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Och så kom sommaren 1967…

Sommaren i Gillberga förflöt ganska lugnt. Min lillasyster hade hunnit bli 2 år. Min lillebror var 6,5 och jag själv skulle fylla 11 år i september.

Nästan varje kväll gick vi och hämtade mjölk på Framgårn’, bondgården som låg närmast badplatsen nere vid sjön. I ladugården huserade arrendatorerna Sven och Svea, där de handmjölkade sina 6-7 kor varje kväll.

Själva gården ägdes av en gammal ensam dam med en tragisk familjehistoria. Familjen Halvordsen hade ett enda barn, en älskad son som dött alldeles för ung. Jag fick alla Rickards barn- och ungdomsböcker, en ofattbar skatt av Biggles, Bill-böcker och annan uppbygglig litteratur, märkta från förlaget som ”pojkböcker”.

Bill och Hitler 

Jag älskade dem. Var skulle hockey jerseys jag annars fått all min kunskap om skoluniformer, engelsk medelklass, en värld befolkad av husor, kokerskor och chaufförer? I en av de tidiga Bill-böckerna bestämmer sig Bill och hans gäng för att bilda en förening ”som i Tyskland”. Bill har läst om Hitler och hans framgångar under första delen av 1930-talet och tycker det verkar vara en kul idé. Bill och hans tre kompisar skaffar bruna skjortor och marscherar runt på gatorna i sin lilla engelska stad. De vuxna som ser dem skakar bara på huvudet.

Bill-böckerna skrevs av Richmal Crompton och började ges ut i Storbritannien redan på 1920-talet. De är fulla av fördomar, sanslösa uttalanden och många icke-politiskt-korrekta handlingar.  Med andra ord väldigt intressanta. Jag är glad att jag fick läsa dem utan censur. Precis som Fem-böckerna och annat spännande elände, innan de rättfärdiga slog till och censurerade dem i senare upplagor. Sanningen är ju den att varenda fördom finns kvar, man döljer dem bara bättre nu för tiden.

Utan hämningar

Sven och Svea var ett strävsamt par som varit gifta i evinnerliga tider. Båda var till åren komna och hörde inte så bra längre. Sven sa inte så mycket. Men Svea var desto mer verbal. Och högljudd. Och helt utan civilisationens hämningar, vilket var ganska udda för en bondhustru <a 26. href=”https://www.cheapnfljerseys1.com/” target=”_blank”>hockey jerseys född på 1800-talet.

Själv förstod jag inte alls vad Svea pratade om, men mina föräldrar glömde aldrig den kväll när Svea berättade att hon köpt en massagestav på postorder. Det här var sommaren 1967 och authentic nfl jerseys ordet dildo var ännu inte uppfunnet.

För ovanlighetens skull hade vi tagit bilen för att hämta mjölken. Vi skulle just åka hem och stod samlade vid bilen. Sven på förarsidan vid pappa och Svea på den andra sidan vid mamma, med oss barn runt omkring.

–  NU HAR JAG KÖPT MIG EN SÅN DÄR MASSAGESTAV, vrålade Svea så det ekade mellan uthusen.

Mamma nickade avvaktande, men log vänligt.

– Jaha….

Jag stod tyst bredvid och väntade på fortsättningen..

– JAG SKICKADE EFTER EN MED POSTEN! förklarade Svea.

Samtalet mellan pappa och Sven hade liksom avstannat.

– SVEN ÄR HELT ODUGLIG I SÄNGEN! OCH DET HAR HAN VART LÄNGE! förklarade Svea.

Det fanns inte mycket mer att säga. Vi tackade för oss och for hem.

Men pappa sa efteråt att han kände hur han rodnat ända upp i hårbotten.

Valparna

Det underbaraste på hela sommaren var valparna i Lillspeke. På en liten gård en bit bort efter sjön hade erstmal de uppfödning av strävhåriga taxvalpar. Mamma kände förstås människor i varenda hus, det var hennes barndomstrakter, så en dag åkte vi in och hälsade på. De väntade valpar vilken dag som helst. Mamma berättade att jag älskade djur. ”Du får komma hit när du vill och hälsa på valparna” sa Elin, som var mamma i huset. Jag kunde nästan inte andas av ren lycka.

Så kom äntligen dagen då valparna föddes. Fem små doftande valpar låg och diade sin stolta mamma Snuttan. Jag hade aldrig sett så små hundar förut. Jag satte mig försiktigt på golvet och blev kvar där i en timme.

Valparnas lugna diande, den snälla tiken och att jag fick vara ifred med dem kändes fantastiskt. Jag var där nästan varje dag hela sommaren. Jag satt på marken i hundgården och hade valparna i knäet, de kröp och kravlade överallt. jag såg dem växa dag för dag. När de började bita mig som valpar gör, gjorde det ingenting. Jag lät dem. Det var först när de började bli starkare och bet stenhårt som cheap oakleys jag flyttade upp på hundkojans tak. Där tog jag små pauser från deras tänder, men var ändå lycklig.

Gottfrid frågade mina föräldrar  vi inte ville köpa en av valparna, de kostade 300 kronor. Men vi skulle inte ha en jakthund sa pappa. Och jag förstod. Dessutom hade vi Måns.

 

 

 

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På Öland satt mamman och tigern i trädgården. Solen sjönk sakta i havet.

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Och mycket riktigt. I skuggan Cheap NFL Jerseys China av träden skymtade en figur. Han var lång, smal och drog på en stor röd resväska.

Tigern kisade mot ljuset.

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Mamman sa ingenting.

Den unge mannen hade hunnit fram till trädgården.

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Mamman strök över hans armar och la sitt ansikte mot hans lena kind. Hon blundade och kände hans doft.

Och tusen år av förtvivlan svävade bort i kvällsbrisen.

Pojken var äntligen hemma.

 

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Sedan inväntade jag de andra barnen som en efter en anlände till skolan, ungefär en timme senare. Jag hörde stora hallen nere fyllas av eleverna i klass fem och sex. Mina egna klasskamrater var de enda som kom upp för trappan och det var svaret på varför jag bad mamma väcka mig senast 6.15 varje morgon.

Visserligen fick jag glåpord slängda i ansiktet direkt varje morgon, men för de mesta fick jag vara fysiskt ifred om inte någon var på särskilt dåligt humör och tog ut det på mig med knuffar och slag. Killarna hade växt till sig över sommaren, det kände jag på hårdheten i deras pojknävar.

Gatlopp

Men det var ändå ingenting mot det gatlopp som väntade mig om jag försov mig och kom till skolan samma tid som alla andra. I stora hallen nere väntade sadisterna på nästa färska offer. Och det var alltid jag. Leif Bengtsson minns jag speciellt för hans djupa hårda slag i ryggen. Han stank svett och hat när han ivrigt påhejad av resten av mobben slog så mycket han orkade. Jag stängde av och kämpade mig fram mot trappan till övervåningen. Runt omkring gapskrattade sadisterna lustfyllt medan slog mig mellan sig så hårt de kunde.

Man försover sig sällan igen efter ett sådant wake-up-call. Mamma var bekymrad över att jag fick sova alldeles för lite. Jag somnade sent, för jag var ju tvungen att vänta ut pappa för det mesta innan jag kunde gå på toa. Jag hade alltid ont i magen, (numer förstår jag att det var ångest och ren skräck.) Mamma visste att jag egentligen inte var någon morgonmänniska, ändå gjorde hon som jag bad och väckte mig vid 6-tiden varje morgon.

Men för att vara snäll lät hon ibland bli att väcka mig så tidigt, utan väntade till 7…

Det var fruktansvärt. Jag flög upp ur sängen helt vild av ångest. Jag visste vad som väntade om sadisterna hade hunnit till skolan innan jag hann in och uppför trappan. Jag åt inget, jag lät inte mamma fläta om mitt hår, jag slet till mig skolväskan och störtade iväg. Att jag hann fram först var en fråga om liv och död.

Ekonomiskt vanvett

Det var nog i fyran det märktes allt mer att min familj levde på fattigdomsgränsen. Det fanns helt enkelt inte pengar till mer än det allra nödvändigaste. Mamma kunde trolla med matpengarna, men ingen kunde göra av med inkomsterna lika snabbt som min pappa. Han drack inte, han spelade inte  fast båda rökte hemrullade cigaretter eller färdigrullade Ritz.

Min pappa var fullständigt hopplös närt det gällde ekonomi. Han var en drömmare som borde ha satts cheap authentic jerseys under förmyndare när det gällde pengar. Det drabbade min lojala mamma oerhört hårt. Det drabbade alla oss barn varje dag. Min pappa var en person som var älskad i alla läger. Av arbetskamrater, elever, grannar, bekanta och i princip alla människor han mötte tyckte om honom. Han var underhållande, generös (intill vanvett), dansant och en mycket bra organisatör.  En skicklig hantverkare.

Parallellt utnyttjade han varje människa han överhuvudtaget kunde låna pengar av utan åtskillnad. Han hade gjort samma sak hela livet, utan att ha de minsta onda avsikter. Pappa hade bara ”ont om slantar” och det var en konstant brist. Det här gjorde att hans egen släkt tog avstånd från honom. Efter pappas död pratade jag för första gången med hans bror Holger som var 12 år yngre. Jag hade aldrig träffat honom.  Holger sa i telefon: ”Vi blev helt enkelt tvungna att hålla oss ifrån honom för att inte dras in i hans ekonomiska vansinne. Jag hoppas vid Gud att ingen av er har ärvt han totala brist på ekonomiskt förstånd.” Jag hann aldrig träffa Holger som dog året efter.

Kalle och monsterlånet

Det fanns de som höll ut trots detta. Kalle på västkusten var en av dem. Egentligen var han en av min mammas vänner sedan de som 20- och 22-åringar hyrt rum av samma hyresvärdinna i Uppsala. Kalle läste vid universitetet och min mamma var föreståndare för två mjölkbarer. Kalle fick äta på kredit och deras vänskap varade livet ut. Trots att hon träffade och gifte sig med min pappa.

Kalle gifte sig också och fick en son. När Kalles lilla son var några år gammal arbetade båda föräldrarna som lärare. Kalle hade knappt 500 cheap oakley sunglasses kr i månadslön och hans fru Maj ännu mindre. Då fick min pappa extra dåligt med slantar. Kalle lånade honom 9 (NIO) månadslöner år 1959, pengar som Kalle naturligtvis aldrig såg skymten av igen. Pengarna hjälpte egentligen ingenting. Året efter gjorde pappa konkurs och vi förlorade allt vi ägde.

Under de kommande 30 åren berörde Kalle inte lånet med ett enda ord, trots att familjerna umgicks regelbundet. Han berättade historien för mig något år efter att min pappa dött. Och Kalle hade inte sagt något då heller, om jag inte fört saken på tal.

Jag hade själv lagt in ungefär hälften av min lön i pappas hushåll i åtminstone 13 år, från det jag började jobba som 18-åring tills han dog. (Mina syskon förstod aldrig varifrån deras kläder, mycket mat, lampor, gardiner, bildäck, hushållsmaskiner m.m. kom ifrån. De tror än idag att pappa betalade allt. ) Jag berättade alltså för Kalle precis som det hade varit och det var då han berättade sin egen lånehistoria. Med förbehållet att JAG absolut inte полиции skulle känna att jag var skyldig honom pengar.

Fattigdom

Under åren som kom fick jag höra fler historier om pappa och hans ständiga penningbrist. Men pappas stora charm gjorde att han klarade sig helskinnad varenda gång. Med åren blev Pappa något av expert på att hitta nya utvägar. Att aldrig betala förrän efter tredje påminnelsen var en självklarhet. Snabblånen hann att komma de sista åren av hans liv och slukade de sista örena av arvet.

Allt det här gjorde i alla fall att vi aldrig hade några pengar varken då jag växte upp eller åren efter. Vi barn samlade tomglas och sålde för att få godis. Än idag har jag blick för varenda tomburk och det händer aldrig att jag kastar en flaska med pant. Jag sålde jultidningar både i andra, tredje och fjärde klass. Jag fick en bok om fåglar i premie. Gäsp. Jag köpte mitt toalettbord med tillhörande stol. Och jag har kvar dem än.

Men det syntes och kändes att vi inte hade råd. Hela tiden. Jag minns exempelvis ingen julmat, utom fake oakleys risgrynsgröten som var god och skinkan och sillen som jag aldrig åt. Vi hade varken köttbullar, prinskorv eller någonting av allt det folk brukar ha. Jag älskade nötter, men en jul fanns det inte pengar så mamma undrade om vi kunde klara oss utan? Jag svarade ”Ja” men ångrade mig bittert när jag gick till familjen Melin och såg deras nötskål. Jag sa ”Mamma har glömt att köpa nötter…” Och den snälla tant Lillemor förstod precis. Hon fyllde en påse med nötter och gav mig. Julen var räddad.

Lillebror

Fattigdomen blev ännu en anledning att ge sig på oss. Min lillebror började skolan 1967, när det fortfarande var nästan sex månader kvar tills han skulle fylla sju. Mamma försökte få hans skolstart uppskjuten ett år, men det var viktigare att få fyllda klasser än elever som mådde bra på den tiden. Min lillebror fick ett helvete. Det fanns nämligen en taxichaufför som hade sex söner. Åtminstone två av dem var slagskämpar och mobbare. Man sa att de fick stryk hemma. Det tog de igen på andra barn. Ronny gick i klassen över min bror. Han var fet, stark och skoningslös. Det två åren med Ronny på samma skola har min bror burit med sig hela livet.

Men nu är det fortfarande bara hösten 1966 och jag går till skolan varje dag vid 06.45.

Hat

Varje dag hände något. Ibland var det mer. Filmförevisning i biblioteket. Alla stolar ställda i rader. Jag sitter i andra raden när jag  känner att någon nuddar min axel. Jag vänder mig om. Leif Bengtsson sitter bakom och blåser snus rakt in i mina ögon. Det svider som eld. Alla skrattar. Någon slår mig i ryggen som i förbigående. Dagens smäll utdelad. Alla mobbare har ett visst system. Svaghet triggar dem. Passivt motstånd väcker deras aggresivitet. Alla ska ha in minst ett slag på det feta äcklet varje dag.

Jag hatar dem. Maktlös, osynlig för alla utom för sadisterna genomlever jag mina dagar i fjärde klass.

Taler finnt

Men hemma väntar min lilla katt Måns. Mamma brukar ge honom mat och släppa in honom i mitt rum innan jag låser dörren igen. Kvällarna och nätterna tillbringar jag med  världslitteraturens stora klassiker, romaner från första halvan av 1900-talet och mängder av barn- och ungdomsböcker. Tillsammans med Måns, som är bara kärlek. Ingen kramar mig, ingen tröstar mig, ingen tycker om mig. Utom Måns. Jag kan fortfarande känna hans värme och tassar mot mitt bröst.

Mitt bokläsande ger mig stort ordförråd, långt utöver min ålder och framför allt mycket större ordförråd än alla jämnåriga. Ytterligare en anledning att hata mig. Jag bestämmer mig för att ALDRIG prata som mina skolkamrater.

”Du taler sä finnt” vräker de ur sig, dalbymålet den sista utposten mot omvärldens inflytande.

Jag gör allt för att finslipa mitt tal så att jag inte ska smittas av deras vidriga språk.

Jag lyckas ganska bra.

På minussidan ligger att jag får svårt att lära mig andra främmande språk, eftersom jag beslutat djupt i min själ att inte ta till mig andra dialekter.

Det tog de också ifrån mig, förutom min barndom.

 

 

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Tredje klass

Det blev allt svårare att leva, både i skolan och inte minst hemma. Tack vare mamma klarade jag mig från en skoldag till den andra, men jag hade ont i magen jämt. Vilket jag blev så van vid att det var först som vuxen jag förstod hur ont jag hade haft. Mamma tog mig till doktorn som utförde en förödmjukande undersökning och konstaterade att allt var bra. Jag hade svårt att röra mig, springa, eller att gå över ett golv.

Vad ingen visste var att jag egentligen var ganska vig, men att jag slutade att röra mig för att inte dra uppmärksamheten och mobbarnas blickar till mig. Mina muskler förkortades av alla slag och glåpord. Vuxna som mindes mig från min barndom berättade senare att de alltid hade uppfattat mig som sur. ”Du var lika sur jämt”.

Behärskad

Jag var inget charmfullt barn. Jag varken log eller grät eller pratade eller lekte när någon såg på. Jag utvecklade konsten att behärska mig oavsett vad som hände. Om jag glömde mig och drog lite på mungiporna var det alltid någon som la märke till det och vrålade till alla andra ”Se nu står det feta aset och flinar!” Jag kan se Per-Olof Olsson/Stenströms fräkniga ansikte med den vidöppna munnen framför mig. Och genast formerade sig angriparna och roade sig med att verbalt och fysiskt kränka mig så långt deras ordförråd och kreativitet räckte.

När vi diskuterade om vi skulle ha barn när vi blev stora kom frågan till mig. Jag sa att jag ville också ha barn när jag blev stor. Genast vände sig Roger mot mig och med ansiktet förvridet av förakt Cheap Jerseys väste han ”Vem i helvete skulle vilja knulla ett sådant förbannat äckel som du!?” Det var en av de anmärkningar som la grunden till mitt självhat och självförakt längre fram. Roger var själv mobbad och ville säkert knipa några pluspoäng hos dem högre upp i mobbinghierarkin, men att jag minns anmärkningen över 50 år senare kan ju vara en påminnelse om hur djupt man kan såra en annan människa på ett ögonblick. Idag är Roger gift och rektor så man kan konstatera att han själv fick sex och slipper bli mobbad som chef för hela skolan. Jag hoppas att Roger fick barn, för jag är säker på att han nog skulle vara en bra pappa trots allt. För när Roger inte var upptagen med att hata mig, såg och hörde jag hur trevlig han var mot andra. Roger hade så svårt med sin allergi med många sjukvårdsbesök, att han nog borde blivit lite ödmjuk. Och älskat sina barn, även om de inte blivit perfekta. Bosse blev Rogers allra bästa vän och de hängde ihop i alla väder. Det var tur för Roger att cheap football jerseys Bosse kom till klassen.

Kasperdockan

Fröken G avskydde mig verkligen. Det var ömsesidigt. Ingenting jag gjorde dög, oavsett vad det gällde. Sillpuddingskriget var en institution. Lika säkert som att jag skulle vägra sillpudding, lika säkert var det att fröken G skulle tvinga mig att sitta kvar i matsalen framför sillpuddingen tills bussen skulle gå. Våren -65 skulle vi göra kasperdockor till pjäsen på skolavslutningen. Häpnadsväckande nog fick jag tilldelat mig ”prinsessan”.

Vi blandade klister och pappersmassa till en deg och så formade vi huvuden som sattes att torka på en pappersstrut nedstucken i en flaska. Fröken G tog vägen förbi mig och bestämde att ”prinsessan” skulle ha knut. Alltså satte fröken fast en boll på mitt dockhuvud utan att diskutera saken med mig.  Hon satte på en boll till näsa också. Huvudet sattes att torka.

Veckan därpå var det dags att måla huvudena. Jag var inte så duktig, men fick hållas. (Stela, skräckslagna människor med ont i magen är inte så kreativa). Jag målade förstås håret med knuten gult och ansiktet skärt, med blå ögon och en röd mun. Prinsessan hade samma färger som jag. Ingen av oss var söt.

Veckan därpå skulle vi sy kläder. Jag som bara älskade djur, hade aldrig sytt dockkläder. Vi fick välja bland massor av tyglappar av alla slag. Jag valde ljusgul mjuk frotté. Frotté var nytt i mitten av 1960-talet. Jag sydde en mjuk klänning som min hand fick plats i. När det blev dags för pjäsen sydde fröken G en ny klänning i blått blankt tyg med en spets nertill. Så gjorde hon en krona och satte runt knuten. fake oakleys Fröken G var verkligen mycket bättre än jag på att göra kasperdockor. Jag tror att hon egentligen använde mig som ett alibi för att få göra prinsess-dockan helt själv. Clash Royale HackClash of Clans Hack

Mamma <3

Jag hatade matte (Tack vare min pappa och hans X-ekvation) Min mamma vars matte härstammade från 1930-talet kunde inte ställa upp ”rätt” men hon lärde sig. Sedan räknade hon ut mina tal efter att ha frågat ”Visst kan du det här?” och sedan skrev jag av hennes tal. Mamma räddade mitt liv, inte bara då utan gång på gång. Mamma gjorde inte som alla andra, hon var inte som någon annan. Och just därför räddade hon mig och fick mig att orka ännu en dag i helvetet.

Från det jag fyllt 8 ungefär kunde jag och min pappa inte längre vistas i samma rum, utan att jag sa eller gjorde något fel som fick honom att få ett vansinnesutbrott. Jag menar vredesutbrott som saknade all behärskning. Han gjorde mig skräckslagen. I många många år drömde jag mardrömmar om att människor i min närhet plötsligt förvandlades till livsfarliga odjur. Det är inte svårt att hitta källan till de mardrömmarna.

Det var nog hösten 1965 som jag fick en egen nyckel till mitt rum av mamma. Hon gav mig den och sa så här:

”Nu får du den här nyckeln. Den går till ditt rum. Du ska vara noga med att hålla reda på den. När pappa blir arg ska du SKYNDA dig in på ditt rum och LÅSA dörren. Du får INTE öppna dörren vad han än säger eller vad han än gör för då kommer han att SLÅ dig!”

– Kommer han att slå mig? frågade jag

”Ja, tro mig, Han kommer att slå dig. Om du bara visste hur många gånger jag gått emellan när han har försökt att ge dig stryk” sa mamma och suckade.

(Pappa kallade det tips ”juling”. Det kan nog vara norska.)

Starkare

Mamma räddade mitt liv många gånger.

Om mina lärare sett hur snabb jag kunde vara in på mitt rum så hade jag aldrig haft etta i gymnastik.

Det kunde gå veckor innan jag tillbringade tid med familjen. För det mesta hann jag få mat, men bäst av allt var de många kvällskurserna då pappa var kursledare och borta till 9-tiden på kvällen. replica oakleys Då kunde vi leva. När mina småsyskon somnat satt cheap jerseys jag och ritade medan mamma läste en bok. Jag var inte så bra men med mamma blev jag bättre.  Hon såg på mina teckningar och sa ”Du ska komma ihåg att vad andra än säger, så tycker jag alltid om dina teckningar. Jag kommer alltid tycka att du är väldigt duktig”. Eftersom mammas ord var det enda beröm jag  någonsin fick under hela min uppväxt, höll de mig uppe över ytan Wholesale NFL Jerseys så jag kunde dra ännu ett andetag för att överleva ännu en dag.

Minnet av mammas ord gjorde mig starkare då och ännu idag. Jag hade en gång en mamma och det har gjort hela hela skillnaden.

Nyckeln

Att ha en nyckel är också skillnad. I princip varenda dag inträffade något som drev min pappa från vettet och jag låste in mig. Sedan stod jag vid fönstret och lyssnade när han bultade på dörren och med mörk och hotfull röst försökte förmå mig att lyda.  ”ÖPPNA! ÖPPNA DÖRREN!” Han slog på dörren och jag stod vid fönstret beredd på att ta mig ut om dörren skulle gå sönder. Jag ställde alltid mina skor under fönstret så jag skulle ha något på fötterna om jag måste fly. Men dörren höll och jag slapp bli slagen.

Så småningom tröttnade han, men jag kunde ju inte gå ut ur rummet, för då satte bråket igång igen.. Värst var det att inte kunna gå på toaletten. Kissnödigheten höll mig vaken. När jag smög mig ut efter midnatt kunde jag kvalat in som inbrottstjuv. Jag är fortfarande väldigt bra på att ta mig fram tyst om det behövs. Jag är heller inte rädd för mörker. För mig är mörkret ett skydd.

Mot bakgrund av allt det här var det skönt när jag kunde inleda försäljning av jultidningar igen. Jag var ute varenda kväll, hur sent som helst.

Jag längtade aldrig hem.

”Those privileged to touch the lives of children
should constantly be aware that their impact on a single child
may affect a multitude of others a thousand years from now.”/okänd

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Sommaren 1965

Min lillasyster föddes på sportlovet. 2017-01-22 Det var en tisdag då jag vaknade upp och fick höra att hon kommit. Jag hade önskat mig en lillasyster och kände mig allsmäktig. Först fick jag den bror jag ville ha, sedan kom nästa som jag också beställt.

Mamma var mycket trött, men hon blev inte sjuk den här gången. Den 2 maj fyllde mamma 45 och min syster var lite drygt tre månader. Mamma brukade sy mina klänningar och annat jag behövde, men det här året bad hon pappa köpa en färdig examensklänning när han skulle åka på skolresa med sin klass.

Pappa kom hem cheap jerseys med en klänning som var ljust gul-vit i smala spetsränder. Som dekoration i midjan satt två diamantknappar. Det var den elegantaste klänning jag någonsin ägt. Det var en en vuxen damklänning i storlek 38, som mamma fållade upp så den skulle ray ban sunglasses passa mig. Den kostade 100 kr år 1965.

Lillasyster

Det var mycket spännande att få en liten syster och jag var oerhört stolt över henne. Vår grannfru som undervisade flickorna i nionde klass i barnkunskp fick låna min lillasyster när jag var i skolan. N’är jag kom hem och fick höra det blev jag rätt arg. Det kändes som om de tagit något ifrån mig.

– Ni får aldrig mer låna ut min cheap oakleys syster! Hon är MIN! Behöver tant S.  en baby i skolan får hon skaffa sig en själv, påpekade jag svartsjukt.

Jag bevakade min syster som en hök och älskade henne över alla gränser. Hon var otroligt söt.

I maj samma år fick vi en liten svart kattunge som döptes till Måns. Det blev min katt. Måns var ingen vanlig bondkatt. Han var en kvarts siames och pratade med långa intensiva jamanden. Dessutom ville han vara nära mig jämt. Jag som var helt svältfödd på kärlek och närhet, fick inte bara ett husdjur utan en vän som älskade mig utan förbehåll.  De långa ensamma timmarna på mitt rum fylldes plötsligt av liv. När jag låg och läste på min säng hoppade Måns  upp och dök upp framför min bok för att stryka sig mot mitt ansikte.  Jag som inte fått en kram på flera år hade äntligen någon som valde mig och var nära.

Lycklig sommar

Sommaren i Gillberga blev lycklig. Min lillasyster fick visserligen Röda Hund men den var snabbt avklarad. På midsommardagen döptes hon i Gillberga kyrka. Efteråt var det kaffe och tårta hos mormor på Närbyn. Det är lustigt att tänka på att jag sitter lika nära mormors stora målade porslinsskåp i kväll som jag gjorde den midsommardagen för 50 år sedan.  Ett halvt århundrade. Alla kring bordet är borta utom min lillasyster, min lillebror och jag.

Sedan några år tillbaka hyrde  vi Bygninga, huvudbyggnaden till en gammal gård i Rotvik, i närheten av sjön Botungen där min pappa sommaren 1965 byggde båthuset som han rodde över sjön. På kvällarna gick vi till Framgården och hämtade mjölk hos Sven och Svea som arrenderade mark och ladugården där de handmjölkade sina kor. Ibland såg vi älgar på Fake Oakleys gärdena runt gården när vi kom hem med mjölken.

Vi badade i den lilla viken invid vägen och mamma brukade använda den allmänna tvättgrytan som stod bakom några buskar. Långa sommardagar lekte vi i vattnet medan mamma tvättade och hängde. Det kändes som om solen sken hela sommaren 1965.

Vi hyrde bara nedervåningen i huset. I köket fanns vedspis och ett kylskåp. En diskbänk utan rinnande vatten och ett stort kallt skafferi. Vatten hämtade mamma i brunnen som låg uppe i slänten ovanför gården. I det största rummet sov pappa. Mamma, min syster och jag delade på två sängar i lilla kammaren. Jag minns inte alls var min bror låg.

Valparna

Om man följde landsvägen lite längre så kom man till Lillspeke på vänster hand. Där bodde Gottfrid, Elin och hennes dotter Karin som var snäll men mycket äldre än jag. De hade kennel och födde upp strävhåriga taxar. Jag gick dit varenda dag och lät de små valparna klättra på mig i hundgården. För mycket av det bästa kan vara alldeles underbart. När de växte till sig och började bitas tog jag paus då och då på taket till hundkojan.

Ibland blev jag bjuden på middag av den snälla tant Elin som hade rött hår och fräknar precis överallt.  När jag kom hem berättade jag för mamma att jag fått löja med äggsås. Men det var gös.

Tvärs över vägen från Lillspeke bodde en flicka hos sin mormor. Hon var 8 år och hade fått flytta till mormor för att de retades med henne i skolan. Hon var nämligen ut som 18. Numer kunde man ha hejdat hennes för tidiga pubertet, men 1965 kunde man bara stå maktlös och se på hur alla kroppsliga vuxentillbehör hamnade på sina rätta ställen. Hon var lika lång som jag och jämngammal med mig, men kändes mycket äldre. I allt hon var betedde hon sig som en vuxen. Hon diskuterade vanliga saker med min mamma som om replica oakleys de varit vuxna som lät mig sitta med vid bordet.

Hennes mormor hade för övrigt varit förlovad med min mammas morbror Artur i sin gröna ungdom, men пятен» det rann ut i sanden så jag fick inte prata om det.

Mellan jag var 7 tills jag var nästan 14  levde jag två liv. Skolterminerna handlade bara om överlevnad från en dag till den andra. Det verkliga livet började med sommarlovet och resan till Gillberga. En plats där jag var som alla andra.

 

 

 

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Det var hösten 1964 som pappa bestämde sig för att göra äppelvin. Harry Edelmans ”Vinboken” införskaffades. Lådvis med äpplen köptes in. Inte en låda utan många. Jag minns hur stapeln med äppellådor nådde högt över mitt huvud.

Alla familjemedlemmar som kunde hantera en kniv kallades in till vinberedningen. Det var alltså pappa, jag och i viss mån mamma som samlades kring fruktbaljorna med äpplen. Varenda äpple synades och skars i bitar. Det tog en evighet. Pappa uppmuntrade mig. ”När du blir tio år ska du få smaka det här vinet”. Jag skulle snart fylla åtta. Tio år kändes lika avlägset som månen. Dessutom hade jag ingen uppfattning om vin överhuvudtaget. Men jag skar mina äpplen, kväll efter kväll. Vinhinkar och så småningom damejeanner fylldes. De senare försågs med jäsrör fyllda med vatten och en spännande ploppande utbröt.

Efter en tid tystnade vinet och alltsammans tappades på flaska. Sedan var det bara att vänta.

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Normalt sett var förekomsten av alkohol minimal hemma hos oss. Varken min mamma eller pappa var någonsin påverkad så det märktes, ens när det var fest. När jag blev äldre fick jag höra historierna från Norge där hembränningsapparaterna stod och puttrade i de flesta hem. Jag fick alltid känslan av att det var spänningen och nyfikenheten som fick folk att tillverka brännvin.  I Fagernes lyckades länsman och min pappa vid ett tillfälle släcka belysningen i större delen av samhället när de skulle testa en ny apparat.

Nu bodde vi i Sysslebäck, fjärran från det vilda Norge och alla hembränningsexperter. Men vi hade vin. Faktum är att pappa tillverkade så mycket vin hösten 1964, att den fake oakleys sista flaskan tömdes på midsommarafton 1980. Livet stormade omkring oss, barn föddes och människor dog. Vi flyttade flera gånger. Men vinet klarade allt och fick genom åren en allt vackrare gyllene färg.

Mina föräldrar hade en glad och trevlig vänkrets där man oftast träffades hemma hos varandra på middagar. Vi barn fick alltid följa med och det gjorde att alla i familjen såg fram emot middagsbjudningarna.

Mat och retorik

När vi själva skulle ha gäster lagade wholesale jerseys mamma mat hela dagen och pappa skrev tal. Han var en talangfull och begåvad talare. Pappa  kunde inte bara hålla tal, utan också skriva långa rim på våra julklappar.  Mamma å sin sida hade redan som 21-åring varit föreståndarinna för två av Sandrews mjölkbarer i Uppsala. Hon var utbildad inom allt som rörde hushåll, inte minst matlagning och kunde trolla fram en festmåltid av nästan vad som helst. Hon var snabb och otålig, så det var bara genom att se på och lyssna som jag lärde mig laga mat. Mamma tyckte inte om när jag experimenterade. Att leka med mat var otänkbart. Om man skulle baka eller laga mat måste det också ätas upp.

Vi hade varken radio eller grammofon.  Däremot hade vi många visböcker. Alla våra gäster var musikaliska.  Jag minns hur jag låg i min säng och lyssnade till deras sånger medan kvällen led mot sitt slut.  Evert Taube, skillingtryck, folkvisor, sjömansvisor…

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Både mamma och pappa kunde sjunga. Ibland när familjen var på bilutflykt eller på väg ner till sommarlivet i Gillberga där mormor bodde, brukade vi cheap jerseys sjunga i bilen. Pappa kom ihåg varenda versrad. Mamma kunde ha varit bättre. Men fiolspelandet på Ingesund och de förhatliga pianolektionerna hon genomled som tonåring hämmade henne bachiller en hel del. Men på våra bilresor sjöng alla med.

Minnet av sångerna, festerna och alla glada gäster i mitt föräldrahem tillhör mina goda barndomsminnen.  Snart skulle sångerna Cheap Jerseys from china tystna och musiken dö ut.

I höstas bestämde jag mig för att göra äppelvin, 50 år efter förra försöket. Min dotter och jag plockade frukt från vilda äppelträd. Jag tog min nyinköpta Edelmans Vinbok, den 41:a upplagan och satte igång. Det är verkligen en helt annan känsla att bereda vin som vuxen. Man kan se en början och ett slut på jobbet.

Vinet är tappat på flaskor. Nu är det bara att vänta.

P.s. Jag fick aldrig smaka vinet som jordan sale tioåring. Lika bra det.

 

 

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Jag är en mes. Jag kommer aldrig få beröm för mina artiklar med hänvisning till ”bättre hets”. Men en och annan kanske lär sig något om de läser det jag skriver. Det vinner man inga Pulitzer Prize på och guldspadarna lyser med sin frånvaro.

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Vad konstnären hette har fallit i barmhärtig glömska. Hans porträtt på affischen visade en medelålders, glasögonprydd skallig man. Han såg sammanbiten ut. Iklädd mörk polo. Och känd. Tydligen.

Utställningslokalen var ödslig när jag och Solveig äntrade entrén och såg ut i den vita tomheten. Här och där hängde fyrkantiga tavlor med  typ färg. Heltäckande. Utan vare sig motiv eller någon form av mönster.Vi tog en förteckning och började bese konsten. Namn som ”fyra” föll sig ganska logiskt när fyra tavlor placerats i en fyrkant. Två vita diagonalt. Och en blå respektive en gul tavla på andra diagonalen.

Det var stora och det var små tavlor their website. ”Dimma”, ”Grå” och ”Sky” retade fantasin. Vi svängde runt en vägg och där stod han, konstnären och stirrade outgrundligt ut i fjärran. Strax bredvid hängde ”Blå” och ”Vit Mås”.  Konstnären rörde sig inte när vi närmade oss. Vi stannade framför ”Blå”.

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– Jaaahaaa, här har vi ”Blå” sa Solveig och tog på sig kulturminen.

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Nu stod vi där framför ”Blå” och inte en räddning i sikte. Ingen mer var där utom vi. Och han som målat alltsammans. Dessutom stod han så nära att man inte kunde smita ut i tysthet.

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Jag stirrade intensivt på den vita tavlan, på den vita utsmetade färgen. Och minsann i ett hörn fanns en liten grå korv. En måsbajs?

Jag skulle vilja ha frågat konstnären varför? Och hur han lyckats ta sig in och fått hålla en utställning? Om han kunde teckna alls och om han försörjer sig på det här.

Men vi kunde bara ta oss ut, hysteriskt fnissande.

Jag har aldrig varit där igen.

Beröra

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Jag uppskattar en viss självdistans när det gäller konst. Många av de verkligt begåvade är lugna, tysta och ödmjuka. De behöver inte förhäva sig, utan visar sin passion, sin talang och sin förmåga genom sina konstverk.

Konst är att beröra människor känslomässigt på ett eller annat sätt.

– Att kunna måla, men inte ha något att säga är tragiskt, konstaterade Gerlesborgsskolans rektor. (Som jag inte ens minns vad han hette)

Och det är ungefär så jag känner då och då.

Jaha, här har vi dina tavlor. Och alla dina vänner säger att du är så begåvad och duktig. De ringer mig, de mailar och påpekar att du är så talangfull.

För de älskar dig.

Och bara det att du finns gör dem glada.

Det innebär inte att du är en speciellt stor konstnär.

Bara att du har många som älskar dig.

Don’t quit your day job.

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‘Bleed for This’ is great movie tell story about The inspirational story of World Champion Boxer Vinny Pazienza, who after a near fatal car crash, which left him not knowing if he’d ever walk again, made one of sports most incredible comebacks. This film have genre Drama and have 116 minutes runtime.

Cast
Christine Evangelista as Ashley, Miles Teller as Vinny Pazienza, Ciarán Hinds as Angelo Pazienza, Ted Levine as Lou Duva, Katey Sagal as Louise Pazienza, Aaron Eckhart as Kevin Rooney.

Production
The Director of this film is Ben Younger. The movie Bleed for This is produced by Verdi Productions, Sikelia Productions, Bruce Cohen Productions, Younger Than You and released in November 04, 2016

Similar Movie
Bleed for This have some similar movie, Million Dollar Baby, Unbroken, Creed, Rocky, Eddie the Eagle, Raging Bull

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Ensam

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Första dagen höll jag mig i närheten och undersökte den branta slänten bakom huset. Så brant att man fick sparka fast fötterna i jorden för att inte ramla ner på grannens gårdsplan. Deras hus låg längs stora vägen. Om jag stod på kanten av stupet kunde jag se bondgårdar längre bort vid älven. Små kor och människor rörde sig runt husen.

Jag tog mig runt vårt hus och kom ner i en skogsdunge 10 meter nedanför husgaveln. i en skreva växte en liten tall. Vi var lika långa. Jag fortsatte från ställe till ställe i allt vidare cirklar. Timmarna gick och jag väntade på att pappa skulle komma hem. När solens strålat blev allt längre och skiftade i guld drog jag mig tillbaka och satte mig på baksidan av vårt hus. Det var enda varma platsen. Så hörde jag steg i gruset och skyndade mig runt hörnet för att se om det var pappa.

Det var pappa. Jag kände mig glad. Äntligen skulle jag få gå på toaletten.

– Har du suttit här och väntat? frågade han och lät arg.

– Ja, svarade jag och stannade. Jag förstod inte varför han var arg.

– Här ska du inte sitta och vänta. jag sa ju åt dig att gå och leka med de andra barnen! Varför sitter du här?! frågade pappa medan han låste upp ytterdörren.

– Jag känner inte dom, sa jag.

– Dumheter! De verkar ju trevliga! När jag är borta hockey jerseys vill jag inte att du sitter här och väntar. Du ska gå och leka med de andra medan jag är på jobbet!

Jag minns inte vad jag fick att äta. Jag måste ju ha gått på toaletten. Allt jag minns är den svidande känslan av misslyckande.

Vägen bort

Nästa dag upprepades morgonen och pappa gick till jobbet.

Det var ensamt att stå utanför den låsta dörren. jag hade aldrig varit utan mamma förut. Jag hade aldrig varit utan andra vuxna omkring mig heller. Men jag visste att jag inte kunde stanna vid huset för då skulle pappa bli arg igen.

Jag började vandra längre bort och jag lärde mig att gömma mig i skogen. Jag gick stigen som ledde upp på sandåsen. Den slingrade sig fram högt över husen, skolan och cheap oakleys de små bodgårdarna längs älven. Längs kanten löpte ett enkelt stängsel med trästolpar och två tvärslåar. När de lösa korna kom, med kvigor, kalvar, getter och killingar i släptåg skyndade jag mig att krypa genom stängslet och sparka mig en liten hylla att stå på medan flocken drog förbi. Precis som jag släpptes korna på skogen varje morgon, sedan letade de sig hem själva till kvällsmjölkningen. Jag var rädd för dem.

Jag brukade gå hem när skuggorna blev långa. Jag aktade mig noga för att gå hem för tidigt så inte pappa skulle bli arg igen. Om jag av misstag kom hem för tidigt, när dörren fortfarande var låst, skyndade jag att gömma mig så han inte skulle se mig. Olika ställen varje dag. Jag lärde mig att det var viktigt att han fick komma hem först, för då trodde han att jag hade haft så mycket att göra att jag inte hade tid att gå hem. Som vuxen insåg jag att jag lämnades ensam ungefär 12 timmar i sträck, varje dag.

Äta ifred

Ibland hände det att jag fick leka med någon en stund på dagen. Men det tog slut när de skulle äta.  Nu får du gå hem för vi ska äta middag, sa deras mamma. Eller mellanmål, ett förtrollat ord som jag hörde första gången i rektorns kök, medan jag såg hur deras mamma serverade flingor med smultron och mjölk. Mellanmål förekom aldrig hemma hos oss. Jag hade ingenstans att få mat. Så jag gick vidare någon annanstans, jag letade nya vägar ut i världen omkring. Jag vågade aldrig gå upp till skolan och leta efter pappa.

Jag var inte så hungrig längre. Jag hade plötsligt ingen mamma. Min bror mindes jag inte hur han såg ut. Jag hade ingen jag kände, ingen som brydde sig om mig. Ingen undrade var jag var eller satte på mig mer kläder när det regnade. Särskilt minns jag en dag då jag bara hade en röd soldräkt av nylon på mig, ingenting annat. Den var så besvärlig, för alltsammans var hopsytt så man måste ta av sig hela dräkten för att kunna kissa. Jag höll mig så länge jag kunde. På morgonen lyste solen, sedan blev det mulet. Jag minns hur dräkten skavde och hur jag frös. Det var en lång dag.

För att stå ut med hunger, törst, köld, skräck och ensamhet lärde jag mig att stänga av mina känslor. Den egenskapen skulle jag få mycket nytta av i livet.

Utflykten

En söndag ordnade Frälsningsarmén bussutflykt till Elverum i Norge. Vi skulle åka till deras Frälsningsarmé och vara borta hela dagen. Pappa sa ja och jag var Wholesale Jerseys jätteglad. Jag kläddes fin i grå kjol och vit blus. Han flätade mitt hår ordentligt och önskade mig trevlig resa.

Det var kanske 4 mil till gränsen och sedan ytterligare en bit till Elverum. Väl framme samlades vi i en stor sal där alla barnen satt uppradade. Plötsligt upptäckte jag vita kryss här och var på golvet. Plötsligt ställer sig min kompis Eva som var två år Cheap Football Jerseys äldre, på ett av kryssen och deklamerar en lång vers iklädd en liten sköterskeuniform. På flera ställen i salen hände samma sak. Jag insåg att flera barn inte bara hade fått ett kryss att stå på, utan dessutom olika kläder och lärt sig verser utantill som de fick säga framför alla människor.

Jag hade varken fått kryss eller kläder så jag bestämde mig för att gå hem.

Jag tog min väska och gick ut på trappan. Jag kunde inte gå hem, för det var så långt. Men jag kunde vänta. Så jag satte mig ner på trappsteget med väskan bredvid mig och väntade. Resten av dagen satt jag på trappan medan tiden gick. Både vuxna och barn var ute och försökte locka in mig med saft, bullar och allt möjligt. De frågade varför jag satt kvar ute.

– Jag väntar på att åka hem, svarade jag och satt kvar.

Hela dagen satt jag still på trappan. Har man inte fått ett kryss så har man ingen anledning att dricka saft.

Till sist tog dagen slut och bussen körde hem oss.

Pappa frågade om jag haft roligt.

– Ja, väldigt roligt, svarade jag glatt.

Jag var hemma, inomhus. Pappa hade mig i knä och jag var mätt. Klart jag var glad.

– Jag ska berätta någonting, sa pappa och fortsatte:

När du hade åkt med bussen blev jag så orolig så jag tog bilen och åkte bakom bussen hela vägen till Elverum. Sedan satt jag vid järnvägsstationen hela dagen. Den låg mitt emot huset där du var, men du såg mig inte?

– Nej? sa Cheap NFL Jerseys jag.

– När jag såg att du kom ut och satte dig på trappan tänkte jag gå till dig, men jag lät bli för du skulle få klara dig själv. Men jag såg hur många flickor kom ut och pratade med dig. Varför gick du inte in igen?, frågade pappa.

– Jag fick inget kryss, svarade jag.

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Den kalla sommaren

Vi flyttade till Sverige i oktober 1960. Efter att ha förlorat allt vi ägde befann vi oss i en by 3 mil från norska gränsen. Min mamma hade fyllt 40 samma år. Min pappa var tio år äldre. Nu väntade de sitt andra barn. Min Cheap Oakleys mamma skulle föda i slutet av december.

Vi bodde i husraden närmast vägen. På ena sidan hade vi en cheap jerseys snäll tant och i andra huset bodde Peter Olsén med sina föräldrar. Vi var födda samma år, men han var född i januari. Peter var snäll. Jag minns hur han torkade mina tårar med vanten när de andra barnen varit på mig igen. Samma gjorde tanten. Sedan brukade hon ge mig en karamell.

I december anlände mormor Hon skulle passa mig medan mamma var på BB. På juldagen var det dags. Pappa skjutsade mamma den tio mil långa vägen till Torsby BB. Grusvägen var gammal redan då. Gropig och backig slingrade den sig längs Klarälvens västra sida. Men ingenting hände, så de vände i Torsby och for tillbaka alla milen igen.

Lillebror

Den 29 december var det dags igen. Min lillebror kom dagen innan nyårsafton. Han andades in fostervatten och drunknade, men de fick igång honom igen. Pappa åkte och hämtade dem på BB. Lillebror bars in genom dörren inslagen i en stor ljusblå filt. Det var mycket kallt.

I april 1961 flyttade vi till Sysslebäck. Pappa hade köpt en f.d. skolbarack, som byggts om till hus. Pappa kallade det villa. Huset låg längs backen upp till det nya högstadiet som döpts till Kvistbergets skola, till allmän förargelse ska tilläggas.  Kvistberget var känt, för att där bodde tattarna. Den allmänna meningen var att skolan borde ha döpts efter kommunen till Dalby skola. Men Kvistberget blev det. Och en del tattare bodde fortfarande kvar.

Huset var ganska modernt. Det fanns badrum, med dusch och badkar. I källaren stod en vedeldad tvättgryta. Öppen planlösning, ett pyttekök med separat matplats som övergick i vardagsrum. Dessutom fanns tre sovrum.

Redan första dagen kom ett par småflickor och spanade in oss. Eva och Carita. De var ett par år äldre än jag. Mina föräldrar uppmuntrade mig att leka med dem. Jag var på min vakt efter Bograngen men kände mig glad för att de inte slog mig.

Skolan

Strax efter oss flyttade ytterligare en familj in i grannhuset. De hade två äldre pojkar. Högst upp i backen låg rektorsbostaden, både fysiskt och symboliskt.  Familjen hade tre döttrar, mycket medvetna om sin status. Fortsatte man längs vägen kom man fram till Evas hem, där hon bodde med mormor, morfar, mamma och två morbröder i tre rum, kök och kammare.

Skolan var nybyggd och jättelik. Det var den största byggnad jag någonsin sett. Den såg ut som två svarta kartonger på varandra, långa mörka korridorer utan slut. Massor av svarta fönster i vita fönsterfoder. Två portar med dubbla dörrar på fram och baksidan, plus ett antal mindre ytterdörrar på båda gavlarna. Stor mörk gymnastiksal, där även värmepannan fanns. Skorstenen spydde ut svart fet oljerök som la sig på allt. Speciellt mammas tvätt. Runt skolan planterades Berberisbuskar med giftiga röda bär. Som blodsdroppar hängde de längs grenarna och fullbordade intrycket.

Svängde man av runt skolans norra gavel fortsatte vägen förbi ett eternitklätt hus där Evas morfar hade en av sina bröder med familj. Ännu längre upp smalnade vägen och började klättra uppför sandåsen. Där stigen klövs hade man två val. Till vänster brusade Kvarnbäcken, till höger kunde man gå hur högt som helst. Sandåsarna som omgav dalen låg som terasser och för varje terass kunde man välja ALDOSTERIN® att gå rakt fram längs kanten eller fortsätta upp till nästa nivå. I dalens botten flöt Klarälven fram, fylld av timmer.

Mamma

En morgon när jag vaknade var mamma borta. Min lillebror fanns ingenstans. Pappa flätade mitt hår stenhårt medan han sa att mamma hade blivit sjuk och att lillebror hade fått följa med henne till sjukhuset. Jag fick choklad och smörgås. Klockan var ännu inte 7 när han tog med mig ut på yttertrappan. Så låste han dörren och sa:

– Nu måste jag gå till jobbet. Men om du vill mig något så är det bara du går upp till skolan och letar reda på mig. Du kan fråga vem som helst så visar de var jag är.

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Världens enda museum för Pysanka ligger i Ukraina. http://hutsul.museum/pysanka/

I museet finns mer än 10 000 målade Ukrainska ägg. Under sovjettiden förbjöds tillverkningen av Pysanka. Det ansågs vara en form av religionsutövning. Man förstörde alla gamla Pysankasamlingar. Traditionen med Pysanka levde kvar hos emigranter. Efter Ukrainas självständighet 1991 har intresset blommat upp igen i hemlandet.

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