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Och så kom sommaren 1967…

Sommaren i Gillberga förflöt ganska lugnt. Min lillasyster hade hunnit bli 2 år. Min lillebror var 6,5 och jag själv skulle fylla 11 år i september.

Nästan varje kväll gick vi och hämtade mjölk på Framgårn’, bondgården som låg närmast badplatsen nere vid sjön. I ladugården huserade arrendatorerna Sven och Svea, där de handmjölkade sina 6-7 kor varje kväll.

Själva gården ägdes av en gammal ensam dam med en tragisk familjehistoria. Familjen Halvordsen hade ett enda barn, en älskad son som dött alldeles för ung. Jag fick alla Rickards barn- och ungdomsböcker, en ofattbar skatt av Biggles, Bill-böcker och annan uppbygglig litteratur, märkta från förlaget som ”pojkböcker”.

Bill och Hitler 

Jag älskade dem. Var skulle hockey jerseys jag annars fått all min kunskap om skoluniformer, engelsk medelklass, en värld befolkad av husor, kokerskor och chaufförer? I en av de tidiga Bill-böckerna bestämmer sig Bill och hans gäng för att bilda en förening ”som i Tyskland”. Bill har läst om Hitler och hans framgångar under första delen av 1930-talet och tycker det verkar vara en kul idé. Bill och hans tre kompisar skaffar bruna skjortor och marscherar runt på gatorna i sin lilla engelska stad. De vuxna som ser dem skakar bara på huvudet.

Bill-böckerna skrevs av Richmal Crompton och började ges ut i Storbritannien redan på 1920-talet. De är fulla av fördomar, sanslösa uttalanden och många icke-politiskt-korrekta handlingar.  Med andra ord väldigt intressanta. Jag är glad att jag fick läsa dem utan censur. Precis som Fem-böckerna och annat spännande elände, innan de rättfärdiga slog till och censurerade dem i senare upplagor. Sanningen är ju den att varenda fördom finns kvar, man döljer dem bara bättre nu för tiden.

Utan hämningar

Sven och Svea var ett strävsamt par som varit gifta i evinnerliga tider. Båda var till åren komna och hörde inte så bra längre. Sven sa inte så mycket. Men Svea var desto mer verbal. Och högljudd. Och helt utan civilisationens hämningar, vilket var ganska udda för en bondhustru <a 26. href=”https://www.cheapnfljerseys1.com/” target=”_blank”>hockey jerseys född på 1800-talet.

Själv förstod jag inte alls vad Svea pratade om, men mina föräldrar glömde aldrig den kväll när Svea berättade att hon köpt en massagestav på postorder. Det här var sommaren 1967 och authentic nfl jerseys ordet dildo var ännu inte uppfunnet.

För ovanlighetens skull hade vi tagit bilen för att hämta mjölken. Vi skulle just åka hem och stod samlade vid bilen. Sven på förarsidan vid pappa och Svea på den andra sidan vid mamma, med oss barn runt omkring.

–  NU HAR JAG KÖPT MIG EN SÅN DÄR MASSAGESTAV, vrålade Svea så det ekade mellan uthusen.

Mamma nickade avvaktande, men log vänligt.

– Jaha….

Jag stod tyst bredvid och väntade på fortsättningen..

– JAG SKICKADE EFTER EN MED POSTEN! förklarade Svea.

Samtalet mellan pappa och Sven hade liksom avstannat.

– SVEN ÄR HELT ODUGLIG I SÄNGEN! OCH DET HAR HAN VART LÄNGE! förklarade Svea.

Det fanns inte mycket mer att säga. Vi tackade för oss och for hem.

Men pappa sa efteråt att han kände hur han rodnat ända upp i hårbotten.

Valparna

Det underbaraste på hela sommaren var valparna i Lillspeke. På en liten gård en bit bort efter sjön hade erstmal de uppfödning av strävhåriga taxvalpar. Mamma kände förstås människor i varenda hus, det var hennes barndomstrakter, så en dag åkte vi in och hälsade på. De väntade valpar vilken dag som helst. Mamma berättade att jag älskade djur. ”Du får komma hit när du vill och hälsa på valparna” sa Elin, som var mamma i huset. Jag kunde nästan inte andas av ren lycka.

Så kom äntligen dagen då valparna föddes. Fem små doftande valpar låg och diade sin stolta mamma Snuttan. Jag hade aldrig sett så små hundar förut. Jag satte mig försiktigt på golvet och blev kvar där i en timme.

Valparnas lugna diande, den snälla tiken och att jag fick vara ifred med dem kändes fantastiskt. Jag var där nästan varje dag hela sommaren. Jag satt på marken i hundgården och hade valparna i knäet, de kröp och kravlade överallt. jag såg dem växa dag för dag. När de började bita mig som valpar gör, gjorde det ingenting. Jag lät dem. Det var först när de började bli starkare och bet stenhårt som cheap oakleys jag flyttade upp på hundkojans tak. Där tog jag små pauser från deras tänder, men var ändå lycklig.

Gottfrid frågade mina föräldrar  vi inte ville köpa en av valparna, de kostade 300 kronor. Men vi skulle inte ha en jakthund sa pappa. Och jag förstod. Dessutom hade vi Måns.

 

 

 

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På Öland satt mamman och tigern i trädgården. Solen sjönk sakta i havet.

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Och mycket riktigt. I skuggan Cheap NFL Jerseys China av träden skymtade en figur. Han var lång, smal och drog på en stor röd resväska.

Tigern kisade mot ljuset.

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Mamman sa ingenting.

Den unge mannen hade hunnit fram till trädgården.

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Mamman strök över hans armar och la sitt ansikte mot hans lena kind. Hon blundade och kände hans doft.

Och tusen år av förtvivlan svävade bort i kvällsbrisen.

Pojken var äntligen hemma.

 

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Sedan inväntade jag de andra barnen som en efter en anlände till skolan, ungefär en timme senare. Jag hörde stora hallen nere fyllas av eleverna i klass fem och sex. Mina egna klasskamrater var de enda som kom upp för trappan och det var svaret på varför jag bad mamma väcka mig senast 6.15 varje morgon.

Visserligen fick jag glåpord slängda i ansiktet direkt varje morgon, men för de mesta fick jag vara fysiskt ifred om inte någon var på särskilt dåligt humör och tog ut det på mig med knuffar och slag. Killarna hade växt till sig över sommaren, det kände jag på hårdheten i deras pojknävar.

Gatlopp

Men det var ändå ingenting mot det gatlopp som väntade mig om jag försov mig och kom till skolan samma tid som alla andra. I stora hallen nere väntade sadisterna på nästa färska offer. Och det var alltid jag. Leif Bengtsson minns jag speciellt för hans djupa hårda slag i ryggen. Han stank svett och hat när han ivrigt påhejad av resten av mobben slog så mycket han orkade. Jag stängde av och kämpade mig fram mot trappan till övervåningen. Runt omkring gapskrattade sadisterna lustfyllt medan slog mig mellan sig så hårt de kunde.

Man försover sig sällan igen efter ett sådant wake-up-call. Mamma var bekymrad över att jag fick sova alldeles för lite. Jag somnade sent, för jag var ju tvungen att vänta ut pappa för det mesta innan jag kunde gå på toa. Jag hade alltid ont i magen, (numer förstår jag att det var ångest och ren skräck.) Mamma visste att jag egentligen inte var någon morgonmänniska, ändå gjorde hon som jag bad och väckte mig vid 6-tiden varje morgon.

Men för att vara snäll lät hon ibland bli att väcka mig så tidigt, utan väntade till 7…

Det var fruktansvärt. Jag flög upp ur sängen helt vild av ångest. Jag visste vad som väntade om sadisterna hade hunnit till skolan innan jag hann in och uppför trappan. Jag åt inget, jag lät inte mamma fläta om mitt hår, jag slet till mig skolväskan och störtade iväg. Att jag hann fram först var en fråga om liv och död.

Ekonomiskt vanvett

Det var nog i fyran det märktes allt mer att min familj levde på fattigdomsgränsen. Det fanns helt enkelt inte pengar till mer än det allra nödvändigaste. Mamma kunde trolla med matpengarna, men ingen kunde göra av med inkomsterna lika snabbt som min pappa. Han drack inte, han spelade inte  fast båda rökte hemrullade cigaretter eller färdigrullade Ritz.

Min pappa var fullständigt hopplös närt det gällde ekonomi. Han var en drömmare som borde ha satts cheap authentic jerseys under förmyndare när det gällde pengar. Det drabbade min lojala mamma oerhört hårt. Det drabbade alla oss barn varje dag. Min pappa var en person som var älskad i alla läger. Av arbetskamrater, elever, grannar, bekanta och i princip alla människor han mötte tyckte om honom. Han var underhållande, generös (intill vanvett), dansant och en mycket bra organisatör.  En skicklig hantverkare.

Parallellt utnyttjade han varje människa han överhuvudtaget kunde låna pengar av utan åtskillnad. Han hade gjort samma sak hela livet, utan att ha de minsta onda avsikter. Pappa hade bara ”ont om slantar” och det var en konstant brist. Det här gjorde att hans egen släkt tog avstånd från honom. Efter pappas död pratade jag för första gången med hans bror Holger som var 12 år yngre. Jag hade aldrig träffat honom.  Holger sa i telefon: ”Vi blev helt enkelt tvungna att hålla oss ifrån honom för att inte dras in i hans ekonomiska vansinne. Jag hoppas vid Gud att ingen av er har ärvt han totala brist på ekonomiskt förstånd.” Jag hann aldrig träffa Holger som dog året efter.

Kalle och monsterlånet

Det fanns de som höll ut trots detta. Kalle på västkusten var en av dem. Egentligen var han en av min mammas vänner sedan de som 20- och 22-åringar hyrt rum av samma hyresvärdinna i Uppsala. Kalle läste vid universitetet och min mamma var föreståndare för två mjölkbarer. Kalle fick äta på kredit och deras vänskap varade livet ut. Trots att hon träffade och gifte sig med min pappa.

Kalle gifte sig också och fick en son. När Kalles lilla son var några år gammal arbetade båda föräldrarna som lärare. Kalle hade knappt 500 cheap oakley sunglasses kr i månadslön och hans fru Maj ännu mindre. Då fick min pappa extra dåligt med slantar. Kalle lånade honom 9 (NIO) månadslöner år 1959, pengar som Kalle naturligtvis aldrig såg skymten av igen. Pengarna hjälpte egentligen ingenting. Året efter gjorde pappa konkurs och vi förlorade allt vi ägde.

Under de kommande 30 åren berörde Kalle inte lånet med ett enda ord, trots att familjerna umgicks regelbundet. Han berättade historien för mig något år efter att min pappa dött. Och Kalle hade inte sagt något då heller, om jag inte fört saken på tal.

Jag hade själv lagt in ungefär hälften av min lön i pappas hushåll i åtminstone 13 år, från det jag började jobba som 18-åring tills han dog. (Mina syskon förstod aldrig varifrån deras kläder, mycket mat, lampor, gardiner, bildäck, hushållsmaskiner m.m. kom ifrån. De tror än idag att pappa betalade allt. ) Jag berättade alltså för Kalle precis som det hade varit och det var då han berättade sin egen lånehistoria. Med förbehållet att JAG absolut inte полиции skulle känna att jag var skyldig honom pengar.

Fattigdom

Under åren som kom fick jag höra fler historier om pappa och hans ständiga penningbrist. Men pappas stora charm gjorde att han klarade sig helskinnad varenda gång. Med åren blev Pappa något av expert på att hitta nya utvägar. Att aldrig betala förrän efter tredje påminnelsen var en självklarhet. Snabblånen hann att komma de sista åren av hans liv och slukade de sista örena av arvet.

Allt det här gjorde i alla fall att vi aldrig hade några pengar varken då jag växte upp eller åren efter. Vi barn samlade tomglas och sålde för att få godis. Än idag har jag blick för varenda tomburk och det händer aldrig att jag kastar en flaska med pant. Jag sålde jultidningar både i andra, tredje och fjärde klass. Jag fick en bok om fåglar i premie. Gäsp. Jag köpte mitt toalettbord med tillhörande stol. Och jag har kvar dem än.

Men det syntes och kändes att vi inte hade råd. Hela tiden. Jag minns exempelvis ingen julmat, utom fake oakleys risgrynsgröten som var god och skinkan och sillen som jag aldrig åt. Vi hade varken köttbullar, prinskorv eller någonting av allt det folk brukar ha. Jag älskade nötter, men en jul fanns det inte pengar så mamma undrade om vi kunde klara oss utan? Jag svarade ”Ja” men ångrade mig bittert när jag gick till familjen Melin och såg deras nötskål. Jag sa ”Mamma har glömt att köpa nötter…” Och den snälla tant Lillemor förstod precis. Hon fyllde en påse med nötter och gav mig. Julen var räddad.

Lillebror

Fattigdomen blev ännu en anledning att ge sig på oss. Min lillebror började skolan 1967, när det fortfarande var nästan sex månader kvar tills han skulle fylla sju. Mamma försökte få hans skolstart uppskjuten ett år, men det var viktigare att få fyllda klasser än elever som mådde bra på den tiden. Min lillebror fick ett helvete. Det fanns nämligen en taxichaufför som hade sex söner. Åtminstone två av dem var slagskämpar och mobbare. Man sa att de fick stryk hemma. Det tog de igen på andra barn. Ronny gick i klassen över min bror. Han var fet, stark och skoningslös. Det två åren med Ronny på samma skola har min bror burit med sig hela livet.

Men nu är det fortfarande bara hösten 1966 och jag går till skolan varje dag vid 06.45.

Hat

Varje dag hände något. Ibland var det mer. Filmförevisning i biblioteket. Alla stolar ställda i rader. Jag sitter i andra raden när jag  känner att någon nuddar min axel. Jag vänder mig om. Leif Bengtsson sitter bakom och blåser snus rakt in i mina ögon. Det svider som eld. Alla skrattar. Någon slår mig i ryggen som i förbigående. Dagens smäll utdelad. Alla mobbare har ett visst system. Svaghet triggar dem. Passivt motstånd väcker deras aggresivitet. Alla ska ha in minst ett slag på det feta äcklet varje dag.

Jag hatar dem. Maktlös, osynlig för alla utom för sadisterna genomlever jag mina dagar i fjärde klass.

Taler finnt

Men hemma väntar min lilla katt Måns. Mamma brukar ge honom mat och släppa in honom i mitt rum innan jag låser dörren igen. Kvällarna och nätterna tillbringar jag med  världslitteraturens stora klassiker, romaner från första halvan av 1900-talet och mängder av barn- och ungdomsböcker. Tillsammans med Måns, som är bara kärlek. Ingen kramar mig, ingen tröstar mig, ingen tycker om mig. Utom Måns. Jag kan fortfarande känna hans värme och tassar mot mitt bröst.

Mitt bokläsande ger mig stort ordförråd, långt utöver min ålder och framför allt mycket större ordförråd än alla jämnåriga. Ytterligare en anledning att hata mig. Jag bestämmer mig för att ALDRIG prata som mina skolkamrater.

”Du taler sä finnt” vräker de ur sig, dalbymålet den sista utposten mot omvärldens inflytande.

Jag gör allt för att finslipa mitt tal så att jag inte ska smittas av deras vidriga språk.

Jag lyckas ganska bra.

På minussidan ligger att jag får svårt att lära mig andra främmande språk, eftersom jag beslutat djupt i min själ att inte ta till mig andra dialekter.

Det tog de också ifrån mig, förutom min barndom.

 

 

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Tredje klass

Det blev allt svårare att leva, både i skolan och inte minst hemma. Tack vare mamma klarade jag mig från en skoldag till den andra, men jag hade ont i magen jämt. Vilket jag blev så van vid att det var först som vuxen jag förstod hur ont jag hade haft. Mamma tog mig till doktorn som utförde en förödmjukande undersökning och konstaterade att allt var bra. Jag hade svårt att röra mig, springa, eller att gå över ett golv.

Vad ingen visste var att jag egentligen var ganska vig, men att jag slutade att röra mig för att inte dra uppmärksamheten och mobbarnas blickar till mig. Mina muskler förkortades av alla slag och glåpord. Vuxna som mindes mig från min barndom berättade senare att de alltid hade uppfattat mig som sur. ”Du var lika sur jämt”.

Behärskad

Jag var inget charmfullt barn. Jag varken log eller grät eller pratade eller lekte när någon såg på. Jag utvecklade konsten att behärska mig oavsett vad som hände. Om jag glömde mig och drog lite på mungiporna var det alltid någon som la märke till det och vrålade till alla andra ”Se nu står det feta aset och flinar!” Jag kan se Per-Olof Olsson/Stenströms fräkniga ansikte med den vidöppna munnen framför mig. Och genast formerade sig angriparna och roade sig med att verbalt och fysiskt kränka mig så långt deras ordförråd och kreativitet räckte.

När vi diskuterade om vi skulle ha barn när vi blev stora kom frågan till mig. Jag sa att jag ville också ha barn när jag blev stor. Genast vände sig Roger mot mig och med ansiktet förvridet av förakt Cheap Jerseys väste han ”Vem i helvete skulle vilja knulla ett sådant förbannat äckel som du!?” Det var en av de anmärkningar som la grunden till mitt självhat och självförakt längre fram. Roger var själv mobbad och ville säkert knipa några pluspoäng hos dem högre upp i mobbinghierarkin, men att jag minns anmärkningen över 50 år senare kan ju vara en påminnelse om hur djupt man kan såra en annan människa på ett ögonblick. Idag är Roger gift och rektor så man kan konstatera att han själv fick sex och slipper bli mobbad som chef för hela skolan. Jag hoppas att Roger fick barn, för jag är säker på att han nog skulle vara en bra pappa trots allt. För när Roger inte var upptagen med att hata mig, såg och hörde jag hur trevlig han var mot andra. Roger hade så svårt med sin allergi med många sjukvårdsbesök, att han nog borde blivit lite ödmjuk. Och älskat sina barn, även om de inte blivit perfekta. Bosse blev Rogers allra bästa vän och de hängde ihop i alla väder. Det var tur för Roger att cheap football jerseys Bosse kom till klassen.

Kasperdockan

Fröken G avskydde mig verkligen. Det var ömsesidigt. Ingenting jag gjorde dög, oavsett vad det gällde. Sillpuddingskriget var en institution. Lika säkert som att jag skulle vägra sillpudding, lika säkert var det att fröken G skulle tvinga mig att sitta kvar i matsalen framför sillpuddingen tills bussen skulle gå. Våren -65 skulle vi göra kasperdockor till pjäsen på skolavslutningen. Häpnadsväckande nog fick jag tilldelat mig ”prinsessan”.

Vi blandade klister och pappersmassa till en deg och så formade vi huvuden som sattes att torka på en pappersstrut nedstucken i en flaska. Fröken G tog vägen förbi mig och bestämde att ”prinsessan” skulle ha knut. Alltså satte fröken fast en boll på mitt dockhuvud utan att diskutera saken med mig.  Hon satte på en boll till näsa också. Huvudet sattes att torka.

Veckan därpå var det dags att måla huvudena. Jag var inte så duktig, men fick hållas. (Stela, skräckslagna människor med ont i magen är inte så kreativa). Jag målade förstås håret med knuten gult och ansiktet skärt, med blå ögon och en röd mun. Prinsessan hade samma färger som jag. Ingen av oss var söt.

Veckan därpå skulle vi sy kläder. Jag som bara älskade djur, hade aldrig sytt dockkläder. Vi fick välja bland massor av tyglappar av alla slag. Jag valde ljusgul mjuk frotté. Frotté var nytt i mitten av 1960-talet. Jag sydde en mjuk klänning som min hand fick plats i. När det blev dags för pjäsen sydde fröken G en ny klänning i blått blankt tyg med en spets nertill. Så gjorde hon en krona och satte runt knuten. fake oakleys Fröken G var verkligen mycket bättre än jag på att göra kasperdockor. Jag tror att hon egentligen använde mig som ett alibi för att få göra prinsess-dockan helt själv. Clash Royale HackClash of Clans Hack

Mamma <3

Jag hatade matte (Tack vare min pappa och hans X-ekvation) Min mamma vars matte härstammade från 1930-talet kunde inte ställa upp ”rätt” men hon lärde sig. Sedan räknade hon ut mina tal efter att ha frågat ”Visst kan du det här?” och sedan skrev jag av hennes tal. Mamma räddade mitt liv, inte bara då utan gång på gång. Mamma gjorde inte som alla andra, hon var inte som någon annan. Och just därför räddade hon mig och fick mig att orka ännu en dag i helvetet.

Från det jag fyllt 8 ungefär kunde jag och min pappa inte längre vistas i samma rum, utan att jag sa eller gjorde något fel som fick honom att få ett vansinnesutbrott. Jag menar vredesutbrott som saknade all behärskning. Han gjorde mig skräckslagen. I många många år drömde jag mardrömmar om att människor i min närhet plötsligt förvandlades till livsfarliga odjur. Det är inte svårt att hitta källan till de mardrömmarna.

Det var nog hösten 1965 som jag fick en egen nyckel till mitt rum av mamma. Hon gav mig den och sa så här:

”Nu får du den här nyckeln. Den går till ditt rum. Du ska vara noga med att hålla reda på den. När pappa blir arg ska du SKYNDA dig in på ditt rum och LÅSA dörren. Du får INTE öppna dörren vad han än säger eller vad han än gör för då kommer han att SLÅ dig!”

– Kommer han att slå mig? frågade jag

”Ja, tro mig, Han kommer att slå dig. Om du bara visste hur många gånger jag gått emellan när han har försökt att ge dig stryk” sa mamma och suckade.

(Pappa kallade det tips ”juling”. Det kan nog vara norska.)

Starkare

Mamma räddade mitt liv många gånger.

Om mina lärare sett hur snabb jag kunde vara in på mitt rum så hade jag aldrig haft etta i gymnastik.

Det kunde gå veckor innan jag tillbringade tid med familjen. För det mesta hann jag få mat, men bäst av allt var de många kvällskurserna då pappa var kursledare och borta till 9-tiden på kvällen. replica oakleys Då kunde vi leva. När mina småsyskon somnat satt cheap jerseys jag och ritade medan mamma läste en bok. Jag var inte så bra men med mamma blev jag bättre.  Hon såg på mina teckningar och sa ”Du ska komma ihåg att vad andra än säger, så tycker jag alltid om dina teckningar. Jag kommer alltid tycka att du är väldigt duktig”. Eftersom mammas ord var det enda beröm jag  någonsin fick under hela min uppväxt, höll de mig uppe över ytan Wholesale NFL Jerseys så jag kunde dra ännu ett andetag för att överleva ännu en dag.

Minnet av mammas ord gjorde mig starkare då och ännu idag. Jag hade en gång en mamma och det har gjort hela hela skillnaden.

Nyckeln

Att ha en nyckel är också skillnad. I princip varenda dag inträffade något som drev min pappa från vettet och jag låste in mig. Sedan stod jag vid fönstret och lyssnade när han bultade på dörren och med mörk och hotfull röst försökte förmå mig att lyda.  ”ÖPPNA! ÖPPNA DÖRREN!” Han slog på dörren och jag stod vid fönstret beredd på att ta mig ut om dörren skulle gå sönder. Jag ställde alltid mina skor under fönstret så jag skulle ha något på fötterna om jag måste fly. Men dörren höll och jag slapp bli slagen.

Så småningom tröttnade han, men jag kunde ju inte gå ut ur rummet, för då satte bråket igång igen.. Värst var det att inte kunna gå på toaletten. Kissnödigheten höll mig vaken. När jag smög mig ut efter midnatt kunde jag kvalat in som inbrottstjuv. Jag är fortfarande väldigt bra på att ta mig fram tyst om det behövs. Jag är heller inte rädd för mörker. För mig är mörkret ett skydd.

Mot bakgrund av allt det här var det skönt när jag kunde inleda försäljning av jultidningar igen. Jag var ute varenda kväll, hur sent som helst.

Jag längtade aldrig hem.

”Those privileged to touch the lives of children
should constantly be aware that their impact on a single child
may affect a multitude of others a thousand years from now.”/okänd

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Sommaren 1965

Min lillasyster föddes på sportlovet. 2017-01-22 Det var en tisdag då jag vaknade upp och fick höra att hon kommit. Jag hade önskat mig en lillasyster och kände mig allsmäktig. Först fick jag den bror jag ville ha, sedan kom nästa som jag också beställt.

Mamma var mycket trött, men hon blev inte sjuk den här gången. Den 2 maj fyllde mamma 45 och min syster var lite drygt tre månader. Mamma brukade sy mina klänningar och annat jag behövde, men det här året bad hon pappa köpa en färdig examensklänning när han skulle åka på skolresa med sin klass.

Pappa kom hem cheap jerseys med en klänning som var ljust gul-vit i smala spetsränder. Som dekoration i midjan satt två diamantknappar. Det var den elegantaste klänning jag någonsin ägt. Det var en en vuxen damklänning i storlek 38, som mamma fållade upp så den skulle ray ban sunglasses passa mig. Den kostade 100 kr år 1965.

Lillasyster

Det var mycket spännande att få en liten syster och jag var oerhört stolt över henne. Vår grannfru som undervisade flickorna i nionde klass i barnkunskp fick låna min lillasyster när jag var i skolan. N’är jag kom hem och fick höra det blev jag rätt arg. Det kändes som om de tagit något ifrån mig.

– Ni får aldrig mer låna ut min cheap oakleys syster! Hon är MIN! Behöver tant S.  en baby i skolan får hon skaffa sig en själv, påpekade jag svartsjukt.

Jag bevakade min syster som en hök och älskade henne över alla gränser. Hon var otroligt söt.

I maj samma år fick vi en liten svart kattunge som döptes till Måns. Det blev min katt. Måns var ingen vanlig bondkatt. Han var en kvarts siames och pratade med långa intensiva jamanden. Dessutom ville han vara nära mig jämt. Jag som var helt svältfödd på kärlek och närhet, fick inte bara ett husdjur utan en vän som älskade mig utan förbehåll.  De långa ensamma timmarna på mitt rum fylldes plötsligt av liv. När jag låg och läste på min säng hoppade Måns  upp och dök upp framför min bok för att stryka sig mot mitt ansikte.  Jag som inte fått en kram på flera år hade äntligen någon som valde mig och var nära.

Lycklig sommar

Sommaren i Gillberga blev lycklig. Min lillasyster fick visserligen Röda Hund men den var snabbt avklarad. På midsommardagen döptes hon i Gillberga kyrka. Efteråt var det kaffe och tårta hos mormor på Närbyn. Det är lustigt att tänka på att jag sitter lika nära mormors stora målade porslinsskåp i kväll som jag gjorde den midsommardagen för 50 år sedan.  Ett halvt århundrade. Alla kring bordet är borta utom min lillasyster, min lillebror och jag.

Sedan några år tillbaka hyrde  vi Bygninga, huvudbyggnaden till en gammal gård i Rotvik, i närheten av sjön Botungen där min pappa sommaren 1965 byggde båthuset som han rodde över sjön. På kvällarna gick vi till Framgården och hämtade mjölk hos Sven och Svea som arrenderade mark och ladugården där de handmjölkade sina kor. Ibland såg vi älgar på Fake Oakleys gärdena runt gården när vi kom hem med mjölken.

Vi badade i den lilla viken invid vägen och mamma brukade använda den allmänna tvättgrytan som stod bakom några buskar. Långa sommardagar lekte vi i vattnet medan mamma tvättade och hängde. Det kändes som om solen sken hela sommaren 1965.

Vi hyrde bara nedervåningen i huset. I köket fanns vedspis och ett kylskåp. En diskbänk utan rinnande vatten och ett stort kallt skafferi. Vatten hämtade mamma i brunnen som låg uppe i slänten ovanför gården. I det största rummet sov pappa. Mamma, min syster och jag delade på två sängar i lilla kammaren. Jag minns inte alls var min bror låg.

Valparna

Om man följde landsvägen lite längre så kom man till Lillspeke på vänster hand. Där bodde Gottfrid, Elin och hennes dotter Karin som var snäll men mycket äldre än jag. De hade kennel och födde upp strävhåriga taxar. Jag gick dit varenda dag och lät de små valparna klättra på mig i hundgården. För mycket av det bästa kan vara alldeles underbart. När de växte till sig och började bitas tog jag paus då och då på taket till hundkojan.

Ibland blev jag bjuden på middag av den snälla tant Elin som hade rött hår och fräknar precis överallt.  När jag kom hem berättade jag för mamma att jag fått löja med äggsås. Men det var gös.

Tvärs över vägen från Lillspeke bodde en flicka hos sin mormor. Hon var 8 år och hade fått flytta till mormor för att de retades med henne i skolan. Hon var nämligen ut som 18. Numer kunde man ha hejdat hennes för tidiga pubertet, men 1965 kunde man bara stå maktlös och se på hur alla kroppsliga vuxentillbehör hamnade på sina rätta ställen. Hon var lika lång som jag och jämngammal med mig, men kändes mycket äldre. I allt hon var betedde hon sig som en vuxen. Hon diskuterade vanliga saker med min mamma som om replica oakleys de varit vuxna som lät mig sitta med vid bordet.

Hennes mormor hade för övrigt varit förlovad med min mammas morbror Artur i sin gröna ungdom, men пятен» det rann ut i sanden så jag fick inte prata om det.

Mellan jag var 7 tills jag var nästan 14  levde jag två liv. Skolterminerna handlade bara om överlevnad från en dag till den andra. Det verkliga livet började med sommarlovet och resan till Gillberga. En plats där jag var som alla andra.

 

 

 

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Det var hösten 1964 som pappa bestämde sig för att göra äppelvin. Harry Edelmans ”Vinboken” införskaffades. Lådvis med äpplen köptes in. Inte en låda utan många. Jag minns hur stapeln med äppellådor nådde högt över mitt huvud.

Alla familjemedlemmar som kunde hantera en kniv kallades in till vinberedningen. Det var alltså pappa, jag och i viss mån mamma som samlades kring fruktbaljorna med äpplen. Varenda äpple synades och skars i bitar. Det tog en evighet. Pappa uppmuntrade mig. ”När du blir tio år ska du få smaka det här vinet”. Jag skulle snart fylla åtta. Tio år kändes lika avlägset som månen. Dessutom hade jag ingen uppfattning om vin överhuvudtaget. Men jag skar mina äpplen, kväll efter kväll. Vinhinkar och så småningom damejeanner fylldes. De senare försågs med jäsrör fyllda med vatten och en spännande ploppande utbröt.

Efter en tid tystnade vinet och alltsammans tappades på flaska. Sedan var det bara att vänta.

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Normalt sett var förekomsten av alkohol minimal hemma hos oss. Varken min mamma eller pappa var någonsin påverkad så det märktes, ens när det var fest. När jag blev äldre fick jag höra historierna från Norge där hembränningsapparaterna stod och puttrade i de flesta hem. Jag fick alltid känslan av att det var spänningen och nyfikenheten som fick folk att tillverka brännvin.  I Fagernes lyckades länsman och min pappa vid ett tillfälle släcka belysningen i större delen av samhället när de skulle testa en ny apparat.

Nu bodde vi i Sysslebäck, fjärran från det vilda Norge och alla hembränningsexperter. Men vi hade vin. Faktum är att pappa tillverkade så mycket vin hösten 1964, att den fake oakleys sista flaskan tömdes på midsommarafton 1980. Livet stormade omkring oss, barn föddes och människor dog. Vi flyttade flera gånger. Men vinet klarade allt och fick genom åren en allt vackrare gyllene färg.

Mina föräldrar hade en glad och trevlig vänkrets där man oftast träffades hemma hos varandra på middagar. Vi barn fick alltid följa med och det gjorde att alla i familjen såg fram emot middagsbjudningarna.

Mat och retorik

När vi själva skulle ha gäster lagade wholesale jerseys mamma mat hela dagen och pappa skrev tal. Han var en talangfull och begåvad talare. Pappa  kunde inte bara hålla tal, utan också skriva långa rim på våra julklappar.  Mamma å sin sida hade redan som 21-åring varit föreståndarinna för två av Sandrews mjölkbarer i Uppsala. Hon var utbildad inom allt som rörde hushåll, inte minst matlagning och kunde trolla fram en festmåltid av nästan vad som helst. Hon var snabb och otålig, så det var bara genom att se på och lyssna som jag lärde mig laga mat. Mamma tyckte inte om när jag experimenterade. Att leka med mat var otänkbart. Om man skulle baka eller laga mat måste det också ätas upp.

Vi hade varken radio eller grammofon.  Däremot hade vi många visböcker. Alla våra gäster var musikaliska.  Jag minns hur jag låg i min säng och lyssnade till deras sånger medan kvällen led mot sitt slut.  Evert Taube, skillingtryck, folkvisor, sjömansvisor…

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Både mamma och pappa kunde sjunga. Ibland när familjen var på bilutflykt eller på väg ner till sommarlivet i Gillberga där mormor bodde, brukade vi cheap jerseys sjunga i bilen. Pappa kom ihåg varenda versrad. Mamma kunde ha varit bättre. Men fiolspelandet på Ingesund och de förhatliga pianolektionerna hon genomled som tonåring hämmade henne bachiller en hel del. Men på våra bilresor sjöng alla med.

Minnet av sångerna, festerna och alla glada gäster i mitt föräldrahem tillhör mina goda barndomsminnen.  Snart skulle sångerna Cheap Jerseys from china tystna och musiken dö ut.

I höstas bestämde jag mig för att göra äppelvin, 50 år efter förra försöket. Min dotter och jag plockade frukt från vilda äppelträd. Jag tog min nyinköpta Edelmans Vinbok, den 41:a upplagan och satte igång. Det är verkligen en helt annan känsla att bereda vin som vuxen. Man kan se en början och ett slut på jobbet.

Vinet är tappat på flaskor. Nu är det bara att vänta.

P.s. Jag fick aldrig smaka vinet som jordan sale tioåring. Lika bra det.

 

 

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Andra klass – Jag börjar knacka dörr

Hösten 1964 började jag andra klass och det som redan var en prövning blev ännu värre. Vi fick en ny fröken. Den väna prästfrun ersattes av fröken G. Sillpuddingskriget togs till en ny nivå, så även mobbingen och utfrysningen. Då har vi ändå inte nämnt förnedringen i klassrummet som förfinades till perfektion under våra två år med fröken G.

Ted Larsson och Ulla Jönsson flyttade. Bosse Larsson och Roger Pedersen kom nya i klassen. Roger var mycket allergisk och bara det gjorde honom ovanlig. Jag hade aldrig hört talas om att vara allergisk förut. Stackars Roger fick 40 sprutor i ryggen för att de skulle se vad han var allergisk mot. Dagen efter satt Lasse på Rogers rygg där han låg och grät i en av rabatterna kring skolhuset. Lasse slog och slog med ett hånflin på läpparna. Vi andra stod runt omkring och såg på. Även jag, medan det gjorde ont i hela mig så synd tyckte jag om Roger. Men precis som alla andra gjorde jag ingenting. Jag var rätt lättad över att de hade någon annan att slå för en gångs skull.

Skvaller

Men mobbningen av Roger gick över. Det gjorde den inte när det gällde mig. Rast efter rast blev jag slagen och hånad. Ingen vuxen syntes till. Fröknarna tillbringade sina raster i lärarrummets värme och skydd. Alla elever var tvungna att gå ut.

En rast var det särskilt svårt och jag smet in i kapprummet. Mina mobbare vågade inte följa efter, så stor var respekten för lärarna. Jag vågade heller inte stanna i kapprummet utan lov, så jag knackade. Fröken G öppnade.

– Vad vill du?!

– Snälla fröken, kan jag få stanna inne? De slår mig så mycket om jag går ut…

Hon tittade på mig med djupt förakt och medan hon tuggade ut munnen sa hon:

– Kom inte här och skvallra!

Så stängde hon dörren.

Och jag vågade inte annat än gå ut. Mina mobbare väntade utanför porten och jublande kastade de sig över mig igen.

Det var en lång rast. När vi gick in igen hade de slitit sönder min mössa, dragit loss mina hårband, som ändå var stadigt inflätade i mina flätor och jag blödde från läppen.

Fröken G kastade inte en blick på mig när vi fick gå in i klassrummet. Jag minns inte cheap nfl jerseys om det var en sillpuddingsdag, för i så fall hände den här misshandeln på förmiddagen. Alla dagar med sillpudding tillbringade jag eftermiddagen i matsalen i väntan på att få åka hem med bussen.

Svarta tavlan

Jag kunde fortfarande inte läsa eller skriva alla bokstäver i alfabetet. Det var jag inte ensam om. Flera av pojkarna var sena med att skriva ordentligt. En av de övningar vi fick var att skriva samma bokstav i varannan ruta på ett helt ark papper. Vi satt i lugn och ro och skrev när fröken G slog ner som en ljungande blixt. Den här gången var hennes offer Mats. Hon slet åt sig han papper och visade upp det för hela klassen:

– Se här vad Mats har gjort istället för att skriva!!!!! Fröken G svepte med pappret runt omkring så alla kunde se.

– Vilken elak, dum och lat pojke du är!

Fröken G kastade pappret på bänken framför Mats.

– Nu skriver du ordentligt i alla rutor!

Mats satt slokörad kvar och försökte göra rätt.

Och vad hade Mats gjort för att hängas ut?

Han hade kanske tröttnat efter att ha skrivit halva pappret. Sedan hade han börjat rita en lite gubbe i de tre nästa rutorna. Det var allt.

Vi kallades fram för att skriva på svarta tavlan med jämna mellanrum. De mer duktiga flickorna fick mycket beröm. Dit hörde inte jag.

– Skriv ”över”!

Jag skrev ”ÖVÖR”.

– Fel! Gör om det igen!

Jag suddade ut och eftersom jag inte visste  vad som var fel skrev jag ”ÖVÖR” igen.

– Men SER du inte att det är FEL?! Gör om det igen!

Och jag gjorde om det igen.

Efter fyra nya felskrivningar krökte fröken G hånfullt på sina fylliga läppar och vände sig till klassen:

– Kan någon komma upp och visa henne hur det ska stavas?

Jag minns inte vilken flicka som fick chansen att briljera, men jag minns att det var rättstavat.

Jag fick gå ner och sätta mig igen.

Men varför jag inte kunde stava var det ingen som brydde sig om.

X – en gång och aldrig mer

Jag hatade inte räkning förrän min pappa skulle hjälpa mig med läxan och bestämde sig för att jag skulle lära mig att räkna med X. Första räkneläxan någonsin. Jag förstod ingenting. Men inte en enda gång mer fick han se skymten av mina läxor, aldrig mer i hela mitt liv. Jag hade hellre bränt upp både räkneböcker och alla andra läxböcker än att låta honom ”hjälpa” mig igen.

Han insats födde en livslång motvilja mot matematik, rättare sagt drabbades jag av det man nu för tiden kallar ”Matte-ångest”. Jag är hur snabb som helst när det gäller huvudräkning. Jag kan läsa ritningar, formler, recept, mått och omvandlingstabeller.., Kort sagt kan jag det mesta man behöver för att klara sig, inte minst efter tio år på laboratorium.  Men jag hatar matte ändå.

Familjens ekonomi balanserade som alltid mellan fattigdom och ruin hösten 1964. Det var mot den bakgrunden mamma insåg att jag behövde tjäna egna pengar.

– Det skulle vara bra om du kunde få lite pengar. Vill du sälja jultidningar? frågade mamma.

Jag som fortfarande inte kunde läsa hade inga begrepp om vad det innebar. Men sa ja, som så ofta i mitt liv när jag inte haft en aning.

Jag var ju redan självständig och modig. Så varför oakley outlet inte självförsörjande också?

Så mamma ringde Åhlén & Åkerlunds förlag. Jag fick dispens som åttaåring för att sälja jultidningar.

– Egentligen måste man vara 10 år, men jag sa att du är ovanligt duktig för din ålder, förklarade mamma uppfordrande.

Ja, vem kunde protestera mot det omdömet?

Knacka dörr

Så jag tog mina kataloger och började knacka dörr. Vi bodde ganska långt jordan sale söderut i Sysslebäck. Jag gick efter stora vägen i timmar varje kväll. Först åt ena hållet. Från Kvistberget och fram till vägen mot Vindängsjön. Det låg bondgårdar och gamla hus efter hela vägen. Jag passerade Mogrens Järnhandel, Konsum i gula huset med torn på vänster sida och sedan Larssons handel på höger sida, hela vägen fram till stora backen där vägen till Vindängsjön gick in. Sedan tillbaka igen.

Det var ungefär 4 km fram och tillbaka mellan Kvistberget och vägen till Vindängsjön. Åt andra hållet var det närmare 7.8 km enkel väg till andra sidan Klarabro. Alltså nästan 16 km fram och tillbaka hem. Det var långt.

Jag gick inte hela sträckan på en kväll, utan delade upp den i mindre bitar. Jag gick och knackade i alla hus på ena sidan och tillbaka knackade jag på resten av husen. Ofta var de en bit in från vägen och jag gick till alla.

Det var mest gamla bondgårdar och äldre hus söderöver. Där det numer är igenväxt eller nya villor var det öppna ängar nästan överallt. Norröver var det mer tätbefolkat. Min rutt gick genom centrum och utefter stora vägen, förbi Folkets Park och vidare mot Skyllbäck. Jag gick så länge det fanns hus att knacka på.

Det tog tid att gå och det var mörkt. Men jag hade reflexer och uthållighet. oakley outlet Ofta var klockan närmare 22 när jag var hemma igen. Kväll efter kväll.

När jultidningarna kom delade mamma upp dem efter beställningarna. Sedan slog hon in varje beställning i brunt omslagspapper, skrev namn och adress på varje paket och vad de skulle betala. Hon skrev med olika pennor och färger, varierade skrivstil eller tryckbokstäver. Sedan fick jag lära mig alltsammans utantill, för jag kunde ju inte läsa. Men räkna pengar lärde jag mig tidigt.

Så här ser det ut 2015:

Här vände jag vid vägen till Vindängsjön och gick hemåt igen. Det var fortfarande vänstertrafik så jag gick och knackade på höger sidan hem.

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I det vita huset låg Larssons Handel. När jag var liten var huset grått, dörren var på mitten med två stora skyltfönster på båda sidor om dörren.

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Här rakt fram låg Mogrens järnhandel och till vänster, ungefär där bilen är parkerad bakom ”Fiske”-skylten oakley outlet låg Sol-kiosken. Till höger om affären skymtar gaveln på Nedergårdens uthus, där jag fick se skinnen av killingarna.
Jag gick alltså till Sol-kiosken längs foten av kullen där Cottage de gamla magasinshusen låg när jag skulle köpa cigaretter till mamma. Det röda huset på kullen kan vara Frälsningsarméns f.d. samlingslokal ”Klippan”. Det gula huset ligger där de röda stora magasinshusen började.

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Det tog tre år innan jag hade sparat ihop till mina första egna möbler. Jag hade 12 öre per krona i provision. I januari 1967 köpte jag ett toalettbord med tillhörande blommig stol för 425 kr. Som jämförelse ska nämnas att man fick en trea för samma hyra per månad i en halvstor stad. Det var en enorm summa pengar för en tioåring.

Jag har både stolen och toalettbordet kvar.

 

 

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Sillpuddingen och rasterna

Min bänk var placerad allra längst ner i klassrummet, som en liten ö för sig själv. Det blev en del flyttande innan alla fått rätt höjd på sina bänkar. Det fanns lite olika höjder att välja på.

Anita var längst av alla. Hon hade rött hår och en blåtira första skoldagen. Inggun var kort med blonda lockar som slutade i öronhöjd. Ylva hade axellångt cendre hår med mittbena. Ulla var blek, blond smal och späd. Eva var lite mörkare och hade glasögon. Karin var smal, smidig och mycket söt.

Lasse var lång, blond, bleka ögon och snaggad. Mats var rätt liten, med ljust hår och vattenkammad hellugg. Bosse P hade en blå bag som skolväska, han var kortklippt med lockig lugg och vänliga mellanblå ögon. Ted hade oakley outlet ett gammalt utseende redan som barn, blå ögon och vita ögonfransar. Stig var blond och hade glasögon med kraftiga svarta bågar. Olle var liten och tjock, med mörkt hår och massor av fräknar. Han hade nära till skolan, bodde i backen mellan busshållplatsen och skolan.

Fet och klumpig

Så var det jag, med mina ljusa flätor och lite tjock. När jag började skolan var jag 131 cm lång och vägde 31 kg. Jag kunde varken skriva mitt namn eller äta med kniv och gaffel. Vi hade ingen TV men radio när jag var 7 år. Min vänstra fot vred sig utåt, jag hade svårt att springa och dålig balans. Jag var inte van Fake Oakleys att umgås i grupp eller med okända människor. Vår fröken var 27 år och prästfru med två små pojkar.  Jag minns inte alls vad hon hette.

Osäkert såg jag mig omkring där jag satt i min bänk.

Kvällen innan hade mamma sagt så här:

– De sa att mammorna kunde få följa med första dagen om de ville. Men jag tänker inte följa med dig. Du kommer ju ändå att få gå till skolan ensam i fortsättningen, så det är väl ingen idé att jag följer med dig i morgon heller. Du klarar dig!

Alla andra hade med sig någon. De flesta hade sina mammor och någon enda hade sin mormor.  Alla ropades upp och skulle svara ordentligt med sitt namn. Fröken noterade i sin bok.

Just nu sviker mig minnet. För det jag minns är att vi fick klä av oss i bara underkläderna för att vägas och mätas. Men det kan väl inte ha varit så vansinnigt att det skedde första dagen? Men var det inte allra första dagen, så ägde det rum bara några dagar senare.

Fortfarande tacksam

Mammorna skulle följa med igen, alltså alla andras.  Vi fick klä av oss i linne och underbyxor/kalsonger, stående bredvid bänkarna i klassrummet. Så vägdes vi och mättes. Kanske hade vi med oss en burk med urinprov hemifrån. När vi var klara skulle vi klä på oss. Och det var då alla mammorna såg att jag inte visste hur man gjorde. Jag hade inte klätt på mig en enda gång i hela mitt liv.

Mamma hade inte tid och wholesale nfl jerseys tålamod att vänta på att jag äntligen skulle bli klar, så hon klädde på mig som en swisch. Jag bara stod där och kläderna flög på mig, utan jag visste ens hur det hände, så snabb var hon. Nu stod jag där i klassrummet, utan att ens veta i vilken ordning kläderna skulle sättas på. Men Ullas mamma stod inte bara och tittade. Hon hjälpte mig och jag är faktiskt tacksam än idag. Hade det inte varit för henne hade jag fått stå där med skammen. Det var hemskt nog ändå.

Mamma fortsatte swischa på mig kläderna varenda morgon tills jag gick i trean.  Sedan flätade hon mitt hår, medan jag drack choklad och lyssnade på ”Småbarnskvarten” på radion.

Vackert skolhus

Hade det inte varit så ångestframkallande att plötsligt hamna i skolan så kunde jag ha sett att det var ett vackert hus med klassrum i vardera änden. I mitten låg lärarbostaden, med blåsippor i rabatten.  Gaveln där mitt och treans klassrum låg var närmast backen. Mitt emot skolporten fanns en röd länga med förråd och i källaren låg skoltoaletterna. Träsitsar som täckte bara den del av porslinet och en kedja med spoltank ovanför.

Trädgården som låg på andra sidan av den stora grusplanen och baksidan på skolan tillhörde lärarfamiljen som bodde i huset. Vi skolbarn fick inte vara där alls. Men jag minns att Ulla fick specialtillåtelse att springa på baksidan ett par dagar, efter att hon varit hemma med magsjuka. Fröken förklarade för hela klassen ray bans ale varför och la till att det bara var Ulla som fick gå på baksidan och att ingen fick reta henne om hon skulle få ont i magen.

Så började rasterna. Alla måste gå ut. Jag stod i ett hörn högst upp på trappan bredvid dörren och väntade på att rasten skulle ta slut. Omkring mig var ett vacuum. Men strax intill formerades grupperna. De såg på Film mig och viskade.

IMG_7088

 

Här är trappan, men den såg inte så idyllisk ut som på bilden. Den saknade tak och hade metallräcken.

Jag tror att jag fick vara ifred första rasten. Mitt på dagen marscherade vi längs framsidan av skolan bort till andra gaveln där matsalen låg. Där fanns den mycket snälla tant Ellen som lagade mat och bredde smörgåsar.

Jag hade aldrig druckit ur en rostfri mugg förut, men nu var det vad som fanns. Mjölken kändes extra kall och det var härligt. Vad som var mindre härligt var skolmaten. Och värst av allt var sillpuddingen. Urvattnade sillfiléer varvade med skivad potatis i en långpanna. Det blev pudding då man hällde över äggvita, som kallades äggstanning. Så skjuts in i ugnen och ut igen för att serveras till småbarn mellan 7-9 år.

Sillpuddingen

Efter en enda liten tugga bestämde mig för att aldrig äta sillpudding mer i hela mitt liv. Och hade jag inte varit så liten hade det varit en sak för FN:s säkerhetsråd. Eller deportering till Sibiriens arbetsläger. Eller tigerburarna i Vietnam. Men eftersom det var frågan om en sjuåring wholesale nfl jerseys i en liten småskola i Finnskoga -Dalby rektorsområde så lyftes det bara till rektorsnivå. Och det hamnade på rektorsnivå för att denna svaga man med titeln rektor hade makt över min pappa.

Rektorn hade ett allvarssamtal med min pappa, som kom hem till middagen och berättade att rektorn hälsade till mig. Rektorn hade förståelse för att alla barn inte tyckte om all mat men genom att jag så ihärdigt vägrade äta sillpudding så var jag ett dåligt föredöme för de övriga barnen. Underförstått, de som inte hade lyckan Cheap Football Jerseys att vara barn till lärare och andra högtstående varelser inom hans befogenhetsområde.

Vi såg på varandra mina föräldrar och jag.

fake oakleys Äggstanning är ingen mat för barn, sa mamma.

Och så var det inget mer med det. Och trots att det innebar problem för min pappa på jobbet att jag trotsade rektorns order så var vi eniga i alla tysthet. Och jag har än i denna dag aldrig mer ätit sillpudding.

Aldrig mer

Det innebar också att jag tillbringade flera timmar  matsalen varje gång det var sillpudding. Jag fick inte lämna matsalen om jag inte åt upp maten. Men den som klarat skogen, älven och bergen, för att inte tala om mörkret, alldeles ensam viker sig inte så lätt. Jag satt framför den dallrande sillpuddingen tills läraren måste släppa iväg mig för att jag skulle hinna med bussen vid 15-16 tiden. I tre år.

Och den enda effekt rektorns ingripande hade på mig var att jag förlorade all respekt för auktoriteter, för resten av mitt liv. Men vägran att äta all skolmat var ytterligare något som skilde ut mig från de andra.

Varje dag fick jag höra att jag var ful, tjock och motbjudande. Mamma stickade fantastiska tröjor med norskt mönster. Hon stickade både vantar och mössor. Som slets sönder av mobben. Jag knuffades in i väggar, dörrar och bänkar. Jag fick aldrig ens bara vara ensam, utan kommentarer och angrepp. Jag var fritt villebråd för hela skolan, utom flickorna i min egen klass och en eller annan pojke. Men de som inte mobbade vågade varken ingripa, försvara mig eller ens stå kvar när plågoandrarna närmade sig.

Självförsvar

Mamma, som själv kom från ett hem där hon fick stryk och var ”retad” i skolan försökte lära mig att slåss. På riktigt. Hon visade mig hur man skulle slå för att det skulle göra throwback nba jerseys så ont som möjligt och samtidigt inte synas efteråt.

– Använd armbågen, det tar bra. Om du håller med ena handen så här och hjälper till så blir du stark, förklarade mamma när hon skulle lära mig självförsvar.

– Jag KAN inte , sa jag alldeles förtvivlad.

– Varför kan du inte? frågade mamma.

– Jag kan inte slå tillbaka, för jag vet ju hur ont det gör! svarade jag och grät över min bristande försvarsinstinkt.

Mamma tyckte jag var hopplös. Jag tyckte hon hade rätt. Men bara tanken på hårda armbågar in i mjukt kött gjorde mig illamående.

Men de här tre åren var bara en uppvärmning.

På bilden är jag ungefär 7 år. Det är den enda färgbild som finns av mig under hela min barndom. Det är sommaren 1964.  Bakom mig har jag ett skolår där hela mitt självförtroende utplånas bit för bit. Men ännu hatar jag inte mig själv så mycket som längre fram.

 

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Att vara eller inte vara Emo…

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Dottern släntrade närmare och rufsade cheap oakley sunglasses mig lite i håret.

– Då Pharmacie måste du bli cheap oakley sunglasses en Cheap Jerseys fjortis först, sa hon.

– Va?! Varför det?, undrade jag.

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Det var väl ungefär då jag slutade göra fjortis-tester.

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Tretton i klassen

Jag såg mycket fram emot att börja skolan. Eva som var två år äldre, började skolan hösten 1961 och var hur mallig som helst. För min inre syn såg jag hur hon fick stå på kryss och deklamera verser med jämna mellanrum. Dessutom hade hon en fröken och skolväska. Själv var jag kvar hemma och vandrade omkring som vanligt i skogen, upp i berget och längs älven.

Sensommaren 1963 tillbringade jag kvällarna med att rita teckningar om att börja skolan. Jag ritade aldrig människor, jag ritade alltid djur. Jag ritade katten när han var på väg till skolan, med ryggsäck och mössa. Jag ritade saker han kunde gör på vägen dit skolan. Som att hoppa hage.

När jag tänkte på allt jag skulle få se och göra kände jag mig varm och glad.

Kvällen innan första skoldagen var mamma och pappa på föräldramöte, där de fick se klassrummen för första gången. Mamma väckte mig när de kom hem. Hon berättade hur det såg ut, om svarta tavlan, alla planscherna och skolbänkarna.

– Det finns en stor kulram med kulor i olika färger som man lär sig att räkna på, förklarade mamma.

Det fanns inga gränser för allt spännande och härligt som skolan inrymde. Jag somnade om, förväntansfull.

Första skoldagen

Morgonen grydde. Mamma borstade och flätade mitt hår. Jag fick choklad och smörgås. Så tog jag min rödrutiga skolväska och gick nerför backen till bussarnas vändplats för första gången.

Bussen kom, alla trängdes men så småningom var vi på väg. Tidigare hade småskolan varit inrymd i Hole skola, rakt nedanför Kvistberget, men nu var det bestämt att lågstadiet skulle gå i Skyllbäcks skola på andra sidan Sysslebäck. Bussen stannade nere vid affären på hörnet, mitt emot hängbron. Sedan fick vi gå uppför den branta  backen till skolan.

IMG_7088

 

Teckningarna ovan kommer från Elise Lindow-Agnarssons böcker om sin egen uppväxt i Sysslebäck under första delen av 1900-talet. Jag började skolan i Skyllbäck, precis som Elise och hennes syskon. Mitt klassrum är till vänster på bilden. Till höger har Elise tecknat av hängbron som gick över älven just där bussarna stannade.

Ettornas klassrum låg till vänster när man kom in genom porten. Mitt emot var tredje klass, där Eva gick. I hallen var långa rader med klädkrokar, under dem fanns bänkar och  längst bort låg dörren till lärarrum och förråd. Vill vänster långt ner fanns också en dricksvattenfontän.

Vi fick ställa oss på ett långt led och marschera in i klassrummet. Där stod bänkarna två och två. Fröken placerade ut barnen, par om par. De flesta kände redan varandra. Jag hade aldrig träffat någon av dem. Det var Anita Larsson och Inggun Karlsson, Ylva Berglund och Ulla Jönsson, Eva Östberg och Karin Larsson, Olle Stenström och Lasse Persson (?), Bosse Persson och Mats Persson, Stig Larsson (?) och Ted Larsson. De sattes par om par. Så var det en ensam bänk kvar. Där sattes jag, som nummer 13 i klassen.

En bit bort

Den placeringen behöll jag symboliskt, inte bara resten av min skoltid, utan genom livets alla skiften. Den dag som idag är, när jag sitter här medan solen stiger allt högre och fåglarna sjunger utanför, är jag för alltid nummer 13.

Ensam, en bit bort från alla andra.

Precis som då, händer det att jag bjuds in att dela andras liv en stund. Men inte ens då jag var gift var jag en naturlig del av gemenskapen. För det mesta iakttar jag andras liv. Jag lyssnar till livet, mycket mer än lever ett liv.

Jag kan helt enkelt inte tolka de små signalerna, som jag vet är grunden för att kunna fungera riktigt bra i en grupp. Jag hade ett normalt liv som riktigt liten, med mamma och pappa, fast han jobbade jämt. Men att flytta till Sverige var att hamna utanför. När jag sedan som fyraåring lämnades ensam dagar och veckor, utan något annat sällskap än mitt eget tror jag något gick sönder.

Att socialiseras

När mamma väl kom hem hade jag slutat att kramas. Jag minns exakt hur många kramar jag fick under resten av min uppväxt. Ingen. När jag som 8-åring fick mitt första armbandsur i julklapp uppmanade mamma mig att ge pappa en kram. Jag la armarna runt hans hals, han bara satt där. Och så var det bra med det.

För att kunna umgås med andra måste man vara med andra och se hur de gör. När det gäller hundvalpar heter det att socialisera dem. Alla uppfödare vet att man måste hantera sina djur från att de är små, för att de ska lära sig att slappna av och våga ha fysisk kontakt.

Äckligt

Ingen hanterade mig. Jag fick aldrig en kram, aldrig sitta i knä och cheap nfl jerseys det var bara när jag nästan skar av mig tummen som hösten 1961 fake oakleys som jag fick bandage. Men ingen tog mig till läkare. Inte heller när jag försökte stå på händer i sängen, vippade åt sidan och slog kanten av foten i en stol. Jag kunde inte gå på en vecka cheap oakley sunglasses och var blå från midjan ända ner ut på lilltån. Eller när jag halkade och slog i ett hörn i hallen så att lillfingret bröts utåt i 90 graders vinkel. Jag blödde inte så det blev inget bandage. Eller läkarbesök. Min hand svullnade upp så jag inte kunde röra fingrarna.

Det gjorde också att jag inte fick sitta med och äta vid matbordet, rätt länge.

När jag försiktigt la min högra hand på bordet bredvid min tallrik och började äta med vänster hand gjorde pappa en äcklad min.

– Det ser ju ut som en fågelklo!

Mamma som alltid ville vara pappa till lags sa till mig att gå från bordet.

– Pappa tycker det cheap oakleys ser äckligt ut. Skynda dig att gå från bordet!

Och jag reste mig utan protest. Jag såg äcklig ut Check Out Your URL. Jag höll upp min högra hand med hjälp av den vänstra. Det gjorde så ont om den skadade hängde ner.

När alla hade ätit färdigt fick jag komma fram och få min mat.

Ensam

Tills jag var 14 år såg mitt liv i stort sett ut så här:

När jag inte var ute ensam, var jag på mitt rum ensam.

Det var med stora förväntningar jag gick till skolan första dagen.

Jag borde ha tagit livet av mig i stället.

På bilden är jag sju år. Jag har mitt livs första examensklänning, i rosa, grått och vitt. Mamma har sytt den, fast hon hatar att sy. I håret har jag ett brett rosa band köpt hos Larssons Handel i Sysslebäck. Runt halsen har jag det kors som mammas faster Rut fick i konfirmationspresent då hon konfirmerades 1907 i Tiflis, Ryssland  (Tbilisi, huvudstad i nuvarande Georgien).

 

 

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‘Bleed for This’ is great movie tell story about The inspirational story of World Champion Boxer Vinny Pazienza, who after a near fatal car crash, which left him not knowing if he’d ever walk again, made one of sports most incredible comebacks. This film have genre Drama and have 116 minutes runtime.

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Christine Evangelista as Ashley, Miles Teller as Vinny Pazienza, Ciarán Hinds as Angelo Pazienza, Ted Levine as Lou Duva, Katey Sagal as Louise Pazienza, Aaron Eckhart as Kevin Rooney.

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The Director of this film is Ben Younger. The movie Bleed for This is produced by Verdi Productions, Sikelia Productions, Bruce Cohen Productions, Younger Than You and released in November 04, 2016

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Bleed for This have some similar movie, Million Dollar Baby, Unbroken, Creed, Rocky, Eddie the Eagle, Raging Bull

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Dag Hammarskjöld

I september 1961, natten mellan den 17 och 18 befann sig Dag Hammarskjöld på ett litet flygplan, på väg till ett möte med Tshombe i Nordrhodesia (nuvarande Zambia).  Totalt fanns 15 personer ombord, förutom den svenska besättningen. Strax innan landning störtade planet och samtliga omkom, förutom en amerikansk sergeant som dog i sviterna från olyckan några dagar senare.

Dag Hammarskjöld fick en TV-sänd stadsbegravning i slutet av september och gravsattes den 29 september 1961 i Uppsala.

Vem är det?

Allt det här gick mig spårlöst förbi. Dels hade vi varken TV eller radio, dels hade jag fyllt fem år exakt 15 dagar innan planet med Hammarskjöld störtade.

Så kom den dag då mina föräldrar samlades kring en kartongbit med ett mynt som anlänt per post. Jag såg upp på deras allvarliga ansikten och frågade vad det var.

–  Det är Dag Hammarskjölds minnesmynt, svarade mamma och suckade.

Pappa sa ingenting.

– Vem är det? frågade jag

– Vet du inte det?! frågade mamma med skärpa i rösten och fortsatte:

– Han var ju FN:s Generalsekreterare!

Det kändes i magen att jag borde ha vetat vem han var. Jag glömde det aldrig.

Den största dagen

Längre fram i livet har jag känt samma skam när jag plötsligt fått veta att någon gjort något fantastisk under lång tid och jag som inte gjort något speciellt alls, inte ens vetat vem de är.

Det är så svårt att förklara, men att åtminstone minnas deras namn blir ett sätt att hedra deras gärningar. Det är dessutom en nyttig påminnelse.

Den dag då du står på din absoluta topp, vare sig det är professionellt eller privat. Den dag då du lyser starkast av alla och får dina 15 minuter i strålkastarljuset. Just den dagen finns det tusentals andra som gör en större insats än du någonsin kommer uppnå. Och de gör det igen nästa dag. I tysthet, utan en tanke på vare sig hyllningar eller någon som nämner deras namn.

Har du hört talas om Asfaw Yemiru?

Nu har du det.

Glöm inte hans namn heller.

 

Fotot av Dag Hammarskjöld är taget i FN-huset New York 1959

Bild från http://www.dh100.se Källa: UN / DPI * Källa: webbplats [ http://www.dh100.se dh100.se], som drivs av ”Svenska FN-förbundet

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Mörkervandring augusti 1961

När mamma hade kommit hem wholesale Jerseys från sjukhuset och min lillebror kommit tillbaka blev det enklare. Dörren var öppen, det fanns mat hela tiden och jag kunde stanna inne om det var kallt. Jag behövde inte gå ute hela dagen, i samma kläder.

Juli försvann och i takt med att sommaren gick blev det allt mörkare på kvällarna. Vi var framme i augusti när mamma bestämde sig för att det var dags att lära mig att vara ensam i mörkret. Utomhus. Jag var ju redan självständig. Nu var det dags att bli modig.

– Jag vill inte att du ska bli mörkrädd så jag tänkte att i kväll får du gå till kiosken och köpa cigaretter. Du får ta ficklampan, sa mamma vänligt och log innan hon stängde fönstret. Jag stod kvar på gräsmattan i den kalla skuggan och tog in vad som väntade.

Mörkervandring

Dagen gick och kvällen kom. När det var absolut kolsvart ute utrustade mamma mig med pengar och ficklampa. Gatlyktorna kantade vägen från skolan, fortsatte nerför backen och slutade vid korsningen där vägarna från skogen och skolan möttes nedanför vårt hus. Den väg jag måste gå för att komma till kiosken gick rakt fram över korsningen och var helt mörklagd. En skarp gräns skilde mörkret från ljuset. Alldeles på andra sidan korsningen, i mörkret låg en liten glänta bland buskarna. Där brukade fyllhundarna, alltså områdets alkoholister sitta och supa.

– Nu ska du inte vara rädd, för det finns ingenting i mörkret som är farligt, sa mamma och fortsatte:

– Om det är några som dricker öl där nere, ska du inte bli rädd. De är ju bara lite fulla, inte farliga. ”Peje” såg jag härom dagen när han dansade runt en låda med öl. Han vet inte vad han gör, så det är inte farligt, avslutade hon och föste ut mig genom ytterdörren.

Låt mig påpeka att min mamma hade en bakgrund i restaurangbranschen och var van att hantera fulla gubbar.

Magasinet

Jag började gå nedför backen och närmade mig korsningen. När jag gick in i mörkret tände jag ficklampan. Jag vågade bara lysa rakt framför mina fötter för att inte dra uppmärksamheten till mig. Det var tyst på fyllhundarnas festplats. Jag gick vidare. På vänster sida hade jag skogen som en ogenomtränglig mur. På höger sida kom jag fram till ett gammalt sandtag där man grävt ut en del av wholesale Jerseys kullen där Frälsningsarmén och Tidlunds garage var placerade på toppen.

Vid en hög buske tog jag av till höger för att snedda längs stigen genom gräset. På dagen när solen sken fanns två stora myrvägar som korsade stigen. Nu var det mörkt, kallt och fuktigt. Inte ens myrorna ville vara ute i mörkret.

Jag närmade mig gaveln på ett stort, långt gammalt magasin. Man kunde ta till höger och följa vägen som gick längs magasinets baksida. Då kom man så småningom fram till en liten lägenhet högt upp under takåsarna vid andra gaveln. Men dit skulle inte jag.

Min stig gick på framsidan av magasinet. På snabba fötter skyndade jag mig förbi gapande fönster utan glas och halvöppna dörrar som gnisslade i nattbrisen från älven. Bakom varje dörr lurade det okända. Runt omkring mig ruvade skogen, bergen och tystnaden, avbruten endast av ljuden från det jättelika magasinet. Långt borta kunde jag ana älven.

Modig

Väl framme vid Sol-kiosken öppnade jag dörren och klev in i människornas värld igen. Mamma hade skrivit en lapp med vad jag skulle ha. När jag väl fått mina cigaretter av märket Ritz (utan filter) begav jag mig hem igen, samma väg.

Jag fick mycket beröm av mamma för att jag varit modig och duktig. Det kunde jag vara värd. Det var fortfarande en månad kvar tills jag skulle fylla fem år.

————————————————————————————–

Foto av Aleksander Markin under licensen cc-by-sa-2.0.

Jag har lånat bilden på Wikimedia Commons på villkor att jag uppger ovanstående.

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Title : Aftermath.
Director : Elliott Lester
Release : April 06, 2017
Language : en.
Runtime : 92 min
Genre : Thriller, Drama.

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‘Aftermath’ is great film tell story about Based on the airline accident that occurred in July of 2002 and on the events that took place 478 days later. This film have genre Thriller, Drama and have 92 minutes runtime.

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Hannah Ware as Tessa, Maggie Grace as Christina, Mariana Klaveno as Eve Sanders, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Roman, Scoot McNairy as Paul Bonanos, Kevin Zegers as John Gullick.

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The Director of this movie is Elliott Lester. The movie Aftermath is produced by Union Editorial, Oak Productions, Pacific View Management, thefyzz, Ingenious Media, Protozoa Pictures, Hat and Cat Productions, Emmett Furla Oasis Films (EFO Films) and released in April 06, 2017.

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När mamma kom hem igen

Det tog ytterligare ett par veckor, sedan kom min moster Mona och hennes familj och räddade mig. Morbror Björn fick semester 1 juli och hela familjen kom i en liten folkvagnsbubbla.

Jag stod på trappan och tog emot dem. Under åren som kom skulle Björn народу många gånger beskriva hur jag stod där på trappan ”som en liten husmor och vred dina händer”.

– Jag är ledsen att det inte är städat, sa jag.

Jag visste hur det borde ha sett ut, fast pappa hade dukat med våra finaste kaffekoppar.  Mamma hade alltid dukar på alla bord, även på matbordet. Våra sängar var alltid bäddade med spetsprydda lakan, som först kokats i vedeldad tvättgryta i källaren, sedan fått torka ute året runt. Sedan strök och rullade hon dem hårt. Hon hade sängkläder till 18 sängar. I Norge hade vi haft inneboende Sell av och till. Männen som skickades till pappas wholesale jerseys skyddade verkstad kom långväga ifrån.

I alla fönster stod blommor, bland annat en 45-årig Clivia och en jättelik Gardenia. För mig är doften av gardenia förknippad med mamma.

Mamma 

I vilket fall som helst kom Mona, Björn och mina kusiner Agneta 15 år  och Ylva 11 år. Det var slut med mina ensamma vandringar för den här gången.  Vi for runt i deras bil och såg oss om i dalen. Pappa for och hälsade på mamma. Jag sov dåligt den natten. Alla trodde jag grät efter pappa. Men jag grät för jag hade tandvärk. Jag hade ingen tandborste efter nästan ett år i Sverige, där det fanns massor av godis.  Inte förrän tre år senare hamnade jag hos en tandläkare som drog ut allt han kunde och lagade resten.

Jag fick följa med och hämta mamma den 9 juli 1961. Det var ungefär fem veckor sedan hon försvann och tog min lillebror med sig. Vi reste hur länge som helst och kom fram till ett jättelikt hus. Uppför trappan och öppnade dörren. Där stod mamma och skrattade. Hon lyfte upp mig och kramade mig.

Men jag kände ingenting. Jag hade vant mig av med mamma. Jag hade vant mig av med kramar. Det kändes genant att bli kramad bland alla människor. När hon släppt ner mig kom de med en glad bebis som de sa var lillebror. Jaså.

Vi åkte hem igen. Mamma pratade hela vägen hem.

Självständig

Alla var glada. Jag kände ingenting. Jag var nöjd över att ytterdörren inte var låst längre. Och att få äta pannkakor med händerna. Men den nya saken ketchup var verkligen äcklig.

När mamma märkte att jag drog mig undan fick jag beröm för jag var så självständig.  Hon behöver inte ens sitta i knä längre, konstaterade mamma glatt. Jag var bara 4 år så jag hade inga ord för att förklara hur ensam jag hade varit, hur hungrig jag var hela dagarna eller hur det kändes att stå utanför den låsta dörren.

Jag kunde inte heller förklara att jag visst ville sitta i knä, att ingen hade kramat mig på länge eller att jag hade ont i tänderna hela tiden. Och ingen talade om för mig varför mamma försvann på natten när jag sov för så länge sedan.

Jag sa aldrig hur rädd jag var för koflocken. Eller hur långt jag brukade gå nere efter älven. Eller att jag aldrig hade gått upp till skolan och frågat efter pappa.

Ingenting av allt det där sa jag. För jag hade inte så många ord när jag var fyra år. Ingen frågade heller.  Alla nöjde sig med att jag överlevt sommaren.

På bilden är det jag som kikar på min lillebror i mormors knä, sommaren 1961

 

 

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Klarälven, katterna och havet

När Frälsningsarmen var avklarad sattes jag på trappan igen morgonen därpå och pappa gick till jobbet. Jag bestämde mig för att titta närmare på älven. Jag gick nerför backen och svängde till höger. Fortsatte förbi kullen med Frälsningsarmens hus ”Klippan” och passerade ett tattarhem på vänster och ett vanligt på höger. Framme vid landsvägen gick jag över asfalten och in mellan uthusen. Nu befann jag mig på älvbrinken.

Svart, snabb och iskall banade sig älven fram mellan sanddynerna. Här och där hade vattnet ätit sig in i strandbrinken. Stigen längs kanten gick nära vattnet. Ibland skymdes vattnet av buskar, men suset av vattnet hördes överallt. Kylan steg från vattnet i kalla pustar.

Bada

Jag visste inte att man kunde bada ute. Jag var visserligen född på kanten till Osenelva, men under mitt fyraåriga liv hade jag vaken sett någon bada eller ens hört talas om det. Jag hade inte en tanke på att gå ner till vattnet. Ljudet och kylan skrämde mig, men jag gick ändå längs strömmen. Jag ville se vad som fanns längre fram. Djupt inne i en dunge växte vita blommor som doftade underbart. Långt senare fick jag veta att det var liljekonvaljer.

Jag var alltid ensam och jag gick ofta långt. Värst var det att gå tillbaka när jag gått så långt jag orkade. Det tog så lång tid. Men tid cheap oakleys sunglasses var allt jag hade och jag kom hem varje kväll. Pappa jobbade hela dagarna och jag var ute i världen. Det blev en slags rutin. Mamma bleknade och lillebror tänkte jag inte ens på. Vi hade haft honom så lite innan han försvann.

Resan till kusten

En dag sa pappa att vi skulle åka och hälsa på Kalle och hans familj på västkusten. Vi gav oss iväg och jag fick sitta i framsätet för att inte spy. Jag var oerhört åksjuk i alla typer av transportmedel, något som fortfarande plågar mig.

Bilbälten hade ingen hört talas om, men pappa gav mig instruktioner.

– Om det händer något måste du göra så här, när jag säger till att du ska krypa ner under hyllan där nere gör du det direkt. Förstår du? frågade pappa.

Jag tittade ner över mina fötter, som nästan nådde till framkanten på sätet. Under custom jerseys instrumentpanelen hade någon skruvat fast en hylla av vinklad plåt. Vassa hörn och en helt naken plåtkant. Under den skulle jag alltså krypa Erste ner om vi krockade.

– Vad ska du göra? Om det händer något? frågade jag.

– Jag håller mig i ratten, sa pappa.

Pappa hade fått körkort 1937, efter tre försök. På uppkörningen hade han bara startat bilen och åkt 100 meter innan en annan bil kom utkörande från en tvärgata. Pappa hann bromsa. Körskollärare  var mäkta imponerad och gav honom körkortet på stående fot. En sådan reaktionsförmåga visade helt klart att pappa var en lämplig förare. Hela livet nöjde han ray ban outlet sig med att hålla sig i ratten, körde en gång Cheap Football Jerseys på ett rådjur, men i övrigt ingenting alls. Trots det brukade vi barn längre fram i livet dra lott om vem som skulle åka med honom och handla. Den som vann fick stanna hemma.

Efter timmar i en stekhet bil, där pappa rökte mest hela tiden och jag gled in och ut ur sömnen kom vi cheap oakleys äntligen fram. Kalle var den nära vännen från uppsamlingslägret i Dalarna. Kalle hade under krigsåren farit med båt mellan Sverige och Polen för att frakta flyktingarna från koncentrationslägren i säkerhet. Nu arbetade han som lärare i Strömstad, var gift och hade en liten pojke jämgammal med mig.

Det var på västkusten jag först hörde måsarnas skri, havets brus och kände vågorna mot mina fötter.  Det väckte en hemlig längtan i mitt hjärta.

Katternas rike

Jag fick även dela upplevelsen av att leva med bästa 16 katter. Kalles fru Maj älskade djur och var oerhört ömsint. Hon kunde spela och sjunga. Som ung hade Maj försökt få studera till konsertpianist, men pengarna räckte inte till konservatoriet. Maj blev istället en mycket älskad småskolelärarinna. Hennes stora svaghet var katterna, som togs mycket väl omhand och födde ungar helt okontrollerat.  Katternas matskålar täckte minst två kvadratmeter av det stora köksgolvet. Var och en hade sin egen skål med allt från nykokad torsk till prydligt skurna köttbitar. Detta var katternas kungarike och familjen deras lydiga slavar.

Efter ett par dagar med mycket mammaomsorg från Maj återvände pappa och jag till vår vardag. Jag till skogen, älven och bergen. Pappa till skolan.

Midsommar 1961

Det blev midsommar och pappa reste för att besöka mamma. Kändes väldigt konstigt. Jag kunde inte ens föreställa mig var hon fanns längre. Mig lämnade pappa Fake Oakleys av i Degerfors hos mammas farbror Paul och han fru Emma. Paul var min gudfar och min cheap authentic jerseys mammas älsklingsfarbror. Paul lärde mig spela ”Lusen”. På midsommarafton besökte vi Degerfors hembygdsgård Knutsbol. Jag vann en blå galge.

Ingen mamma i sikte.

 

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Ensam

Jag stod på trappan wholesale jerseys och kände kylan i skuggan. Början av juni är ofta kall i Klarälvdalen. De sista snöhögarna brukar smälta bort i maj om vintern varit lång. Pappa hade sagt att jag väl kunde leka med rektorns flickor som nyss flyttat dit. Men den minsta var två år, nästa var fem och den äldsta var åtta. Och jag kände dem inte alls.

Första dagen höll jag mig i närheten och undersökte den branta slänten bakom huset. Så brant att man fick sparka fast fötterna i jorden för att inte ramla ner på grannens gårdsplan. Deras hus låg längs stora vägen. Om jag stod på kanten av stupet kunde jag se bondgårdar längre bort vid älven. Små kor och människor rörde sig runt husen.

Jag tog mig runt vårt hus och kom ner i en skogsdunge 10 meter nedanför husgaveln. i en skreva växte en liten tall. Vi var lika långa. Jag fortsatte från ställe till ställe i allt vidare cirklar. Timmarna gick och jag väntade på att pappa skulle komma hem. När solens strålat blev allt längre och skiftade i guld drog jag mig tillbaka och satte mig på baksidan av vårt hus. Det var enda varma platsen. Så hörde jag steg i gruset och skyndade mig runt hörnet för att se om det var pappa.

Det var pappa. Jag kände mig glad. Äntligen skulle jag få gå på toaletten.

– Har du suttit här och väntat? frågade han och lät arg.

– Ja, svarade jag och stannade. Jag förstod inte varför han var arg.

– Här ska du inte sitta och vänta. jag sa ju åt dig att gå och leka med de andra barnen! Varför sitter du här?! frågade pappa medan han låste upp ytterdörren.

– Jag känner inte dom, sa jag.

– Dumheter! De verkar ju trevliga! När jag är borta hockey jerseys vill jag inte att du sitter här och väntar. Du ska gå och leka med de andra medan jag är på jobbet!

Jag minns inte vad jag fick att äta. Jag måste ju ha gått på toaletten. Allt jag minns är den svidande känslan av misslyckande.

Vägen bort

Nästa dag upprepades morgonen och pappa gick till jobbet.

Det var ensamt att stå utanför den låsta dörren. jag hade aldrig varit utan mamma förut. Jag hade aldrig varit utan andra vuxna omkring mig heller. Men jag visste att jag inte kunde stanna vid huset för då skulle pappa bli arg igen.

Jag började vandra längre bort och jag lärde mig att gömma mig i skogen. Jag gick stigen som ledde upp på sandåsen. Den slingrade sig fram högt över husen, skolan och cheap oakleys de små bodgårdarna längs älven. Längs kanten löpte ett enkelt stängsel med trästolpar och två tvärslåar. När de lösa korna kom, med kvigor, kalvar, getter och killingar i släptåg skyndade jag mig att krypa genom stängslet och sparka mig en liten hylla att stå på medan flocken drog förbi. Precis som jag släpptes korna på skogen varje morgon, sedan letade de sig hem själva till kvällsmjölkningen. Jag var rädd för dem.

Jag brukade gå hem när skuggorna blev långa. Jag aktade mig noga för att gå hem för tidigt så inte pappa skulle bli arg igen. Om jag av misstag kom hem för tidigt, när dörren fortfarande var låst, skyndade jag att gömma mig så han inte skulle se mig. Olika ställen varje dag. Jag lärde mig att det var viktigt att han fick komma hem först, för då trodde han att jag hade haft så mycket att göra att jag inte hade tid att gå hem. Som vuxen insåg jag att jag lämnades ensam ungefär 12 timmar i sträck, varje dag.

Äta ifred

Ibland hände det att jag fick leka med någon en stund på dagen. Men det tog slut när de skulle äta.  Nu får du gå hem för vi ska äta middag, sa deras mamma. Eller mellanmål, ett förtrollat ord som jag hörde första gången i rektorns kök, medan jag såg hur deras mamma serverade flingor med smultron och mjölk. Mellanmål förekom aldrig hemma hos oss. Jag hade ingenstans att få mat. Så jag gick vidare någon annanstans, jag letade nya vägar ut i världen omkring. Jag vågade aldrig gå upp till skolan och leta efter pappa.

Jag var inte så hungrig längre. Jag hade plötsligt ingen mamma. Min bror mindes jag inte hur han såg ut. Jag hade ingen jag kände, ingen som brydde sig om mig. Ingen undrade var jag var eller satte på mig mer kläder när det regnade. Särskilt minns jag en dag då jag bara hade en röd soldräkt av nylon på mig, ingenting annat. Den var så besvärlig, för alltsammans var hopsytt så man måste ta av sig hela dräkten för att kunna kissa. Jag höll mig så länge jag kunde. På morgonen lyste solen, sedan blev det mulet. Jag minns hur dräkten skavde och hur jag frös. Det var en lång dag.

För att stå ut med hunger, törst, köld, skräck och ensamhet lärde jag mig att stänga av mina känslor. Den egenskapen skulle jag få mycket nytta av i livet.

Utflykten

En söndag ordnade Frälsningsarmén bussutflykt till Elverum i Norge. Vi skulle åka till deras Frälsningsarmé och vara borta hela dagen. Pappa sa ja och jag var Wholesale Jerseys jätteglad. Jag kläddes fin i grå kjol och vit blus. Han flätade mitt hår ordentligt och önskade mig trevlig resa.

Det var kanske 4 mil till gränsen och sedan ytterligare en bit till Elverum. Väl framme samlades vi i en stor sal där alla barnen satt uppradade. Plötsligt upptäckte jag vita kryss här och var på golvet. Plötsligt ställer sig min kompis Eva som var två år Cheap Football Jerseys äldre, på ett av kryssen och deklamerar en lång vers iklädd en liten sköterskeuniform. På flera ställen i salen hände samma sak. Jag insåg att flera barn inte bara hade fått ett kryss att stå på, utan dessutom olika kläder och lärt sig verser utantill som de fick säga framför alla människor.

Jag hade varken fått kryss eller kläder så jag bestämde mig för att gå hem.

Jag tog min väska och gick ut på trappan. Jag kunde inte gå hem, för det var så långt. Men jag kunde vänta. Så jag satte mig ner på trappsteget med väskan bredvid mig och väntade. Resten av dagen satt jag på trappan medan tiden gick. Både vuxna och barn var ute och försökte locka in mig med saft, bullar och allt möjligt. De frågade varför jag satt kvar ute.

– Jag väntar på att åka hem, svarade jag och satt kvar.

Hela dagen satt jag still på trappan. Har man inte fått ett kryss så har man ingen anledning att dricka saft.

Till sist tog dagen slut och bussen körde hem oss.

Pappa frågade om jag haft roligt.

– Ja, väldigt roligt, svarade jag glatt.

Jag var hemma, inomhus. Pappa hade mig i knä och jag var mätt. Klart jag var glad.

– Jag ska berätta någonting, sa pappa och fortsatte:

När du hade åkt med bussen blev jag så orolig så jag tog bilen och åkte bakom bussen hela vägen till Elverum. Sedan satt jag vid järnvägsstationen hela dagen. Den låg mitt emot huset där du var, men du såg mig inte?

– Nej? sa Cheap NFL Jerseys jag.

– När jag såg att du kom ut och satte dig på trappan tänkte jag gå till dig, men jag lät bli för du skulle få klara dig själv. Men jag såg hur många flickor kom ut och pratade med dig. Varför gick du inte in igen?, frågade pappa.

– Jag fick inget kryss, svarade jag.

Jag är fortfarande ingen vän av orättvisor.

 

 

 

 

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Den kalla sommaren

Vi flyttade till Sverige i oktober 1960. Efter att ha förlorat allt vi ägde befann vi oss i en by 3 mil från norska gränsen. Min mamma hade fyllt 40 samma år. Min pappa var tio år äldre. Nu väntade de sitt andra barn. Min Cheap Oakleys mamma skulle föda i slutet av december.

Vi bodde i husraden närmast vägen. På ena sidan hade vi en cheap jerseys snäll tant och i andra huset bodde Peter Olsén med sina föräldrar. Vi var födda samma år, men han var född i januari. Peter var snäll. Jag minns hur han torkade mina tårar med vanten när de andra barnen varit på mig igen. Samma gjorde tanten. Sedan brukade hon ge mig en karamell.

I december anlände mormor Hon skulle passa mig medan mamma var på BB. På juldagen var det dags. Pappa skjutsade mamma den tio mil långa vägen till Torsby BB. Grusvägen var gammal redan då. Gropig och backig slingrade den sig längs Klarälvens västra sida. Men ingenting hände, så de vände i Torsby och for tillbaka alla milen igen.

Lillebror

Den 29 december var det dags igen. Min lillebror kom dagen innan nyårsafton. Han andades in fostervatten och drunknade, men de fick igång honom igen. Pappa åkte och hämtade dem på BB. Lillebror bars in genom dörren inslagen i en stor ljusblå filt. Det var mycket kallt.

I april 1961 flyttade vi till Sysslebäck. Pappa hade köpt en f.d. skolbarack, som byggts om till hus. Pappa kallade det villa. Huset låg längs backen upp till det nya högstadiet som döpts till Kvistbergets skola, till allmän förargelse ska tilläggas.  Kvistberget var känt, för att där bodde tattarna. Den allmänna meningen var att skolan borde ha döpts efter kommunen till Dalby skola. Men Kvistberget blev det. Och en del tattare bodde fortfarande kvar.

Huset var ganska modernt. Det fanns badrum, med dusch och badkar. I källaren stod en vedeldad tvättgryta. Öppen planlösning, ett pyttekök med separat matplats som övergick i vardagsrum. Dessutom fanns tre sovrum.

Redan första dagen kom ett par småflickor och spanade in oss. Eva och Carita. De var ett par år äldre än jag. Mina föräldrar uppmuntrade mig att leka med dem. Jag var på min vakt efter Bograngen men kände mig glad för att de inte slog mig.

Skolan

Strax efter oss flyttade ytterligare en familj in i grannhuset. De hade två äldre pojkar. Högst upp i backen låg rektorsbostaden, både fysiskt och symboliskt.  Familjen hade tre döttrar, mycket medvetna om sin status. Fortsatte man längs vägen kom man fram till Evas hem, där hon bodde med mormor, morfar, mamma och två morbröder i tre rum, kök och kammare.

Skolan var nybyggd och jättelik. Det var den största byggnad jag någonsin sett. Den såg ut som två svarta kartonger på varandra, långa mörka korridorer utan slut. Massor av svarta fönster i vita fönsterfoder. Två portar med dubbla dörrar på fram och baksidan, plus ett antal mindre ytterdörrar på båda gavlarna. Stor mörk gymnastiksal, där även värmepannan fanns. Skorstenen spydde ut svart fet oljerök som la sig på allt. Speciellt mammas tvätt. Runt skolan planterades Berberisbuskar med giftiga röda bär. Som blodsdroppar hängde de längs grenarna och fullbordade intrycket.

Svängde man av runt skolans norra gavel fortsatte vägen förbi ett eternitklätt hus där Evas morfar hade en av sina bröder med familj. Ännu längre upp smalnade vägen och började klättra uppför sandåsen. Där stigen klövs hade man två val. Till vänster brusade Kvarnbäcken, till höger kunde man gå hur högt som helst. Sandåsarna som omgav dalen låg som terasser och för varje terass kunde man välja ALDOSTERIN® att gå rakt fram längs kanten eller fortsätta upp till nästa nivå. I dalens botten flöt Klarälven fram, fylld av timmer.

Mamma

En morgon när jag vaknade var mamma borta. Min lillebror fanns ingenstans. Pappa flätade mitt hår stenhårt medan han sa att mamma hade blivit sjuk och att lillebror hade fått följa med henne till sjukhuset. Jag fick choklad och smörgås. Klockan var ännu inte 7 när han tog med mig ut på yttertrappan. Så låste han dörren och sa:

– Nu måste jag gå till jobbet. Men om du vill mig något så är det bara du går upp till skolan och letar reda på mig. Du kan fråga vem som helst så visar de var jag är.

Så gick han. Kvar på trappan stod jag och såg honom gå. Wholesale NFL Jerseys  Ovanför mig höjde sig  sandåsarna med milsvida skogar. Nedanför mig gick stora landsvägen och på andra sidan vägen flöt den svarta älven.

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På tröskeln till helvetet

En morgon vaknade jag i min spjälsäng av att mamma kom in i sovrummet. Hon lyfte upp mig. Det var kallt i rummet och hon klädde mig snabbt. Nä vi kom ut i hallen såg jag att alla möbler var borta. Hela våningen var tom.

Nu ska vi åka, sa mamma. Så gick vi ut. På gården stod en grå lastbil. En av min pappas anställda på förarplatsen. Grannarna kom och sa adjö. Så klättrade vi upp i förarhytten. Och med Enger vid ratten anträdde jag, mamma och pappa resan bort.

Utan allt

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Längta hem

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Ingen i den svenska personalen kunde något främmande språk. Varken Note min mamma eller pappa hade vad man kallar högre utbildning. Man hade viss hjälp av den kvinnliga tandläkaren från Polen, men i övrigt fick man klara sig ändå. Utan ett gemensamt språk får man hitta på lösningar.

Inga hinder

Den inställningen till främlingar med utländsk bakgrund, medförde att vårt hem under min uppväxt ofta besöktes av människor som vi egentligen inte borde ha kunnat prata med. Men vi gjorde det ändå.  Långa trevliga middagar genomfördes, med mycket god mat och många leenden. Efteråt fake ray ban sunglasses har jag förstått att mina föräldrar chansade på att bli förstådda på svenska, medan gästerna svarade på alla möjliga språk. Ofta var det engelska, men ibland tyska. Och jag vet säkert att både portugisiska , serbokroatiska och japanska var bland språken. Människorna återkom och Cheap NFL Jerseys var lika välkomna varenda gång.

Och alltsammans påverkade förstås min egen inställning till världen runt omkring. Jag har aldrig oroat mig för att inte bli förstådd eller att inte kunna kommunicera med människor som inte talar samma språk. Jag räknar med att vi ska förstå varandra ändå. Och det gör vi. Människor har alltid mer gemensamt än språket och det satsar jag på. Med det sagt, så är det inte alltid vi förstår varandra i de små detaljerna. Men det finns alltid en lösning. Det är aldrig långtråkigt. 😀

Börja om igen

När det stod klart hösten 1960 att vi skulle gå under ekonomiskt, kom en av vännerna från lägertiden till vår räddning. Med hjälp av vännens kontakter på Skolöverstyrelsen fick min pappa en anställning som lärare på ett av Sveriges första högstadium i Sysslebäck, norra Värmland. Vi flyttade från Norge i oktober 1960. Min mamma var inte bara 40 år, utan gravid i sjätte månaden med min lillebror. Min far var tio år äldre. Vid 50 års ålder fick han börja om från noll, precis som resten av familjen.

Pappa var ständigt sjuk. Hela mitt liv led han av kronisk bronkit, väl underhållen av ständig rökning. Hemmarullade cigaretter utan filter stod på menyn. Ritslas cigarettpapper, tobaken Borkum Riff och en liten rullapparat, metallåda med matta och behållare för tobak och papper var självklara i mitt barndomshem. Ibland köpte mamma ”Ritz”, askar med lackröd botten och namnet i svart/vit 40-talsdesign.

Bestulen

Det fanns ingenstans att bo i Sysslebäck, så vårt första stopp i Sverige blev Bograngen, tre mil från gränsen. I ett iskallt hus från dammbyggets tid flyttade vi in i oktober 1960. Det fanns godis i affären. Pappa köpte bil och pendlade till skolan, medan oakley outlet jag och mamma var hemma. Men vi var ensamma. Från husen runt omkring kom barn och roffade åt sig mina leksaker, som de stal och förstörde. Det gick inte att lämna någonting ute utan bevakning av vuxna, trots inhängnad trädgård med stängd grind. Alla barnen var inte lika, men det fanns vissa barn som stal allt de kunde.

Jag vantrivdes, mamma gjorde som alltid det bästa av saken. Men vi var utslängda i skogen i ett fientligt grannskap. Det spelade ingen roll att sovrummet hade tapeter med barnsånger. Jag ville hem.

Jag hade ingen aning om att det här bara var tröskeln till helvetet.

 

 

 

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Min hemliga dagbok

Det är över 30 år sedan Sue Towsend skrev ”The secret diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13 3/4” som blev en succé. (”Min hemliga dagbok, Adrian 13 3/4 år” 1984). Det blev så småningom nio böcker om Adrian Mole, innan Sue Townsend sorgligt nog gick bort i sviterna av diabetes 10 april 2014.

Adrian Mole är nästan 14 år när han börjar skriva sin dagbok. Han ser världen genom en tonårings skarpa ögon, som både hissar och dissar omgivningen. Speciellt vuxenvärlden granskas genom Team Adrians klara blick. Pappa som låter hunden supa sig full på Cherry Brandy och mamma som inte använder det gröna lurexförklädet han gav henne i julklapp. Grannen som måste tröstas av hans mamma sedan frun flyttat och pappa som flyttar hem cheap jerseys till farmor, med hunden. Livet rullar på med flickvänner, finnar och frivillgarbete hos en illaluktande pensionär, som ändå har en intressant personlighet.

Som vuxen känner man igen sig och känner sig träffad. Man kastas tillbaka till sina egna upplevelser som tonåring och vuxen – sett genom Adrians ögon. Min 14-åring älskade boken. Jag hörde hans skratt från övervåningen. Både mobil och Tv fick stå tillbaka för nästa kapitel ur Adrians hemliga dagbok.

Jag tänkte kika lite på boken innan jag lämnade tillbaka den till biblioteket. oakley outlet Sedan var jag fast. Jag sträckläste den hela natten och skrattade så hunden nästan ramlade ur sängen. Nu måste jag absolut läsa alla böckerna i serien. Vill du ha en underbar natt ska du dela den med Adrian Mole – en vän för livet 😀

Det kan vara värt att läsa även andra böcker av Sue Townsend känner jag. Här är en länk där man får veta lite mer om Sue och hennes liv.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sue_Townsend

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