efter misshandeln. Men eftersom jag inte gick till polisen gick han fri.

Inte nummer 187

Kvinnorna som födde mina barn skulle nicka igenkännande. Våldsamma äktenskap är inget ovanligt varken där eller här, en hel del slutar med döden. Vid den här tiden var Aftonbladets räkneverk uppe i 186 kvinnor som dödats av sina män under 2000-talet. Jag bestämde mig för att inte riskera att bli det 187:e.

http://dodadekvinnor.aftonbladet.se/2013/06/elva-nya-fall-nu-ar-de-212/

Därför flyttade jag 50 mil. Jag förlorade vårdnaden om mina barn för ingen trodde mig när jag äntligen berättade. Flytten betraktades av tingsrätten som om jag satte mina egna intressen framför barnens. Jag avslutade hela mitt liv, både släkt, syskon, vänner, fake oakleys bekanta, jobb. Jag började ett nytt liv, som sällan var lätt men äntligen var jag fri att tala, tänka, leva utan att nedvärderas, kommenteras och kontrolleras av en översittare i världsklass. Barnen dömdes till förvaring i draknästet, och fick växa upp omgivna av människor som hatar mig, förtalar mig och griper varje tillfälle till att skada mig. Hur barnen påverkades av att växa upp i våldet som fortsatte, mutade till tystnad med pengar och presenter efter varje utbrott det vet bara framtiden.

Inte död

Skulle de kvinnor som fött mina barn dömt mig som fredlös eller hade de förstått att en levande mamma är bättre än en död? Även om hon är fattig, hatad och utstött?

Efter tre år stämde jag pappan och återfick gemensam vårdnad om de två yngsta som ännu inte var vuxna. Jag var min egen advokat.

Jag är inte helt säker på att de kvinnor som födde mina barn skulle tacka mig för att jag uppfostrat deras barn till bra människor.

Men jag gjorde så gott jag kunde.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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